Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 136

PC Badge.

My home PC has a badge with "

Idiot Outside" which I got from a computer fair My bin has a "

Made for Windows 95" badge stuck on it.

Serenity Prayer for Online Addict G.o.d, grant me the serenity to accept a server I cannot change, Courage to walk past the computer without turning it on .. when I'm running late for work, And the wisdom to know the difference between "Come to bed now" (meaning "Let's have some fun!") ...and "Come to bed NOW!" (meaning "That computer has got to GO"!) Amen.

Software Updates.

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hugger, it has taken all his s.p.a.ce; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend4.0...

- A "Don't remind me again" b.u.t.ton.

- Minimize b.u.t.ton.

- Shutdown feature.

- An install s.h.i.+eld feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).

I tried running girlfriend 2.0 with girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks in all versions of girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supported hardware with gold plated contacts.

* BUG WARNING Wife 1.0 has an undoc.u.mented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

Talking Clock.

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

"What is the big bra.s.s gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock", the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch", the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall " KNOCK IT OFF, a.s.sHOLE ! It's two AM!

Technology for Country Folk.

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.

7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.

12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.

16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.

17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine 23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"

24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.

25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

Telephone Network.

American scientists dug 50 meters down in the underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, America announced that the ancient Americans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the j.a.panese government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down they round small pieces of gla.s.s and they soon announced that the ancient j.a.panese 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fiber net.

Filipino scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters down in the underground, but found absolutely nothing. They happily concluded that the ancient Filipinos 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

The Ten Commandments of E-mail 1 Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

2 Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou neediest.

3 Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

4 Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

5 Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

6 Thou shalt not curse, flame, Spam or USE ALL CAPS.

7 Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

8 Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.

9 Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

10 When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail: which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

WordPerfect Help Line.

This is supposedly a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee: Q. "Corel Customer Support; may I help you?"

A. "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."