Jokes Book Collection Part I Part 9

Jack went to the psychologist complaining of insomnia.

"Don't worry," came the reply, "just start at your toes and slowly relax all your body bit by bit and then you'll fall asleep."

That night Jack did as he was instructed.

Go to sleep toes, go to sleep feet, go to sleep ankles, now you knees, go to sleep legs..."

But just at that moment his wife walked into the bedroom wearing the skimpiest and most sheer of nighties.

"Wake up everyone," he shouted.

A woman went to her vicar to seek advice on her forthcoming wedding. This was to be her third husband and she was not sure how to tell him that she was still a virgin.

"But how can that be?" exclaimed the vicar. "You've already had two husbands."

"That's true, but my first husband was a psychiatrist and all he did was talk about it, my second husband was a gynaecologist and all he did was look. But this time I'm sure it will be different. This time I'm marrying a lawyer so I'm sure to get screwed."

What's the similarity between Kodak and condoms?

They are both there to catch those special moments.

"h.e.l.lo, h.e.l.lo, is that the vet?" said the distressed man. "Our dog has just swallowed a condom, what can I do?"

"Calm down, Sir, nothing to get too alarmed over, just keep the dog rested and I'll be over after surgery."

Surgery ended and the vet decided to ring first.

"h.e.l.lo, it's the vet here, how are things?"

"Oh everything's alright now," replied the man. "My girlfriend found another condom in the bathroom cabinet."

"Billy, I'm pregnant and if you don't marry me, I'll kill myself," wailed the girl.

"Oh June, you're a brick, not only are you a good f.u.c.k, but you're a good sport as well."

A young man asks for shelter for the night when his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. The old couple invite him in, apologise for only having two bedrooms - one for them and the other for their unmarried daughter - but offer him the sofa for the night. Round about 4 am, it turns bitterly cold and the old woman comes down to see if he's alright.

"Would you like our eiderdown?" she asks.

"Oh no, no thank you!" he exclaims. "She's already been down twice."

A man is out on his first date with a woman who is s.e.x mad.

On the way home, she lures him into the park and urges him to make love to her time and time again. Eventually, he's so knackered, he tells her he's just going to walk around and have a quiet smoke. As he does so, he b.u.mps into a man coming home from the pub and he gets a great idea.

"Listen, mate," he says. "My girlfriend over there is so hot, she's worn me out. If I give you my gold watch, will you take over from me for a while?"

The man agrees and disappears into the dark undergrowth.

Five minutes go by, when suddenly the park ranger appears and s.h.i.+nes his torch on the pa.s.sionate couple.

"Now what have we here?" he says.

"Just making love to my wife" comes the reply.

"Well, can't you do that at home?"

"But I didn't know it was my wife until you shone the torch on us."

A man comes home one night to find a nasty big rat humping a cat. The next day, he finds it humping a dog.

Amazed at the sight, he takes the rat indoors to show his wife.

"Heh, Doris, you'll never believe what this rat..." but before he can finish, she interrupts him with a scream.

"Get that b.l.o.o.d.y s.e.x maniac out of here."

"You look upset, Jack, what's wrong?"

"I've just found my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Oh mate, I'm sorry to hear that. What did you do?"

"I told her to pack her bags and f.u.c.k off."

"Good for you, and what about your best friend?"

"I got him by the scruff of the neck and said, 'Bad dog!'"

"How dare you ask me if I've been to bed with anyone else, that's my business," she said angrily.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was your profession," replied the young man.

Three dogs end up in the vet's and start talking to each other.

"Oh well," sighs the first, "this is it, they're going to put me down for worrying sheep."

"They're putting me down as well," says the second dog. "I bit the postman."

The two dogs turn to the third dog, a big Alsatian, and ask him why he is there.

"Well, it happened a couple of days ago. My beautiful blonde owner got out of the bath, bent down to dry her feet and I couldn't help myself. In a flash, I mounted her and went quite wild.

"I see," reply the other dogs, "so you're being put down as well."

"Oh no, I'm here to have my nails cut."

Taking a short cut home through the park one night, a spinster was confronted by a mugger.

"Give me all your money and jewellery," he demanded.

"But, I haven't got anything," she replied.

Not believing her, the man started to search her body. His hands moved everywhere, inside her blouse and up her skirt until he was satisfied she wasn't hiding anything. He was about to go when she said to him coyly, "Go on, keep trying, I can always write you a cheque."

The man was a prat. On his first date with a rather large lady, he commented arrogantly, "My dear, I have climbed some of the highest mountains in the world, but getting on top of you is going to be quite a challenge."

"Oh really!" she retorted. "I would have thought it all depended on the length of your rope."

All night long, the man had been bragging to his girl friend about his many talents, but when he said cheekily, "You know, it's a well-known fact that men with big d.i.c.ks have small mouths", she finally exploded.

"So that explains it," she quickly replied, "because I could park a 10-ton truck in yours."

After chatting with his mates at work, the policeman comes home full of new ideas to make his s.e.x life more exciting.

When he sees his girlfriend he tells her of his new ideas.

"When I say Z Victor One to Sierra Oscar, you immediately run upstairs, strip off and jump into bed shouting 'help me, help me'. Then you shout Z Victor 2 to Sierra Oscar and I'll say 'Don't worry, I'm here to save you,' jump into bed and give you a good rogering."

So the next night, they put the plan into operation, but just as he's getting into the full rhythm, she suddenly shouts out "Z Victor 3 to Sierra Oscar." Startled, he stops and gasps, "What's that for?"

"That one means you'll have to change your truncheon because the one you've got doesn't seem to be having much effect," she replies.

"May I have 3 French letters please, Miss," asked the man in the chemist's shop.

The bitter old woman looked at him scornfully and replied, "Don't you Miss me, young man."

"Oh sorry," he replied "Make that 4 then, please."

"Do you want to liven up your love life?" one friend said to the other.

"If so, mount her from behind and whisper in her ear 'this is how I do it with your best friend.' Then I bet you can't stay on for more than 10 seconds."

Two sperm were swimming along when one said to the other, "How long do you reckon it'll take us to get there?"

"I think we've got quite a long way to go yet, we've only just pa.s.sed the oesophagus."

"It's no good, it's over" said Julie. "You are so bad in bed."

"Oh come on," said the man affronted, "how can you tell after 15 seconds?"

A married couple and the husband's best friend go on holiday together and find they all have to share a bed in the caravan. On the first night the husband falls asleep very quickly so the wife turns to the best friend and suggests they have a bit of fun.

"But what about your husband?" he whispers. "He's sure to wake up if we start anything like that."

"No, no," replies the wife, "he's dead to the world once he goes to sleep but if you're worried, pluck out one of his pubic hairs and see if he reacts."

So the best friend does as he is told and the husband remains snoring. Convinced all is well, the two get down to it and so enjoy themselves, they repeat it half a dozen times, pulling out one of the husband's pubic hairs each time to check he is still asleep. However, just as they are about to have s.e.x a seventh time, the husband turns over and says, "Now hold on, mate, I don't mind you f.u.c.king my wife but I'm p.i.s.sed off that you think you can keep score on my a.r.s.e."

An emergency call was made to the local police station.

"Come quickly," gasped the voice, "a burglar is trapped in the bedroom of an old spinster."

"We'll be right there," said the desk sergeant. "May I ask who's talking?"

"It's me, the burglar, help!"