Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 129

Clock Shop.

Rosco was wandering through a mall one day, and he happened upon a clock shop with a gorgeous lady working at the desk.

Rosco walked right up to the desk, whipped out his p.e.n.i.s, and put it right next to the lady.

The lady was alarmed and said, "Wait just a minute there, sir! This is a clock shop, not a c.o.c.k shop!"

Rosco replied, "I know, I want you to put two hands and a face on this!"

Costume to a Party.

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."

She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."

She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

Divorced Barbie.

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the mall, ran to the toy store and asked the shop a.s.sistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she replied, "Which Barbie?" She continued, "We have Barbie Goes To The Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes To The Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes To The Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $255.00".

Ralph asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $255.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious" the sales lady said. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture".

Gloves for my Wife.

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."

Hair Spray.

A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer figured that he was going deaf. He wouldn't come when she called. When she took him out for a walk he wouldn't heel like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn't looking and she called him, he acted like he didn't hear her at all. So she took him to the vet.

The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven't got any in stock, but you can get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will."

So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice. "How do I apply this product", she asked. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"

The druggist said, "For your legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."

She said, "I don't think that you understand. It's for my schnauzer."

"Oh," said the druggist. "In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."

Hardware Store.

A woman goes into the small-town hardware store and tells the owner she needs a drawer pull handle to replace a broken one.

He gets out one that matches her description and asks her "You wanna screw for that?"

And she thinks a minute, glances around, and replies, "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there."

Have you seen my Husband?

An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and asks: "Escusa me, have you seen-a my Bobby? He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair."

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband. So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman: "Escusa me, have you seen-a my Bobby? He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair."

"No, I'm sorry ma'am, I haven't seen your husband."

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks: "Escusa me, have you seen-a my Bobby. He's got a big-a belly and a-lotsa of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split."

To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a my Bobby, he pinch-a the b.u.t.t, grab-a the b.r.e.a.s.t.s but he no lickety split!"

Health Inspectors.

There's this bloke, Frank, who runs a cafe in the town center. One day a health and safety inspector visits his outlet, in disguise. Anyway Frank is rinsing the gla.s.ses with really dirty dishwater, and spitting on the gla.s.ses to polish in a s.h.i.+ne. The inspector is a little taken aback but goes up to the bar nonetheless. Frank is obviously allergic to the inspectors hairspray or something because hr sneezes an almighty amount of goo into his hands, and then proceeds to wipe it down his ap.r.o.n.

"I'll have a cupcake please, and four fudge brownies," says the inspector.

"Right," snuffled Frank, and promptly grabs the brownies in his filthy hands and pops them on the dirty counter.

"What else was it, sir?" asks Frank, but the inspector can take it no more and bursts out: "I'm a health inspector, and may I say Mister, that this is the filthiest establishment I have ever seen. Your walls are filthy, the counter's filthy, you're filthy, and I can smell your toilets from here! You display no knowledge of hygiene, and blatantly use your hands to serve. Where are the cake tongs? Those marvelous things you pick cakes up in! Where are your gloves? I'm giving you two weeks to clean this place up sir, and if you fail, I will take great pleasure in closing you down!" Well the inspector leaves, and Frank sits down, shocked.

He starts to think about the task ahead.

Two weeks pa.s.s, and the inspector returns. The place looks totally different it's clean, and it smells clean, Frank is standing there with gloves and cake tongs, and he's even bought a dishwasher, had a new paint job, and fixed the toilets.

"Well, I never thought you'd do it, but you've proved me wrong," says the inspector. "I'll have a fudge brownie please."

Sure enough, Frank uses the cake tongs, puts the brownie in a little bag, wraps it, and places it on the clean counter.

"I am impressed sir!" exclaimed the inspector. "You've made many extra improvements, and you are the finest place I have visited all week. I bid you a good day!"

"Wait on," said Frank. "I've made lots more improvements than you've seen yet. Take my lavatory system for example, which is unique. You see I've got this bit of string tied round my w.i.l.l.y, and when I need to go, I just pull the string, out it flops, and I don't even need to touch it!"

"Marvelous," says the inspector, tucking wholeheartedly into his brownie. He turns to leave but then has a thought. "How do you put it away again?" he inquires, "without touching it, I mean."

"Simple," laughs Frank. "I use the cake tongs."

Mechanical p.u.s.s.y.

A man was browsing through a novelty store. There was no one else in the store, and so the clerk called him over to the counter.