Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 135

"Well," said the Prime Minister. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL...".

Mars Babies.

The US finally sent the first manned s.p.a.ce mission to Mars. The s.p.a.cecraft gently touched down and the astronaut descended and tested the atmosphere. Low and behold it was safe for people to breathe. He removed his s.p.a.ce suit and exited the s.p.a.cecraft. He was amazed to find himself in a lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills.

He hiked for some distance and came upon a beautiful little white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white picket fence like something out of Better Homes and Gardens. He walked up to the front door and found it open. He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen he went back there. WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful blonde he had ever seen standing over a large pot on the stove. Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she was stirring with a large spoon. As he watched she kept stirring and stirring.

After a couple hours he finally asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was having a baby. He was quite skeptical but after a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into the gooey mess and pulled out a beautiful baby girl. He told her that was really amazing but that was not the way it was done on Earth. She replied " how do you do it on Earth?"

With a twinkle in his eyes he said come on back to the bedroom and I'll show you how. After an hour of the wildest s.e.x he had ever experienced he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette. She said, " well where is the baby". He said " Oh that takes nine months ". She replied " well why did you stop stirring ".

Misdirected E-Mail.

It's sometimes easy to forget how easily email technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the sc.r.a.p of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had pa.s.sed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband PS. Sure is hot down here.

New Computer.

COSTELLO GETS A COMPUTER Costello: Hey, Abbott!

Abbott: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.

Abbott: That's great, Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.

Abbott: That's terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!

Abbott: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I'm here to see you.

Abbott: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you're a real computer expert.

Abbott: Well, I don't know ...

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.

Abbott: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.

Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.

Abbott: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?

Abbott: Well, first you press the Start b.u.t.ton, and then ...

Costello: No, I told you I want to turn it off.

Abbott: I know, you press the Start b.u.t.ton ...

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.

Abbott: I did.

Costello: When?

Abbott: When I told you to press the Start b.u.t.ton.

Costello: Why should I press the Start b.u.t.ton?

Abbott: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop?

Abbott: Well, Start doesn't actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?

Abbott: Start.

Costello: Start what?

Abbott: Start b.u.t.ton.

Costello: Start b.u.t.ton to do what?

Abbott: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!

Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.

Abbott: To shut down the computer, press ...

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"

Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop b.u.t.ton, the End b.u.t.ton and Cease and Desist b.u.t.ton, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.

Abbott: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.

Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well, I think it's about time we started this conversation.

Abbott: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

New PC Keyboard.

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are: GPF key -- This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

$$ key -- When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.

ZD key -- This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.

MS key -- This key runs a Microsoft commercial ent.i.tled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.

FUD key -- Some thing to do with the display ... self explanatory.

Chicago key -- Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

IBM key -- Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape).

MSN Key -- With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!

RW95 Key -- Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it's usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it easier?

FDISK Key -- Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.