Sam Cruz's Infallible Guide to Getting Girls Part 3

Buffy pecks at the block in front of the tube to move it. Her actions get more frenetic until with a satisfied chirp, she's moved it enough to toddle in.

Miyuki pulls the cover off the small cage to reveal Buffy touching beaks and tongues with her male mate Angel, much like French kissing.

It's so sweet.

I click off the stopwatch. "Fifty six seconds."

Miyuki nods. "Okay. So by day twenty-two of the pair bonding, the response time of subject to seek out mate is sixteen percent faster, despite new opportunities for coupling."

I watch as the parrots stop kissing and Angel throws up on Buffy.

Miyuki shakes her head. "Nature certainly has an interesting sense of humor when it comes to mating rituals."

I smile indulgently at the parrots, drop a treat on my palm, and reach inside the cage to let Buffy hop onto my hand, a heavy, feathery bundle.

I pull her out. "It's sweet. A sign of affection between Buffy and Angel." I carefully wipe her head.

Miyuki frowns. "You've named my research subjects?"

Uh-oh. I freeze, worried that I've overstepped.

"Don't anthropomorphize these birds. Or get caught up in some misplaced idea of emotion in the avian world."

"I'm not," I hurriedly a.s.sure her. But I totally am. I mean, we're creatures of biology and humans are all about the love. The undamaged ones anyway. Like me and Jeremy. Why not parrots?

Miyuki shakes her head as if she can guess what I'm thinking. "Ally, this is biology. Leave the love business to romance novels."

She turns back to her notes.

I put Buffy back in with Angel and watch her nuzzle her mate.

This day has devolved into sucking in a big way.

I'm trying not to let everyone's negativity get to me as I face Jeremy later that night across a table, wearing this cute 70s-style hemp peasant dress that goes great with my oversized gla.s.ses. I'm like some chic retro princess.

Jeremy hasn't really said much but the food has been good and I'm getting my second dessert of the day. I fork another bit of super tart lemon pie when I notice that he's fidgeting across the table.

"Relax already."

Jeremy puts down his fork. This is a good sign. I just know he's going to suggest applying to the same schools. I sit up straight.

"Ally, I want to-"

"Yes!"

His brows crease in confusion. "No. I... I've realized that you and I have no future."

I try to speak but nothing comes out. I pick up my full water gla.s.s and gulp it down, jittery. It makes Jeremy visibly uncomfortable.

He continues. "I just, uh, don't think that we're compatible."

I slam the gla.s.s down on the table. "We're totally compatible. We like the same movies, causes, science jokes."

"We don't have the chemistry I want in a life partner."

Life partner? You're seventeen! Get over yourself.

"Who is she?"

"Does it matter?"

I cough in shock. "Oh my G.o.d. There really is someone else?"

"You just asked," he says, confused.

"But there wasn't supposed to actually be someone."

Jeremy gives me his "you're not being logical" look.

I want to gouge his eyeb.a.l.l.s out.

"I haven't slept with her..." The "yet" is heavily implied.

"Two years, you rat b.a.s.t.a.r.d. I gave you my youth. My virginity. Who? Is? She?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Her name," I growl, startling Jeremy, who flinches. The ground has just been ripped out from under me and I want a name.

"Leslie."

My mind races as I furiously figure out if I know this traitorous man-stealing bag.

Oh G.o.d. I do. Leslie Quan. A senior from a nearby high school who is so militant in her vegan-activist ways that she makes Jeremy look like a meat-eating redneck.

I'm highly confused by this information, to the point where I just open and close my mouth a few times. He's dumping me for her? "Humor-Les Quan? Is this a sick joke?"

"She's a really nice person once you get to know her."

"Oh, please," I snort, my rage front and center. "She's a bossy b.i.t.c.h who accosts people with how there's a special level of h.e.l.l for egg-eaters."

"It was only that one time," he retorts. "You're being unfair."

"You're right," I concede. "She does have beautiful eyes. And a mouth that looks like it's had plenty of practice in the oral arts."

"If you're going to be childish about this, then we should just end this conversation now."

