Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 5

Over an hour went past and every 10 minutes he would jump back in the car to warm up his hands between her legs. On the seventh occasion she turned to him and said, "It's a shame your ears don't suffer from the cold as well."

"Oh my darling," whispered the pa.s.sionate young man. "Am I the first man you've ever made love to?"

"Yes, yes," she replied, looking bored. "Why do men always ask the same silly question?"

How do you know if your girlfriend's frigid?

When she opens her legs, the light goes on.

A bloke was walking through the park late at night when he stood on a man's bottom.

"Oh thank you," said a girl's voice.

It was 11.30 at night as the young couple made their way back from the pub. Suddenly they could contain their pa.s.sion no longer and stopping by a fence he took her there and then.

Unfortunately their excitement was so boisterous that the fence was knocked down and the sound brought the householder storming down the garden.

"What the h.e.l.l's going on?" he yelled. "I want 60 now to repair that b.l.o.o.d.y fence."

The man paid up and later when they were alone, he turned to his girlfriend and said, "Come on, Sylvie, you're always on about equal rights, how about giving me half towards the fence?"

"Get real!" she answered. "You were the one doing all the pus.h.i.+ng."

What is an outdoor girl?

One with the bloom of youth in her cheeks and the cheek of youth in her bloomers.

The village idiot was getting a lot of teasing from the local boys.

"h.e.l.lo, Jake," they said. "We hear you've been practising a lot of s.e.xual positions."

"That's right," he said proudly. "I hopes to try them on girls soon."

A rather reticent young girl was asked how she got on with her new boyfriend.

"Let's just say my legs are my best friends," she replied mysteriously.

"Oh come on," said her mate. "What does that mean?"

"It means he came on too strong so I walked home."

A few weeks later the two friends were talking and the girl's mate asked her how her new date went on the previous night.

"Pretty much as before," she replied. "My legs are my best friends."

Time went by and on the third time they met up, the girl looked radiantly happy.

"You're looking well," commented her mate. "Something's doing you good."

"Oh yes," replied the girl. "I've met this wonderful bloke and let's just say even the best of friends must part."

Overheard in a parked car down lover's lane: "Suck, suck, Emma...blow is just a figure of speech."

Did you hear about the young girl who swallowed a pin when she was 10 and never felt a p.r.i.c.k until she was 19?

"Now don't forget," said mother as her daughter went out on her first date, "say no to everything he suggests."

Later on in the evening after they'd been out to dinner he turned to her and asked, "Do you mind if we go back to my place for a bit of s.e.x?"

"Hey darling, what do you think of this photo, it's me posing for the centrefold - good ain't it?" boasted the young man.

"Mmm," replied the girl. "If I were you, I'd get it enlarged."

The boy was so frustrated. He'd been seeing this girl for over a month but apart from some kissing and cuddling, he'd never made a move on her because he was embarra.s.sed at the small size of his w.i.l.l.y. Eventually, he plucked up all his courage took it out and placed it in her hand.

"No thanks," she said, "I don't smoke."

"Why have you got those marks on your knees?" her friend asked.

"Oh, it's making love, doggie style."

"Well, why don't you change positions?"

"I'm willing, but the dog isn't."

After thras.h.i.+ng away for a good five minutes, the man lay back on the bed smiling smugly.

"How was it for you, darling, good?"

"Quite painless actually," she replied. "I never felt a thing."

Mum walks into the bedroom to find her daughter in fits of tears.

"Oh mum, it's so unfair. Yesterday, Derek said he'd buy me a diamond ring if I stayed the night with him. So I did, but all he bought was a cheap trinket."

"My darling," says Mum. "Always remember this and you won't fall into the trap again. When they're hard they're soft and when they're soft, they're hard."

He's called Jack the Whistler because by putting two fingers in his mouth his whistle can be heard over a mile away. One evening, Jack takes his girlfriend down lovers' lane and by the time they're ready to go home it's very late and they catch sight of the last bus disappearing round the corner.

"Quick, Jack, whistle," urges the girlfriend. Jack starts to put his fingers to his mouth but suddenly stops.

"No, I've a better idea," he says. "I feel like a bit of exercise tonight, let's walk."

A young hitch hiker got a lift with a lorry driver but halfway through the night they found themselves stranded on top of the moors. The driver told her they'd have to wait till morning before getting help so she could have his bed in the cabin and he would sleep on the seat. After a while, the girl whispered, "It's a shame you have to give up your bed, why don't you come in with me, there's plenty of room."

So the man got in beside her.

"It might be nice if we slept 'married'," she giggled.

"Whatever you like," he said, and he turned his back to her and went to sleep.

If only the young man had been more s.e.xually experienced!

When she asked him if he fancied something from the Karma Sutra, he replied, "Thanks, but not for me. Indian food has me on the toilet all night."

"Hi handsome! Is that a gun in your hand or are you just pleased to see me?"

"It's a gun," he replied.

The man was desperate.

"But Julie, the size of a man's tackle isn't everything. Don't you think a man's personality is more important?"

She replied, "But you haven't much of a personality either!"

"Oh my darling, do you always kiss with your eyes closed?"

whispered the smitten young man.

"Only when I have to kiss you," she replied.

"Oh Tracy, I love you," he simpered. "Please tell me there's no one else in your life."

"Of course there's no one else," she replied. "Do you think I'd go to the cinema with a nerd like you, if there was another man?"

Johnny and Sarah disappeared behind the barn where they were soon rolling around on the ground, s.h.a.gging for all they were worth. All of a sudden Johnny said, "Heh doll, is my p.r.i.c.k in you or in the mud?"

Sarah felt around and replied, "Well I never, it's in the mud."

"Put it back then, sweetheart."

A little later, Johnny asked again, "Is my p.r.i.c.k in you or in the mud?"

"Don't worry, it's alright," said Sarah, "it's in me."

"Well, be a sport and put it back in the mud, would you?"

The 20-year-old son of the house was smitten with the au pair who looked after his baby sister. He was sure he was in love and did all he could to attract her attention. Finally, his efforts were successful and he enticed the au pair into bed.

But to his horror, he couldn't get Percy to rise and felt profoundly embarra.s.sed.

"Don't worry about it," said the au pair gently. "Sometimes this happens to your father as well."

"h.e.l.lo, Bert, what a lovely day. Where are you off too?"

"I'm going courting."

"Really! But why are you wearing wellingtons?"