My Uncle Oswald Part 3

Ten heads came up and ten pairs of eyes rose from port gla.s.ses and coffee cups and regarded me with mild interest.

"I didn't know you'd already gone up," Sir Charles said. "I thought you had a year to wait and that's why you're over here."

"Quite right," I said. "But my future tutor invited me to spend most of last term working in the Natural Sciences Lab. That's my favourite subject, natural sciences."

"And what, may I ask, have they just discovered that is so secret and so remarkable?" There was a touch of banter in Sir Charles's voice now, and who could blame him?

"Well, sir," I murmured, and then purposely, I stopped.

Silence for a few seconds. The nine foreigners and the British amba.s.sador sat still, waiting politely for me to go on. They were regarding me with a mixture of tolerance and amus.e.m.e.nt. This young lad, they seemed to be saying, has a bit of a nerve to be holding forth like this in front of us. But let's hear him out. It's better than talking politics.

"Don't tell me they are letting a fellow of your age handle secrets," Sir Charles said, smiling a little with his crumbling terra-cotta face.

"These aren't _war_ secrets, sir," I said. "They couldn't help an enemy. These are secrets that are going to help all of mankind."

"Then tell us about them," Sir Charles said, lighting a huge cigar. "You have a distinguished audience here and they are all waiting to hear from you."

"I think it's the greatest scientific breakthrough since Pasteur," I said. "It's going to change the world."

The foreign minister of France made a sharp whistling sound by sucking air up through his hairy nostrils. "You have another Pasteur in England at this moment?" he said. "If so, I would very much like to hear about him." He was a sleek oily Frenchman, this foreign minister, and sharp as a knife. I would have to watch him.

"If the world is about to be changed," Sir Charles said, "I'm a little surprised that this information hasn't yet found its way to my desk."

Steady on, Oswald, I told myself. You've hardly begun and already you've been laying it on too thick.

"Forgive me, sir, but the point is he hasn't published yet."

"Who hasn't? Who's _he?_"

"Professor Yousoupoff, sir."

The Russian amba.s.sador put down his gla.s.s of port and said, "Yousoupoff? Iss he a Russian?"

"Yes, sir, he's a Russian."

"Then vy haven't _I_ heard of him?"

I wasn't about to get into a tangle with this black-eyed, black-bearded Cossack, so I kept silent.

"Come on, then, young man," Sir Charles said. "Tell us about the greatest scientific breakthrough of our time. You mustn't keep us in suspense, you know."

I took a few deep breaths and a gulp of port. This was the great moment. Pray heaven I wouldn't mess it up.

"For years," I said, "Professor Yousoupoff has been working on the theory that the seeds of a ripe pomegranate contain an ingredient that has powerful rejuvenative properties."

"We have millions and millions of pomegranates in my country!" the Italian amba.s.sador exclaimed, looking proud.

"Be quiet, Emilio," Sir Charles said. "Let the boy go on."

"For twenty-seven years," I said, "Professor Yousoupoff has been studying the seed of the pomegranate. It became an obsession with him. He used to sleep in the laboratory. He never went out socially. He never married. The whole place was littered with pomegranates and their seeds."

"Excuse me, please," said the little j.a.panese man. "But why the pomegranate? Why not the grape or the black currant?"

"I cannot answer that question, sir," I said. "I suppose it was simply what you might call a hunch."

"h.e.l.l of a long time to spend on a hunch," Sir Charles said. "But go on, my boy. We mustn't interrupt you."

"Last January," I said, "the Professor's patience was at last rewarded. What he did was this. He dissected the seed of a pomegranate and examined the contents bit by bit under a powerful microscope. And it was only then that he observed in the very centre of the seed a minuscule speck of red vegetable tissue that he'd never seen before. He proceeded to isolate this tiny speck of tissue. But it was obviously too small to be of any use on its own. So the Professor set out to dissect one hundred seeds and to obtain from them one hundred of these tiny red particles. This is where he allowed me to a.s.sist him. I mean by dissecting out these particles under a microscope. This alone occupied us for a whole week."

I took another sip of port. My audience waited for me to go on.

"So we now had one hundred red particles, but even when we put them all together on a gla.s.s slide, the result could still not be seen by the naked eye."

"And you say they were red, these little things?" said the Hungarian amba.s.sador.

"Under the microscope they were a brilliant scarlet," I said.

"And what did this famous professor do with them?"

"He fed them to a rat," I said.

"A rat!"

"Yes," I said. "A big white rat."

"Vy vould anybody vish to feed deese little red bornegranate tings to a rat?" the German amba.s.sador asked.

"Give him a chance, Wolfgang," Sir Charles said to the German. "Let him finish. I want to know what happened." He nodded for me to go on.

"You see, sir," I said, "Professor Yousoupoff had in the laboratory a lot of white rats. He took the one hundred tiny red particles and fed every one of them to a single large healthy male rat. He did this by inserting them, under a microscope, into a piece of meat. He then put the rat in a cage together with ten female rats. I remember very clearly how the Professor and I stood beside the cage watching the male rat. It was late afternoon and we were so excited we had forgotten all about lunch."

