Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 50

A woman is looking at her p.u.b.es in the mirror when her husband comes home and catches her.

"Do you think I should shave my pubic hair? Or should I leave making the decision to some other time?" she asks him.

Her husband thinks for a moment, looks at the tangled mess of hair and says, "I definitely think you should defer that."

The preferred option.

A woman has just shaved off her pubic hair and is admiring her handy work when her husband catches her.

"How do like my new look?" she says.

After thinking for a while he says, "Yea, I like the preferred option."

Top Tip.

Re: Advice for managers on s.e.xual hara.s.sment in the office.

Always keep the s.e.xual hara.s.sment complaint forms in the bottom drawer of a filling cabinet in front of your desk. Then when a woman goes to get one, you'll be able to check out her a.r.s.e, as well as having a good laugh at the stuff she puts on the form.

Two old friends.

Two old friends meet up in a bar after not seeing each other for a couple of years.

The first guy reaches over and feels his pal's bald head.

"Amazing!" he says, "This feels just like my wife's a.r.s.e!"

The bald guy reaches up and runs his hand over his head too.

"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l," he says, "So it does!"

The perfect golf shot.

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems like an eternity. He's looking up, looking down, measuring the distance and trying to figure out the wind speed. The wait starts driving his partner nuts. Finally, in exasperations his partner says, "What's taking so long? Just hit the ball!"

"My wife's at the clubhouse. I can see her watching me from the balcony, so I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, mate!" his pal says, "You don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"

Delia's Way The Real Women's Way Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for G.o.d's sake. You're probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Buy Smash mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough s.h.i.+t.

Please recite with me the Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat It and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

It could keep forever. Who eats it?

Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield beautiful glossy finish.

Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brus.h.i.+ng any egg white over the crust so I don't do that.

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead The throbbing will go away.

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of tequila.

Drink the tequila. You might still have the headache, but who gives a s.h.i.+t?

If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwas.h.i.+ng gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

What's the point of blokes then?

Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in ca.s.seroles and sauces.

Leftover wine? Who has left over wine?

Medical Humour.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day keeps everyone away.

Overheard in doctor's waiting room: I used to watch golf on TV, but the doc said I needed more exercise...

So now I watch tennis.

Chiropractors don't get old... they adjust.

Doctor told me I was iron deficient... so I took up nail biting.

My Mom got the Amish flu. First she got a little horse...then she got a little buggy.

When the hospital gives you one of those skimpy gowns you know the end is in sight.

Surgeons are doctors on the cutting edge.

Doctor: The only man who enjoys poor health.

One plastic surgeon to another: My daughter gets her good looks from me.

Definition of conflict of interest: A get well card from your doctor.

Doctors bury their mistakes.

What do you get if you have sore throat on Friday?

Sat.u.r.day night fever.

I'm a doctor and I haven't lost a patient yet. I know where all of them are buried.

Old doctors never die... they just lose their patients.

A doctor giving a circ.u.mcision was heard saying, "It won't be long now."

How is a hospital gown like insurance?

You're never covered as much as you think you are.

What do you do when a pharmaceutical salesman knocks on your door?

Vitamin!