Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 48

Little Johnny a student has a p.e.n.i.s so large, his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls. They say he could easily kill someone it so large. Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size. She keeps him behind after school and suggests they have s.e.x. He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will go on top. Johnny reluctantly agrees. The teacher experiences such wonderful sensations that she faints from pure joy. Thinking he's killed her, Johnny runs from the cla.s.s room sobbing, "Oh my G.o.d! I've killed her! I've killed her!" All at once he stops in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says, "Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. The dumb b.i.t.c.h committed suicide!"

The Horse riding blonde.

A blonde decides to try horse riding even though she's had no previous experience. She mounts the horse una.s.sisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but can't seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try to throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup! She's at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is stuck against the ground. She's moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune; the Woolworth's manager sees her and shuts off the power.

A cla.s.sic ...

A woman goes to a pet shop and buys a Hamster. The shopkeeper gives her an envelope and tells her to open it only after the hamster dies. She goes home and cares for it for 3 years and it then dies. She opens the envelope and inside is a letter telling her not to bury the pet but instead gives her a recipe for jam. She makes the jam and tastes it.

It's foul and disgusting so she throws it onto her garden. Over the next few months she sees that a plant grows where the jam landed, eventually turning into a lovely rosebush.

When she goes back to the pet shop she tells the owner and he is amazed.

"That is really weird," he says, "normally you only get Tulips from Hamster Jam."

Q: What's better than watching a woman wrestle?

A: Seeing her box

The Cheeky fireman.

A cheeky fireman reaches a third story window with his ladder. When he looks in the window he sees a beautiful young blonde in a negligee.

"Don't be afraid," says the fireman "I've saved lots of pregnant woman."

"I'm not pregnant!" shouts the girl.

"Yea, And you're not saved yet." Replies the fireman.

The Caine Party.

Back in the Swinging Sixties, Michael Caine is holding a s...o...b..z party in his groovy new pad.

Anyone who's anyone is there - Stars from the movies, music, fas.h.i.+on and art.

The party's got the best wines, food and music. Lennon and McCartney are helping themselves at the bar and Jim Morrison and his band are sitting on the couch singing 'Light My Fire.' All's going really well, until Jim Morrison decides he's bored and wants to go home.

"Oi, Jim," objects Michael Caine, "The party's just getting started. How's about I get one of 'the ladies' to take you into the spare bedroom for a bit of the how's yer father?"

"OK," nods Jim "as long as she does the rest of the band as well."

"Not a problem, Jim," smiles Michael, as he pulls a dolly bird in close and whispers some instructions to her. Half an hour later, the la.s.s is wiping her chin, when in walks Ringo from the Beatles.

"Alright, luv?" he drones, "don't suppose you fancy extending that service to me?"

The young woman thinks about this for a second, then says "What the h.e.l.l!" and proceeds to unzip Ringo's fly and get to work.

Ringo's having a great time, until, mere moments from the end, the door flies open and Michael Caine bursts in. He grabs the young lady by the back of the hair and Slaps her hard across the face!

"Wh-what was that for?" she whimpers.

"I told you," Caine snarls.

"You're only supposed to blow the b.l.o.o.d.y Doors off!"

Little Billy.

Little Billy was in his Nursery cla.s.s when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman. Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and he takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some screaming f.a.g and take it up the a*se."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring in and took little Billy aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Billy, "he really plays for Sunderland, but I was too embarra.s.sed to say."

Crotch less knickers.

A young lady has been married for several years is growing very frustrated with her husband's lack of interest in s.e.x. So she decides to add some pizzazz to their s.e.x life by buying some Crotch less knickers from a s.e.x shop.

One evening when she's feeling particularly randy and her husband is watching TV she slips away to get changed. She puts on her crutch less knickers and a saucy negligee. She then strolls between her husband and the TV and suggestively tosses one leg over the arm of his chair.

"Want some of this?" she whispers.

"Are you kidding?" he replies, "Look what it done to your knickers!"

The Middle East.

During previous visits to the Middle East, Tony Blair had noticed that women habitually walked 10 ft behind their husbands in a show of servitude. But while in Iraq last week he saw that things had changed- the women now walked in front.

Thinking that this must have been a change of att.i.tude brought about by the regime change and relaxation of Islamic law, he commented to his military commander about it.

"Ah Yes," said the general "that's cl.u.s.ter bombs for you."

Who wants to live forever?

A Doctor asks his patient, "Do you like to drink, smoke, and play around with women?"

"Yes," replies the patient.

"You should abstain." Says the Doc. "And do you like eat steak chips?"

"Yes," says the patient.

"You should cut back and only do it with moderation," says the doc.

"If I do all that will I live longer?" asks the patient.

"Nope," replies the doc "but it'll seem a lot longer."

t.i.tanic.

A group a people are having dinner on the t.i.tanic when it hits the iceberg.

"Quick," shouts one of the women as she strips off. "Who will treat me like a woman should be treated?"

The guy sitting opposite her jumps up and says, "I will!" as he removes his trousers.

He hands the trousers to her and says, "There you go love, iron these."

Boozing.

An Englishman, an Australian and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing some smuggled booze. Suddenly Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the crime of drinking they are sentenced to death!

After many months of negotiation they manage to get their sentences reduced to just 20 lashes. On the day of the whipping they are each allowed one request as a good will gesture.

The Australian says, "I'd like a pillow tied to my back please." This is done, the punishment is administered and he is carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman says, "I'd like two pillows tied to my back please." This is done, the punishment is administered and he is carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Englishman thinks hum two pillows aren't enough to save my back. There's only one thing for it. He says, "I'd like the Frenchman tied to my back please."