Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 127

Pay Back.

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admitted that, well, yes he did.

She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on Friday.

Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had s.e.x, and then John left.

Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"

She thinks 'Oh h.e.l.l, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.

Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot.

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, took his girlfriend, Marie out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love was in the air so Marie leaned over to Pierre and said, "Pierre, kiss me!"

So our hero grabbed a bottle of red wine and splashed it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieked Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer was good enough for Marie and things began to heat up. So she said, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero ripped off her blouse, grabbed a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. "Pierre, what are you doing?!"

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resumed their pa.s.sionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leaned over once more and softly whispered into Pierre's ear, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tore off her underwear, grabbed a bottle of Cognac and sprinkled it all over her groin. He took a match and lit it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screamed, "PIERRE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

Put Out or Get Out.

A fellow with a slight speech impediment and a lower-than-room-temperaure IQ was talking to his friend about his problems getting laid.

He said, "You know, I can't get me no g-g-girls." His friend said, "Well, you about a stupid fart! Don't you have lots and lots of money?" He said, "Yeah, I got the m-m-m-money. I just can't g-g-get no g-g-g-girls." His friend said, "Well, it's easy! Just use some of that money of yours and buy a boat! Women LOVE boats! You get a girl to go for a ride on your boat, you take her 50 miles out, you take the keys out of the ignition, and you say, "Put out or get out." The slow fellow said, "Sound like a good idea to me!"

He bought him a nice boat. On the first day, he had the boat moored where everybody could see it. A girl came walking by. He said, Y-Y-You wanna go for a boat wide?" She stopped for a look at the boat. He said, "That's my boat out there. Uh-huh, it is. Wanna go for a wide?" She thought he was a little weird, but she loved boats. She went with him. He took her 50 miles out, took the keys out of the ignition, and said, "Put, put, put out, put it all out, or get out." She figured she didn't have much choice. She dropped her little bikini bottom, and he ran over and got some.

The next day he tried it again. A girl came by, and he said, "Honeeee! That's my boat out there. Wanna go for a boat wide?" She figured "What the h.e.l.l?" She went. He took her 50 miles out, grabbed the keys, and said, "Put, Put out or get, get out," she decided that it was better than drowning, and she dropped her little swimsuit and let him have it.

By the third day, he was c.o.c.ky. He'd gotten it twice in two days. There was no stopping him. A girl wearing a bikini made of less cotton than there is in the top of an aspirin bottle walked by. He said, "Hey, b.i.t.c.h! That's my boat out there! Wanna go for a wide? Don't make no difference to me!" She figured she had nothing to lose. She went. He took her 50 miles out, s.n.a.t.c.hed the keys, and said, "P-P-Put out or g-g-get out!"

She grinned, took off her bottoms, and STINK! It stank up the whole ocean. He said, "Never mind, and don't get none of that on me!" She pulled her little gun out of her little purse, put it to his head, and said, "Eat it or get out!"

At this point, his friend asked, "What did you do?" The little guy asked, "You didn't hear about no fool drowning out there, did you?"

Screaming for More.

Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was d.a.m.n near a nymphomaniac.

After six times she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it".

After a couple of minutes "fis.h.i.+ng around" he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"

s.e.x Styles.

Dentists do it orally Cops do it with cuffs DJ's do it on request Truckers do it in the road Soldiers do it under orders Detectives do it under cover Australians do it Down Under Zoologists do it with animals Gardeners do it in the bushes Gas attendants Pump all day Firemen do it with a big hose Frank Sinatra does it his way Engineers do it to specification Garbagemen c.u.m twice a week Chess players check their Mates Ambulance drivers come quicke Pianists touch, tickle, and t.i.tillate!

Housewives do it for an allowance Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast Mountain Climbers like to be on top Waiters and waitresses do it for tips Accountants do it with Double Entry Landlords do it every 1st of the month Acupuncturists do it with a small p.r.i.c.k Travel Agents do it in lots of different places Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free Bankers do it with interest, Bartenders do it on the Rocks Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!

s.e.x with a Racing Car Driver.

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my t.i.ts and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my p.u.s.s.y and yelled, 'who the h.e.l.l left the garage door open?'"

Six Girls for the Night.

A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for the evening. The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge. Very happy, he leaves.

A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like six girls for the evening. In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000.

Confused the man asks, "I don't understand, on Tuesday it was free."

"That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on cable."

Small Organ.

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and after a few drinks they went home together.

After some more drinking and talking, they got undressed and climbed into bed.

After a few minutes, the girl started laughing.

The fellow asked her, "What's so funny?"

"Your organ," she laughed, "It's a bit on the small side!"