Jokes Book Collection Part Ii Part 53

Rect.i.tude, the formal, dignified demeanour a.s.sumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster, a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circ.u.mvent, the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Barby Doll, A doll with sharp steel spikes.

Impotence: Long time no seed.

Cuban: Forbid the letter between "P" and "R".

Panama: A frying pan's Mom.

Ukraine: A U-shaped bird.

Isle of Wight: They never eat the yolks.

Cornwall: They've run out of bricks.

Somerset: Progress report when preparing Jellies.

Enfield: Free range chicken farm.

Southampton: v.i.a.g.r.a required.

Northampton: v.i.a.g.r.a taken. (c.o.c.kney rhyming slang: Hampton Wick: p.r.i.c.k!) Middles.e.x: Inhabited by Hermaphrodites.

Lancas.h.i.+re: Inhabited by very tall, thin people Stalemate: Why people commit adultery.

Adultery: An acorn, all grown up.

Infantry: A newly planted sapling Treason: A male sapling.

Sauce: What happened when my wife returned early from work.

Telemetry: Repeating it three times!

Q: If circus clown is sacked for no good reason what can he do?

A: Claim for funfair dismissal!

Q: What's the difference between a chicken and a baby?

A: A chicken is the result of a sitting hen, where as a baby is the result of standing c.o.c.k.

Q: How does a coffee pot feel when it's brewing?

A: Perky.

Q: What did the sign at the Egyptian undertakers say?

A: Satisfaction guaranteed or your mummy back!

Q: Did you hear about the guy that liked to eat raw meat?

A: He says he only likes it, "on rare occasions."

Q: What do you call a show full of lions?

A: The mane event.

Q: What's the difference between parsley and p.u.s.s.y?

A: No one eats parsley.

Q: What part of the barn did the newlywed horses stay in?

A: The bridle suite.

A bloke says to his pal, "My s.e.x life is like Three Nuns!"

"Why is that?" asks his mate.

"Well," replies the guy, "I've never had Nun, I can't find Nun and I'm never likely to get Nun!"

Confucius says, If a man that showers with his clothes on, this shows he's crazy.

But, if a man showers with his clothes off, this shows his nuts!

Did you heard about the woman who bicycled over a cobblestone street?

She'd never come that way before.

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.

I see your point!

Two skiers.

Two dyslectic skiers are at the top of a mountain and one says to the other, "Do we zig zag, down this slope or do we zag zig?"

"I don't know," says his pal, "I'll ask that bloke over there. Excuse me mate, do we zig zag down this slope or zag zig?"

"I don't know," says the fella, "I'm a tobogganist."

"Ok then, can I've 20 Bensons and a box of matches please?"

Alternative definitions - Chocolate bar themed.

High cla.s.s thoroughfare: quality street Money making royalty: mint imperial Dark occult: black magic Mother's local: mars bar Clever folk: Smarties Various black items: liquorice allsorts Sport for Princes: polo Frankie Vaughan wanted it: moonlight Good children get these: treats Feline equipment: kit kat Garden flowers: roses a.s.sorted girls: dolly mixture Dairy holder: milk tray Arrange marriage partners: matchmakers Edible fasteners: chocolate b.u.t.tons Wobbly infants: jelly babies Talk quietly: wispa Big bus: double Decker Gem orchard: opal fruits Spin around: twirl Capital granite: Edinburgh rock Lorry driver's snack: yorkie 100% Au: all gold Istanbul harem: Turkish delight Up out there: Milky Way Even more up out there: galaxy Big cat's pub: lion bar Noisy insect: humbug One who wanders: drifter Musical bard: minstrels It's a party: celebrations Outside meal: picnic Easily blown: fuse Locals from Malta: maltase's Reward: bounty Ten cent pub: dime bar Toothless drink: wine gums Sweet tooth: candy floss Pub pins: skittles

A young lad is bragging to his mates that his brother can play the piano by ear.

"That's nothing," says a pal "My brother fiddles with his d.i.c.k!"

"Dad! Dad!" shouted the little boy excitedly as he ran into the living room.

"I've got my eye on a bike for my birthday!"

Without looking up his father says, "Well, Son, Keep your eye on it, as you'll never get your a.r.s.e on it!"

"Today," says the professor, "I'll be lecturing about the liver and spleen."

Up in the gallery, one medical student leans toward his pal and says, "O man, I can't stand organ recitals!"

"Why are you in this line of work?" a sociology researcher asked a ma.s.sage parlour girl.

"I'm trying to pay back this loan shark Paul," she says. "So I guess you could say I'm rubbing peters to pay Paul."

Q: How do you know if you are staying in a second rate hotel?

A: If you call the front desk and say, "I've got a leak in your sink." And they reply, "OK pal, just rinse it out when you're done!"

A man goes into work and tells his pals, "My wife has given him an ultimatum. Until I quit smoking, I won't be getting any s.e.x."

"b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l," says his best mate, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"

"I'm not sure," says the guy, "Probably until my girlfriend dies."

News Flash... The term flying term c.o.c.kpit is to be replaced.

When an all female crew are on the flight deck it with be called "the box office."

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a rum... and c.o.ke."

"Why the big pause?" asks the barman.

"Dammed if I know," says the bear, "I was born with them."

Did you hear about the maths problem that had the student going around in circles?

Apparently it was only when he walked around the block that he found the square route.

Some might say that he didn't read the sines.