"Excuse me one moment, please," the clever French foreign minister said. "But why were you so excited? What made you think that _anything_ was going to happen with this rat?"

Here we go, I thought. I knew I'd have to watch this wily Frenchman. "I was excited, sir, simply because the Professor was excited," I said. "He seemed to _know_ something was going to happen. I can't tell you how. Don't forget, gentlemen, I was only a very young junior a.s.sistant. The Professor did not tell me all his secrets."

"I see," the foreign minister said. "Then let us proceed."

"Yes, sir," I said. "Well, we were watching the rat. At first, nothing happened. Then suddenly, after exactly nine minutes, the rat became very still. He crouched down, quivering all over. He was looking at the females. He crept toward the nearest one and grabbed her by the skin of her neck with his teeth and mounted her. It did not take long. He was very fierce with her and very swift. But here's the extraordinary thing. The moment the rat had finished copulating with the first female, he grabbed a second one and set about her in just the same way. Then he took a third female rat, and a fourth, and a fifth. He was absolutely tireless. He went from one female to another, fornicating with each in turn until he had covered all ten of them. Even then, gentlemen, he hadn't had enough!"

"Good gracious me!" Sir Charles murmured. "What a curious experiment."

"I should add," I went on, "that rats are not normally promiscuous creatures. They are in fact rather moderate in their s.e.xual habits."

"Are you sure of that?" the French foreign minister said. "I thought rats were extraordinarily lascivious."

"No, sir," I answered firmly. "Rats are actually very intelligent and gentle creatures. They are easy to domesticate."

"Go on, then," Sir Charles said. "What did all this tell you?"

"Professor Yousoupoff got very excited. 'Oswaldsky!' he shouted--that's what he called me. 'Oswaldsky, my boy, I think I have discovered the absolutely greatest most powerful s.e.xual stimulant in the whole history of mankind!'

"'I think you have, too,' I said. We were still standing by the cage of rats and the male rat was still leaping on the wretched females, one after the other. Within an hour, he had collapsed from exhaustion. 'We give him too big a dose,' the Professor said."

"This rat," the Mexican amba.s.sador said, "what came of him in the end?"

"He died," I said.

"From too much women, yes?"

"Yes," I said.

The little Mexican clapped his hands together hard and cried out, "That is exactly how I wish to go when I die! From too much women!"

"From too much goats and donkeys iss more like it in Mexico," the German amba.s.sador snorted.

"That's enough of that, Wolfgang," Sir Charles said. "Let's not start any wars. We are listening to a most interesting story. Carry on, my boy."

"So the next time," I said, "we isolated only twenty of these tiny red microscopic nuclei. We inserted them in a pellet of bread and then went out looking for a very old man. With the help of the local newspaper, we found our old man in Newmarket--that's a town not far from Cambridge. His name was Mr. Sawkins, and he was one hundred and two years old. He was suffering from advanced senility. His mind was wandering and he had to be fed by spoon. He had not been out of bed for seven years. The Professor and I knocked on the door of his house and his daughter, aged eighty, opened it. 'I am Professor Yousoupoff,' the Professor announced. 'I have discovered a great medicine to help old people. Will you allow us to give some to your poor old father?'

"'You can give 'im anything you d.a.m.n well please,' the daughter said. 'The old fool doesn't know what's goin' on from one day to the next. 'E's a flamin' nuisance.'

"We went upstairs and the Professor somehow managed to poke the bread pellet down the old man's throat. I noted the time by my watch. 'Let us retire to the Street outside and observe,' the Professor said.

"We went out and stood in the street. I was counting each minute aloud as it went by. And then--you won't believe this, gentlemen, but I swear it's exactly what happened--precisely on the dot of nine minutes, there was a thunderous bellow from inside the Sawkins house. The front door burst open and the old man himself rushed out into the street. He was in bare feet, wearing dirty blueand-grey-striped pyjamas, and his long white hair was all over his shoulders. 'I want me a woman!' he bellowed. 'I want me a woman and by G.o.d I'm goin' to get me a woman!' The Professor clutched my arm. 'Don't move!' he ordered. 'Just observe!'

"The eighty-year-old daughter came rus.h.i.+ng out after the father. 'Come back, you old fool!' she yelled. 'What the 'ell d'you think you're up to?'

"We were, by the way, in a little street with a row of identical connected houses on either side. Mr. Sawkins ignored his daughter and ran, he actually ran, to the nextdoor house. He started banging on the door with his fists. 'Open up, Mrs. Twitch.e.l.l!' he bellowed. 'Come on, my beauty, open up and let's 'ave a bit of fun!'

"I caught a glimpse of the terrified face of Mrs. Twitch.e.l.l at the window. Then it went away. Mr. Sawkins, still bellowing, put his shoulder to the flimsy door and smashed the lock. He dived inside. We stayed out on the street, waiting for the next development. The Professor was very excited. He was jumping up and down in his funny black boots and shouting, 'We have a breakthrough! We've done it! We shall rejuvenate the world!'

