Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 18

"Of course not," replies the mother. "Why would you think that?"

"O, because a tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Q: How do you know when a blonde has used your computer?

A: There's correction fluid on the screen.

When it was announced that a blonde girl was 3 months pregnant, there were theories that it was a grudge pregnancy! Apparently a lot of people reckon someone must have had it in for her boy friend!

Did you hear about the blonde that was too afraid to go to the world cup?

Apparently she's worried she might drown in the Mexican Wave

Did you hear about the blonde girl whose limo broke down? Apparently the driver asked her to get out and check that the hazard lights were working.

"Are they on?" asked the driver She replies "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no"

Apparently the cost ode medical textbooks are rocketing.

One student training to be a surgeon said, "They cost and arm and a leg"

Fallen seeks something to raise.

Two prost.i.tutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSt.i.tUTES $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car pa.s.sed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign that now read: "TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER---$50.00."

First Time.

A guy picks up a girl in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. While they are relaxing after some hot s.e.x the guy asks, "Am I the first man you've made love with?"

She looks at him thoughtfully for a moment and then replies. "You might be, your face looks kind of familiar."

Light my Fire.

Two guys are sitting in a coffee shop opposite a fire station. Suddenly the Fire Station's Alarm goes off and one of the guys jumps up and headed for the door. His mate shouted, "Hey, I didn't know you were a fireman!"

"I'm not," shouts the guy that's leaving, "but my girlfriend's husband is..."

Q: What do you call two Spaniards playing basketball?

A: Juan on Juan .

Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

A: The position of the dirt bag.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?

A: All things worth having are expensive.

Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

A: Doughnuts.

Q: Why is air a lot like s.e.x?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Help me help me!

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.

The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

Hat trouble.

A guy's walks down the street when a strong gust of wind blows his hat off.

When he finally catches up with it a dog is chewing it. So the guy complains to the owner, "Look at that!"

"What?" the owner replies.

"Hey! I don't like your att.i.tude!" says the guy scowling.

"It's not my 'at 'e chewed, mate. It' yours!"

Three Blonde guys.

Three BLONDE guys are talking in a bar.

The first guy says, "My wife is so daft, she bought 20 pounds of meat and we don't even have a freezer!"

The second guy says, "My wife is so daft, she bought a video recorder and we don't have a TV!"

The third guy says, "That's nothing, my wife is so daft, she packs boxes of condoms for her trips away and she doesn't even have a d.i.c.k!"

Words of wisdom.

The wise old Mother Superior from the convent in Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then, one nun took the gla.s.s back to the kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. She returned to the Mother Superior's bed and held the gla.s.s to her pale, bloodless lips. Mother took a little sip, then a little more. Before they knew it, she'd drank the whole gla.s.s down to the last drop. "Mother," the nun asked in earnest, "Please give us a word of wisdom before you leave us to go to your well-deserved reward."

The stricken Mother painfully raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow!"

ALCOHOL WARNINGS.

The government have decided that young women are not getting the message on excessive drinking. So a special think tank hove come up with some new message that will shortly be appearing on alcohol contains.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the h.e.l.l happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.