Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 126

The younger the better.

The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

s.e.x discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

There may be some things better than s.e.x, and some things worse than s.e.x. But there is nothing exactly like it.

Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

Love is a hole in the heart.

If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our s.p.a.ce program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

Love is a matter of chemistry; s.e.x is a matter of physics.

Do it only with the best.

s.e.x is a three-letter word, which needs some old-fas.h.i.+oned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

What matter is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Never say no.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

Love comes in spurts.

The world does not revolve on an axis.

s.e.x is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

"This won't hurt, I promise."

Never Had s.e.x.

Three ladies decide they are going commit suicide by jumping of the Empire State Building. The first one jumps because she has no money and can no longer live a life of poverty and hards.h.i.+p, and it takes the police 1 week to clean her off the sidewalk.

The second one jumps because all of her family members have died and she can't bear to live alone, and it takes the police 2 weeks to clean her of the sidewalk.

The third one jumps because she's never had s.e.x, no matter how hard she tries no man wants to sleep with her, so she jumps. On the way down she hits a light post and it takes the police 3 weeks to wipe the smile off her face.

Never had s.e.x in Life.

A certain guy had never had s.e.x in his life, so his friend told him that he'd take him to a girl that would teach him a few things. He agrees. Later that week, he's in a room with the girl. She takes off her clothes, and asks him, "Do you know what I want?"

He says, quite honestly, "No.".

She lies down on the bed, and asks him the same question again.

Again, he answers "No."

Now, she's not sure exactly what to do, so she spreads her legs all the way; we're talking spread-eagle. She asks, "Now do you know what I want?"

He answers, "Yeah. You want the whole f.u.c.kin' bed to yourself.

No s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g.

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on sh.o.r.e. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour s.h.i.+fts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour s.h.i.+fts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first s.h.i.+ft. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.

Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g!"

They yell back, "We're not s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g!"

Again they yell back, "We're not s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g!"

They yell back, "We're not s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g!"

Eventually the s.h.i.+ft is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g."

Nude Runner.

This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.

One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like h.e.l.l out there!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!"

So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon" so he started running along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"

The nude answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

The nude answered, "Only if it's raining."