"Suddenly, piercing screams and yells came issuing from Mrs. Twitch.e.l.l's house. Neighbours were beginning to gather on the street. 'Go in and get 'im!' shouted the old daughter. "E's gone stark starin' mad!' Two men ran into the Twitch.e.l.l house. There were sounds of a scuffle. Soon, out came the two men, frog-marching old Mr. Sawkins between them. 'I 'ad er!' he was yelling. 'I 'ad the old b.i.t.c.h good and proper! I near rattled 'er to death!' At that point, the Professor and I moved quietly away from the scene."

I paused in my story. Seven amba.s.sadors, the foreign minister of France, the French army general, and the little j.a.panese man were all now leaning forward in their seats, their eyes upon me.

"Is this _exactly_ what happened?" Sir Charles asked me.

"Every word of it, sir, is the gospel truth," I lied. "When Professor Yousoupoff publishes his findings, the whole world will be reading what I have just told you."

"So what happened next?" the Peruvian amba.s.sador asked.

"From then on, it was comparatively simple," I said. "The Professor conducted a series of experiments designed to discover what the proper absolutely safe dose should be for a normal adult male. For this, he used undergraduate volunteers. And you can be quite sure, gentlemen, that he had no trouble getting young men to come forward. As soon as the news spread around the university, there was a waiting list of over eight hundred. But to cut the story short, the Professor finally demonstrated that the safe dose was no more than five of those tiny microscopic nuclei from the pomegranate seed. So, using calcium carbonate as a base, he manufactured a pill containing exactly this quant.i.ty of the magic substance. And he proved beyond any doubt that just one of these pills would, in precisely nine minutes, turn any man, even a very old man, into a marvellously powerful s.e.x-machine that was capable of pleasuring his partner for six hours nonstop, _without exception_."

"_Gott in Himmel!_" shouted the German amba.s.sador. "Ver can I get hold of ziss stuff?"

"Me too!" cried the Russian amba.s.sador. "I haff priority claim because it voss invented by my countryman! I muss inform zee Tsar at vonce!"

Suddenly, they were all speaking at the same time. Where could they get it? They wanted it now! How much did it cost? They were willing to pay handsomely! And the little j.a.panese fellow sitting on my left leaned over and hissed, "You get me big supply of pills, yes. I give you very much money."

"Now just a moment, gentlemen," Sir Charles said, raising a wrinkled hand for silence. "Our young friend here has told us a fascinating story, but as he correctly pointed out, he was only a junior a.s.sistant to Professor whatever-his-name-is. I am quite sure, therefore, that he is not in a position to supply us with this remarkable new pill. Perhaps though, my dear Oswald"--and here Sir Charles leaned toward me and placed a withered hand gently on my forearm--"perhaps, my dear Oswald, you could put me in touch with the great Professor. One of my duties here at the emba.s.sy is to keep the Foreign Office informed of all new scientific discoveries."

"I quite understand," I said.

"If I could obtain a bottle of these pills, preferably a _large_ bottle, I would send it straight to London."

"And I vould send it to Petrograd," said the Russian amba.s.sador.

"And me to Budapest."

"And me to Mexico City."

"And me to Lima."

"And me to Rome."

"Rubbis.h.!.+" cried the German amba.s.sador. "You vant dem for yourselves, you dirty olt men!"

"Now then, Wolfgang," Sir Charles said, squirming a bit.

"Vy not, my dear Sharles? I too vant dem for myself. For zee Kaiser as well, of course, but me first."

I decided I rather liked the German amba.s.sador. He was honest anyway.

"I think it best, gentlemen," Sir Charles said, "if I myself make all the arrangements. I shall write personally to the Professor."

"The j.a.panese people," Mr. Mitsouko said, "are very interested in all ma.s.sage techniques and hot baths and in all similar technological advances, especially the Emperor himself."

I allowed them to finish. I was in control now and that gave me a good feeling. I helped myself to another gla.s.s of port but refused the huge cigar Sir Charles offered me. "Would you prefer a smaller one, dear boy?" he asked me eagerly. "Or a Turkish cigarette? I have some Balkan Sobranies."

"No, thank you, sir," I said. "But the port is delicious."

"Help yourself, dear boy! Fill your gla.s.s!"

"I have some interesting news," I said, and suddenly everyone became silent. The German amba.s.sador cupped a hand behind his ear. The Russian leaned forward in his seat. So did all the rest of them.

"What I am about to tell you is extremely confidential," I said. "May I rely upon all of you to keep it to yourselves?"

There was a chorus of "Yes, yes! Of course! Absolutely! Carry on, young fellow!"

"Thank you," I said. "Now the point is this. As soon as I knew that I was going to Paris I decided I simply must take with me a supply of these pills, especially for my father's great friend Sir Charles Makepiece."

"My dear boy!" Sir Charles cried out. "What a generous thought!"

"I could not, of course, ask the Professor to give any of them to me," I said. "He would never have agreed to that. After all, they are still on the secret list."

"So what did you do?" asked Sir Charles. He was dribbling with excitement. "Did you purloin them?"

"Certainly not, sir," I said. "Stealing is a criminal act."