Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 134

The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left baby finger to his mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says "Oh, that's the latest American technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my baby finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?"

They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring.

The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah the wonders of German know-how!"

At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the j.a.panese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over and peer into the bushes. In the middle of the bushes is the j.a.panese fellow, squatting with his pants down around his ankles. "What on earth are you doing?" asks the American. The j.a.panese fellow looks up and replies "Waiting for a fax".

Computer Gender.

A pastor of a church had previously been a sailor. He was very aware that s.h.i.+ps are addresses as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two group of computer experts.

The first group was composed of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computer should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women reported that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.

The have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

The are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because: No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

Computer Virus List.

Watch out for these viruses. They could be very destructive to your computer: Ellen Degeneres Virus.

Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Monica Lewinsky Virus.

Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

t.i.tanic Virus.

Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney Virus.

Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson Virus.

Quits after one byte.

Prozac Virus.

Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Lorena Bobbit Virus.

Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Woody Allen Virus.

Bypa.s.ses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Joey b.u.t.tafuoco Virus.

Only attacks minor files.

Spice Girl Virus.

Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Ronald Reagan Virus.

Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.

Dr. Kevorkian Virus.

Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Oprah Winfrey Virus.

Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T Virus.

Every 3 minutes it tells you what a great service you are getting.

MCI Virus.

Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus.

Terminates and stays resident - It'll be back.

v.i.a.g.r.a Virus.

Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive.

Computers must be Male (Top 10 Reasons).

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and s.h.i.+ny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right b.u.t.tons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but n.o.body's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter

E-Mail Adresses?

Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up a E-mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from.

Add to that a large database of company/college Acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, however: TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses 10. h.e.l.len Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - [email protected] 9. Martha Elizibeth c.u.mmins (Fresno University) - [email protected] 8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - [email protected] 7. Mary Ellen d.i.c.kinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - [email protected] 6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - [email protected] 5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - [email protected] 4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - [email protected] 3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - [email protected] 2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton, Canada) - [email protected] 1. Isabelle Haydon Adc.o.c.k (Toys "R" Us) -

Jack The COBOL.

Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990's. For years he was treated as a technological dinosaur by all the UNIX programmers and web site developers, but now Jack was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term a.s.signments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different a.s.signments. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90-hour weeks. Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent and now all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack contacted a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have him frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a very expensive process but totally automated. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000 -- after the phony New Year celebrations and computer debacles -- after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life. He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie. Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle -- it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. But the spokesman told Jack that he shouldn't get excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.

Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister of Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to be alive. That there was world peace and no more starvation. That the s.p.a.ce program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. That technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere. "That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"