Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 1

PART II.

No Bull.

Some cattle are standing in a field when a huge gust of wind blows. All the cows fall over, but the bulls remain standing, bracing themselves against the wind.

After a moment the cows stand up and go back to their chewing.

Pretty soon, an even stronger wind blows. Again all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just carry on munching the gra.s.s.

Next a mini tornado comes through and all the cows are knocked clean into the next field. The bulls' just say, "Moo" and carry on munching!

Finally, one of the cows walks up to a bull and says, "How come the wind always knocks us over and you remain standing?"

"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

Hong Kong Dong.

A guy goes on a business trip to Hong Kong and decides to spend the last night having wild s.e.x with a Geisha Girl. After returning home he notices a very weird green sore festering on his p.e.n.i.s. So he goes to his doctor.

After hearing of his trip to Hong Kong the Doc says, "You have a bad case of Hong Kong Dong. I'm sorry to have to tell you that the only cure amputation!"

The guy is horrified and so decides to get a second opinion.

The second doc says, "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right away."

Our hero still can't accept this and so gets a third opinion from an oriental doctor. Dr.

Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but says "These Western Doctors - so quick to Chop Chop Chop. Amputation not necessary."

Our hero is so relieved. Dr. Wong continues, "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own."

Desert Island.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years they live there, until one day they find a magic lamp. They rub the lamp and sure enough out comes a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette goes first, "I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life - I just want to go home" ... POOF she is gone.

The redhead makes her wish "This place sucks, I want to go home too" ... POOF she is gone.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie says to her "My dear what is the matter, "I wish my friends were here" ... POOF!!!

Cooling Swimming.

The weather was very hot, so a guy desperately wants to take a dive in the nearby lake.

He didn't bring his swimming costume, but who cares? He was alone.

So, he undresses and gets into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walks onto the sh.o.r.e in his direction.

He panics, get out of the water and grabs an old bucket. As he holds the bucket in front of his privates he sighed with relief.

As the ladies get nearby they look at him and smile. Then one of them says, "You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds."

"Impossible," says the embarra.s.sed man, "You really know what I'm thinking?"

"Yes," the lady replies, "I know that you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom in it."

The secretary.

The secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row.

So the boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee. Who told you, you could come and go as you please?"

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

s.e.x On Television.

A woman is walking down the street when a man carrying out a survey stops her.

"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' att.i.tudes towards s.e.x."

"Really!" says the woman smiling.

"Could you tell me what you think about s.e.x on TV?"

"Well," replies the woman, "It's very uncomfortable, especially when you've got the antenna stuck up your a.r.s.e!"

Three nuns.

Three nuns are on a long train journey. To pa.s.s the time decide to tell each other what their greatest sins were. The first nun says, "My greatest sin is s.e.x. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prost.i.tute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."

The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week."

The third nun says that's fascinating. "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"

Why E-Mail is like the p.e.n.i.s...

A. Some folks have it, some don't.

B. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

C. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

D. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

E. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (email envy).

F. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

G. In the past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

H. If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can spread viruses.

I. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

J. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

K. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in a whole lot of trouble.

First time.

The young virgin farm boy drives to the big city in search of a prost.i.tute. He finds one, and explains he has never had s.e.x before.

The hooker says, " No problem, honey." She undresses the boy, then herself, and lay down on the bed. He crawls on top of her. "Okay, stick it in honey ... all the way in ... now pull it out ... now put it back in ... now pull it out ... " "For goodness sake," says the boy, "will you make up your G.o.d dam mind?"

Fat girls.

A guy is about to have s.e.x with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her.

"Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks.

"Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy lover boy?"

"Nope," the guy replies, "it's burning my a.r.s.e!"

Fancy Dress.

A guy is struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy dress party. Then he has a bright idea. When the hostess answers the door, she finds the guy standing there with no s.h.i.+rt and no socks on. "What the h.e.l.l are you supposed to be?" she asks.

"A premature e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.n." says the man "I've just come in my pants!"