Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 38

Q: Why do jungle explorers make the best lovers?

A: Because they go deep into the bush.

Q: How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

A: They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

Q: Why is the s.p.a.ce between a woman's b.r.e.a.s.t.s and her hips called a waist?

A: Because you could easily fit another pair of t.i.ts in there.

Q: Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?

A: Because it doesn't need cleaning yet.

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Only one. Because he holds the light bulb and the rest of Europe revolves around him.

Golf trouble.

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his head. Naturally the doctor asks, "What happened?"

"Well, it was like this," says the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a field full of cows. While we were looking for it and I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. So, I walked over and lifted up the tail. Stuck right in the middle of the cow's b.u.t.t was my wife's golf ball.

That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doc.

"I pointed at the cows b.u.t.t and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

French Joke.

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen?

Apparently people were confused about which side to spit on.

Ping Pong.

A western guy goes up to an Chinese girl, hands her a table tennis ball and says, "I want you to show me how hot you are with this."

The girl immediately lies on the floor, pulls down her knickers and pops the ball into her p.u.s.s.y. After composing herself, she quickly coughs and fires the ball across the room.

"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l that's amazing," says the guy, "But, perhaps I should introduce myself, I'm the new table tennis coach."

Fair Trade.

A bloke walks into an auto parts store and says "I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo please."

The a.s.sistant behind the counter thinks about the question for a while and then says, "Yea that seems like a fair swap."

Invoicing.

A company sends a large purchase order to one of its suppliers. When it arrives supplier notices that the previous bill hasn't been paid. So the finance manager sends an email back saying, "Sorry. We can't s.h.i.+p your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the finance manager receives a reply to his email, its say "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

Two Weevils.

Two weevils grow up in England. One gets the boat to America and becomes a famous actor. The other stays in England and doesn't amount to much. The second one becomes known to his pals as the lesser of two weevils.

A Taxing Problem.

An IRS agent is questioning a New York sandwich deli owner about his tax return. The owner has reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" says the deli owner. "I work like a dog. Everyone in my family helps out. This place is only closed for three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," says the agent. "It's these travel deductions.

You've listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," says the owner smiling. "It's a legitimate business expense, we also deliver."

Signs.

On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmans.h.i.+p."

At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our was.h.i.+ng machine do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlour: "Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, a Was.h.i.+ngton men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."

Sign at a garage in Hertfords.h.i.+re: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"

Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

Little Johnny.

Teacher: Little Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I."

Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say, "I am."

Johnny: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Two Blondes working on a house.

Two blondes are working on a house. One of them is nailing down floor panels and each time he reached into his nail pouch, he'd pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figured this was worth looking into and asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

His pal explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed up, I throw it away because it's defective. If it's pointed toward the floor then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got really upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed up aren't defective! They're for the sealing panels!"

The Tooth.

A guys walks into his office after having some time off for dental work. A pal asks, "What's happened?"

"I'll keep this short as I'm still having problems with my teeth." Says the guy, "I've got to find a way to stop this tooth pain ORAL I'll go nuts. It's so bad, I want to grab a GUM and shoot myself. I'm taking Aspirin, but I find it hard to sleep. I'm tossing and turning all night, I guess I underestimate the CAVITY of the situation. It WISDOM of me to ignore it for so long. So I've had the bad ones pulled. And that's the TOOTH the whole TOOTH, and noting but the TOOTH, so help me GOB!"