Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 154

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

IRS are still waiting for answers for the following questions: - Are there penalties for early withdrawals?

- What if one's p.e.n.i.s is self employed?

- Do multiple partners count as a corporation?

- Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?

- Is there an additional tax if you are not circ.u.mcised?

The Vegetable Gardener.

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarra.s.sment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks pa.s.sed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.

"So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see the size of my cuc.u.mbers!"

Three Guys.

3 guys wanted to go to a concert but all the tickets were sold out so this guy walks up to them and says "I'll give you 3 tickets if you each go to the store nude and buy me 3 packs of cigarettes each." The men said ok.

The first guy goes and returns with the cigarettes, the second guy goes and also returns.

The third guy goes and as he's walking out the store he saw 3 nuns walking by so he ran in a bush and hid (the only thing sticking out was his d.i.c.k).

The first nun walked by and pulled on his d.i.c.k and the guy threw out 1 pack of cigarettes.

The second nun pulled on it and he threw out 2 packs of cigarettes.

The third nun pulled on it and said, "Look! It's a lotion dispenser too!"

Three Guys in a Public Restroom.

Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in DC. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular, "At Harvard, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction.

The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular, "At Yale, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air.

The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself, "At Texas A&M University, I learned not to p.i.s.s on my hands."

Today's Stock Market Report.

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom.

Diapers remained unchanged.

s.h.i.+pping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

3 new bonds are being issued: * Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity * Gore bond: Has no interest * Clinton bond: Has no principle.

Trying to Lose Weight.

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.

Then, one day, he was reading the Was.h.i.+ngton Post when he noticed a small ad that read: Lose weight Only $1.00 a pound Call (202) 555-0238 The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

The man responded, "Ten pounds."

The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself."

He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"--to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."

"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly pa.s.sed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself."

He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.

At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "IF I CATCH YOU, I'M GOING TO SCREW YOU."

Turn Around.

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch d.i.c.k, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball. Turner Brown"

The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?"