Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 132

An inst.i.tution for the mentally ill arranged for its patients to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble.

The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, "Up, nuts!" and the patients immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, "Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the patients were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, "Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.

Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on.

The director finally located his a.s.sistant and demanded, "What happened?" "Everything was fine," the a.s.sistant said, "until some guy came over and yelled, 'Peanuts'!"

Overweight Golfers.

Two overweight middle-aged men were both ordered by their physicians to get a lot more exercise.

They both took up golf and became partners.

On their first time out, the one man said to the other, "I don't have the energy to play too long today."

The second shook his head in agreement and said, "OK, We'll quit as soon as either of us makes a hole in one."

Scotsman at a Baseball Game.

A Scotsman was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run." This happened two more times, with a single and a triple.

The Scotsman was now excited and ready to get into the game. The next batter came up and four b.a.l.l.s went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first.

The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye ba.s.starrd, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarra.s.sed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scot's embarra.s.sment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four b.a.l.l.s."

The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man... walk with pride!"

Stevie Plays Golf.

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest alb.u.m has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I'm still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I've got that right now."

"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.

"You play golf!" asks Jack.

Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years."

"But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

"Well, I play off scratch," Stevie a.s.sures Jack.

Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

The Big Tree.

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Ticket to SuperBowl.

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.

Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realises the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she pa.s.sed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

Two Guys Playing Golf.

Two guys were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The first guy finds his ball in a patch of b.u.t.tercups. He grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. He hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process he hacks the h.e.l.l out of the b.u.t.tercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks his path to his ball and looks at him and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my b.u.t.tercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of b.u.t.ter. Each time you eat b.u.t.ter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the guy calls out to his buddy. "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the p.u.s.s.y willows."

The first guy screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

1997 Ferrari GTO.

A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, s.h.i.+ny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!", states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooos.h.!.+ It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped. "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooos.h.!.+ Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolis.h.i.+ng the rear end.

The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurtin' for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"