Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 12

A student is heading home for the holidays.

When she gets to the airline counter, she presents her ticket to New York. While she gives the agent her luggage, she says, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent says, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."

"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because, that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

Face lift.

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The k.n.o.b," where a small k.n.o.b is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The k.n.o.b." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the k.n.o.b, and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the k.n.o.b many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the k.n.o.b won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags under your eyes, they're your b.r.e.a.s.t.s!"

She said, "O well, I guess that explains the goatee beard then!"

Night out.

A couple are dressed and ready to go for the evening out. They turn on a night-light, turn on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and throw the cat into the back yard.

They phoned the local cab company and request a taxi. The taxi arrives and just as the couple open the front door to leave their house, the cat shoots in past them, They don't want the cat shut in the house as he always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs; the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. So she explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to her mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says.

"Stupid b.i.t.c.h was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat a.s.s downstairs and threw her into the backyard!!"

Church.

A parish priest has a pastime of rearing rare chickens. One day he walks into the garden to find his prize rooster missing.

"Those thieving paris.h.i.+oners, I'll give them fire and brimstone on Sunday." Thinks the priest.

Sure enough, on Sunday, the congregation get a vehement sermon on the evils of theft etc. Certain that his sermon has done the trick and that a member of the congregation will now own up, the priest asks, "Has anyone here got a c.o.c.k?"

All the men stand up.

"No, no. I mean, has anyone here seen a c.o.c.k?"

All the women stand up.

"No, not that. Has anyone here seen a c.o.c.k that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stand up.

"Oh you idiots. I want to know about MY c.o.c.k. Has anyone seen my c.o.c.k?"

All the choirboys stand up.

Silly Blonde Joke.

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of capitals cities of the world.

She proudly says, "Go ahead, and ask me, I know them all!"

Her friend says, "O.K., what's the capital of England?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! E."

Paranoia.

I travel extensively, and everywhere I go there seem to be a small band of people determined to make my life a misery.

I'm talking about the people in front of you in the queue at the supermarkets that want to pay their bill in 5 pence pieces. The people in front of you at the railway ticket office who want to go on a family railcard to Cardiff, but only one parent is returning, and they need to go on an alternate Thursday and drop one of the kids off in Glasgow on the way back. The people who, when I am running late and my plane is about to depart, insist on telling the only rep at the check in desk their life story. The people who stand completely blocking pavements and shop doorways chatting to their friends about the weather.

You know the sort of people I mean.

Now, obviously not everyone in the whole world can be setting out to make my life a misery- you'd have to be paranoid to believe that.

So logically it must be the SAME group of people doing it.

My question is- How the F*** do they know where I'm going to be?

Three blondes.

Three Blonds are in a bar. They keep cheering and yelling "we did it!" and "we are the best!" After this had been going on for a while a guy comes over and asks, "what did you do that was so great?" and they shout "We just finished a 50 piece puzzle in two months and the box said 3 to 5 years!"

Cat theft.

A blonde gets in her car and looks in horror and grabs her cell phone and dials 911. The 911 operator answers and says "911 what's your emergency". She replies "Help me someone has stolen all of the stuff out of my car". The operator asked her to explain and she says that her dash is gone and her radio is gone and even her foot pedals are gone. The operator tells her that they are on the way and hangs up.

About 1 minute later the blonde calls back and says, "It's me again, never mind I was in the back seat!"

Female logic ...

A woman complains to a friend, "She told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."

"Well," replied her friend in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."

"Oh dear!" sighed the first women. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."

Confucius say:

A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work.

Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.

He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.

He who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.

He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.

It takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man and mouse alike, both end up in p.u.s.s.y.

Man who drive like h.e.l.l, bound to get there!

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man who go to bed with s.e.xual problem wake up with solution in hand.

Man who have hand in pocket feel c.o.c.ky all day.

Man who have head up a.s.s, have s.h.i.+tty outlook on life.

Man who lives in gla.s.s house should change in bas.e.m.e.nt man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel down.

Man who scratches a.s.s should not bite fingernails.

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.

Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.

Man who sleep with girl on hill not on level.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to bangkok.