Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 22

A: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

Q: What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?

A: The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.

Q: How would you describe the death of an HTML programmer's pet rodent?

A: Mouseover.

A guy is staying at a guesthouse, when one morning the land lay asks him, "What's the difference between a shower curtain and a toilet paper?"

"I don't know." Says the guy.

"Oh, so it was you. Pack you bags and leave you dirty b.a.s.t.a.r.d!"

Checking her gender.

A pretty young girl moves into town and she is totally resistant to any advances from the local guys. She's so cold that some guys start to speculate that she might even be a man having a s.e.x change!

One guy finally talks her into going to the movies with him. As they're driving back from the film, she explains that she urgently needs to use the bathroom. So she jumps out of the car and squats in the bushes. The guy figures it's a great chance to check her out.

So he sneaks around the back of the car and sure enough there's a long thing hanging down between her legs! "Got you," he yells as he reaches out and grabs it. At this point girl shouts "You didn't tell me you where a peeping Tom!"

"Yea" replies the guy, "And you didn't tell me you were taking a s.h.i.+t."

The surgeon.

A surgeon is finis.h.i.+ng up an operation when the patient wakes up. He then sits up and demands to know what is going on. "I'm about to close," says the surgeon.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

"OK" says the doctor as he hands him the needle, "Suture self."

Two attorneys.

Two attorneys have planned to meet for lunch, but one of them shows up 30 minutes late. "Finally, I'm here" says the guy that's arriving.

"What kept you?" asks his pal.

"I ran over a c.o.ke bottle and got a flat tire."

"A c.o.ke bottle in the road? Didn't you see it?"

"No" he replies "the kid had it under his coat."

The truck and the tollbooth.

A truck driver looses control of his vehicle and smashes straight into an empty tollbooth. He climbs down from his cab to survey the wreckage and sees that the booth is completely in bits. A couple of minutes latter a van pulls up with a clean up crew.

The workers pick up the tollbooth pieces, spread a creamy white substance on then and then begin fitting them together. In less than an hour they have the tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonis.h.i.+ng!" says the truck driver to the crew chief.

"What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief replies, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

Fine Wine Rules.

For Men: "Women are like fine wine. They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating. As they age they turn full-bodied and often go sour and vinegary, this usually leads to a very bad headache."

Woman's Wine rule: "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them. They are best kept in the dark until they mature into something with which we'd like to have dinner."

The nudist colony.

A married couple go to a nudist colony with their four-year-old son. The son asks, "Dad, why do some men have big k.n.o.bs and others little ones?"

The father, not wis.h.i.+ng to get into a discussion, replies, "The Men with the big k.n.o.bs are smart and the Men with the little ones are dumb."

The little boy accepts the explanation and doesn't ask any more questions.

A little while later the father is looking for his wife and can't find her.

So he asks his son, "Do you know where mummy is?"

"Sure" replies the boy, "She's behind the bushes with this really dumb guy who is getting smarter by the minute!"

Guiding principles for life ...

Divorce is often on religious grounds. The wife thinks she's G.o.d and you don't!

If you think you've got a handle on life, be careful it doesn't brake!

The definition of consciousness is the annoying times between naps and drinks.

Remember Rehab is for Quitters.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

To discourage inbreeding so playing Country Music!

HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken a lifetime commitment for a pig.

All generalizations are false .

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I get enough exercise just pus.h.i.+ng my luck.

Real women don't have hot flashes. They have power surges.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

I have the body of a G.o.d: Buddha.

Duct tape is like the Force: it has a light side, a dark side and it binds the Universe together.

If the Universe is expanding, why the h.e.l.l can't I find a parking s.p.a.ce?

Never hit a man with gla.s.ses-use your fist!

Trespa.s.sers will be shot and survivors will be shot again!

Death to all fanatics!!

A pessimist is never disappointed.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which did you do.

His n Hers Word definitions.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female definition: An embarra.s.sing by-product of digestion.

Male definition: A source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.