Jokes Book Collection Part Ix Part 153

She repeated her request to open an account. The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?"

"Not at all," was her reply. "I bet." "You bet?" he countered. "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos...?"

"Nothing like that," she said. "I just ... bet. For example, I'll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your b.a.l.l.s will be square."

The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.

As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early.

The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his.

The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved.

The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the circ.u.mstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities.

As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, "What's the matter with him?" She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied, "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I'd have the president of the bank by the b.a.l.l.s."

Stucked on the Floor.

A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips and lands spread-legged on the bathroom floor. She tries to stand up but she has landed so hard her crotch has stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that she can't move.

She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her but she won't budge. So he goes next door and gets his neighbor.

Both pull like oxen but she just won't move. She's truly stuck to the floor.

Suddenly the neighbor says, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the floor tiles around her and lift her up that way?"

"Great idea," says the husband, "but just let me rub her b.o.o.bs a little to arouse her." "Why?" asks the confused neighbor.

"So I can slide her into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there."

Tarzan, Lord of the Apes.

Tarzan's swinging through the jungle, minding his own business, when he gets captured by a tribe of natives. They decide to perform a blood sacrifice to their G.o.d, Lorenadapeni, and chop his unit off.

He, amazingly, survives through the ordeal. But now he no longer feels befitting of the t.i.tle, the Lord of the Apes. So he swings through the jungle to see his old friend the witch doctor.

"What can I do ?!?!?!?!?!"

The witch doctor says, "don't worry Tarzan, I have this spare elephant trunk. We'll have you fixed up good as new."

So the witch doctor attaches the trunk to Tarzan, and casts a spell.

Tarzan wakes up with typical male morning dilemma, "ALRIGHT!!!! ," he says, "I like it!!" Off he swings through the jungle.

Two weeks later he returns to the witch doctor, for his post surgical routine checkup. "How's it hanging? Does it work alright?" asks the witch doctor.

Tarzan replies "It works great except for one thing."

"What's that?" the doctor inquires.

"If I swing to low to the ground, it keeps reaching down, grabbing gra.s.s, and shoving it up my a.s.s."

That SonOfab.i.t.c.h Can Drive.

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "d.a.m.n, that sonofab.i.t.c.h can drive", then spit, "d.a.m.n, that sonofab.i.t.c.h can drive", then spit, "d.a.m.n that sonofab.i.t.c.h can drive", then spit.

A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, "d.a.m.n that sonofab.i.t.c.h can drive, then you spit".

"Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?"

He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvey.

We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!

We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our a.s.s, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... "Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best d.a.m.n b.l.o.w. .j.o.b you've ever had!"

"d.a.m.n, THAT SONOFAb.i.t.c.h CAN DRIVE!!" ...*SPIT*.

The Balcony.

A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater.

As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners? Where did you come from?"

The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"

The Inheritance.

Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

"That's not bad."

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

"I'd like that."

"Last week my grandfather pa.s.sed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

"The how come you look so glum?"

"This week - nothing!"

Nudist Colony.

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarra.s.sed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.

He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style....it makes your nose look too short!"

The p.e.n.i.s Tax.

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male p.e.n.i.s. This is due to the fact that 40% the time it is hanging round unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is p.i.s.sed off, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependants and they are both nuts.

Effective March 1st, 1999, your p.e.n.i.s will be taxed according to size. The tax brackets are as follows: 10 - 12" $30.00 Luxury Tax 8 - 10" $25.00 Pole Tax 5 - 8" $15.00 Privilege Tax 4 - 5" $10.00 Nuisance Tax Males exceeding 1 - 2" must file under capital gains.

Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.