Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 51

What did one tonsil say to the other?

You better get dressed... the doctor is taking us out tonight.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

People who constantly cough never go to the doctors.

They go to banquets, to concerts, to church, etc...

Dr: Is your cough better this morning?

Patient: It should be. I've been practicing all night.

Nurse: h.e.l.lo. I'm calling about the check you wrote. It came back.

Patient: Yea, so did my arthritis.

What kind of physician works on a cruise liner?

A dry doc.

The real meaning of FAQ .

f.u.c.k off with All your stupid Questions.

Hot Honey.

A blonde is sitting on a beach, attempting to strike up a conversation with an attractive guy that is next to her.

"Hi," she says, "Do you like movies?"

"Sure," he replies, then returns to reading his book.

The blonde persists. "Do you like gardening?"

"Sure," says the guy politely before returning to his book.

Undaunted, the blonde asks, "Do you like p.u.s.s.ycats?"

With that the guy drops his book and pounces on the blonde, ravaging her like she'd never been ravaged before.

As the cloud of sand settled, the blonde drags herself to a sitting position and pants, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man thinks for a moment and the replies, "How did you know that my name was Katz?"

Windows.

A blonde replaces all the windows in her house with expensive, energy efficient double- glazing.

Twelve months later she gets a call from the contractor who says, "The double-glazing I put in for you still hasn't been paid for."

The blonde replies, "Now don't try to pull a fast one with me. Just because I'm blonde that doesn't mean I'm stupid. The salesman told me that's after a year they pay for themselves."

Three ladies.

Three ladies a brunette, a red head and a blonde are on a flight when suddenly the captain announces, "Please prepare for a crash landing."

The brunette puts on all her jewellery. Surprised by this, the other ladies ask why.

"When they come to rescue us," says the brunette, "they'll see that I'm rich and rescue me first."

The red head not wanting to be out done takes off her top and bra. Surprised by this, the other ladies ask why.

"When they come to rescue us," says the red head, "they'll see my fantastic t.i.ts and rescue me first."

The blonde not wanting to be out done takes off her knickers.

Surprised by this, the other ladies ask why.

"When they come to rescue us," says the blonde, "they always search for a black box first!"

The Antique Furniture Dealer.

An antique furniture dealer, Rose Wood, was a Chippendale off the old block. She had a great sense of humour and was always telling oaks! Sometimes she maple our leg a little too much!

Rumours said that she was a s.e.xy woman, and that many a man wood filler crack. But others said there's knot a grain of truth in that.

It's certainly true that she broke few hearts, as guys wood pine for her. She liked men with polish. She liked men that didn't go against the grain. Often she'd be dating a guy and they wood varnish mysteriously. It's suggested that she wood be helping him put a spit s.h.i.+ne his hardwood.

The true love of her life was a carpenter and an expert at tongue and groove. He helped her restore her prized position a black box. He spent hours polis.h.i.+ng her box lovingly and she thanked him for it, by waxing lyrical about his wood.

I will cedar point to you - She was familiar with softwoods, but she enjoyed a hardwood more than any thing!

The accident.

A husband gets a phone call from the hospital saying that his wife has been involved in a car accident and she's in a coma.

He rushes to the hospital to be by her bedside and there he remains for over a week while the doctors are giving up hope but after being there for so long he was getting rather frisky so waits for the doctor to finish his checks and leave the room and his slips his hand under the covers and strokes his wife's leg when he thinks he sees her finger twitch. So he strokes her inner thigh moving upwards and he hears his wife moan.

He rushes out of the room yelling for the doctor and tells him that what happened. The doctor takes him aside and suggests that if he tries oral s.e.x, it may be bring his wife round and that he'll keep everyone out of the room so they can have some privacy.

The husband excitedly goes into his wife's room and the doctors and nurses wait patiently outside in the corridor.

A few minutes later the guy comes out looking pale, the doctor says "What's the matter?"

"She's dead"

"Well didn't you do as I suggested?"

"Yes Doctor but she choked!"

Salmon Cakes.

An angler walks into a fish shop with a 20-pound salmon under his arm.

"Do you make fish cakes?" he asks.

"Yes we do" came the reply.

"Well" he says pointing to the Salmon, "can you make one for him because it's his birthday on Tuesday?"

The birds.

A guy's wife was always nursing sick birds. One February evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its wing sitting in his favourite chair. On the dining room table, instead of dinner, there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin.

In the kitchen, his wife was comforting a s.h.i.+vering little wren she found out in the snow.

The furious husband strode over to his wife who was towelling down the cold little bird.

"I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these dam birds!"

The wife held up her hand and cut him off in mid sentence.

"Please, Dear, no cursing words in front of the chilled wren."

Q: Why does Tigger the tiger have no friends?