Childish would be to burst into tears. I won't give the tree-hugging, carob chip-snuffling b.a.s.t.a.r.d the satisfaction. I dig my nails into my palms to hold back the waterworks until I can get out of his sight.

Jeremy's expression softens. "I hope we can remain friends."

And I hope that I don't throw up right now because I feel cold and shaky and like I've just taken a giant fist to my gut.

I jam my knife into the center of his heart-shaped chocolate cake. Blood-red raspberry syrup oozes out. "I hope you choke on that disgusting s.h.i.+t that makes you smell like a.s.s."

I push away from the table, mad that I don't even get to walk out on the diss of all disses.

I hate my life. But mostly I hate Jeremy.

Happy freaking birthday to me.

Chapter five.

At 9pm that night, the second my s.h.i.+ft is over, I race up to Ally's front door. My home away from home since my mom died. Ally's mother Elise waits for me.

"I'm so sorry to make you come over after work."

"Is she okay?"

"She refuses to let me in." Elise sighs. "Between you and me, I never did like Jeremy."

"You weren't the only one."

Elise leads me upstairs. "I've got dinner for you if you're hungry."

"I ate. But thanks."

"Popcorn isn't dinner, Sam. Come down after and get some proper food. Make Ally come down, too."

Elise stops before Ally's closed door and pats my cheek fondly. "I'm so glad she has you."

She's the only person who can make me blush.

Elise leaves. I knock on the door and am predictably ignored. However, I don't care about respecting Ally's privacy like her mom does, so I open it and step through, coming up short at what I see.

Ally is wearing that ugly peasant dress she thinks is hip but really looks like some kind of Woodstock reject. Behind her humongous gla.s.ses, her eyes are puffy and her brownish hair is half-fallen out of her ponytail. She stands on her bed, eyes closed, singing, no, mangling Cee Lo's "Forget You," which she's changed to be about a guy. Ouch.

I shut off the music.

Ally's green eyes snap open. "If you're here to say *I told you so,' you can just..."

She snaps her fingers in dismissal but the movement makes her wobble.

"I wouldn't say that." I take her arm and help her off the bed, stunned as she bursts into tears.

I put my arm around her and pat her head as she sobs with enormous, shuddery gulps into my shoulder. Ally doesn't cry. She's whip smart, funny as h.e.l.l, defensive, and snarky, but waterworks? Never. It's kind of freaking me out.

"Buck up, little camper," I joke, "Let's look at the giant upside."

She glances sideways at me.

"Now you can find a guy who will eat your chocolate poo candy with you."

I fail to get a laugh.

Ally looks at me hopefully. "He's seeing someone else. But he hopes we can be friends. And he wouldn't want to be friends if he didn't still like me, right?"

Oh man. Chicks just have to rip apart every little thing. How to put this nicely? "No. He doesn't."

"It's over? Like done? He gets to just walk away?"

I nod and tense for more tears.

Ally stares at a spot on the wall. I know that look. I can practically hear her brain furiously thinking something through. I wait for it.

She turns to me, teary-eyed, and studies me intently. Just as I'm about to tell her to quit staring, she leans in toward me, her lips puckered.

I slam my hand over my mouth so our lips can't touch.

Ally shoves me. "You're the one who said I should sleep with other guys."

I scoot back so I'm nowhere in contact with her and the crazy now spewing out of her.

"I didn't mean me." Far as I'm concerned, Ally doesn't even have the proper parts for s.e.x. Like a sister wouldn't.

She huffs. "I don't want to sleep with you. I want you to sleep with me."

I shake my head vigorously. "No. You really don't."

She shoves me. Again. Hard. At least I know she's angry and not just Jekyll and Hydeing.

"You're not listening," she says. "I don't want you to sleep with me. I want you to want to."

She looks at me as if she's made some point.

I stare at her, clueless but giving it my best shot at figuring out what's going on. "If this is about going out and having revenge s.e.x, you don't need to. You're smart and funny and Jeremy is a t.w.a.t."

Ally kicks at her carpet like a five-year-old.

"What's going on in your head, Brain?"

Ally gets this manic gleam in her eyes. "Being the one that gets left behind sucks. Not that I thought we'd be together forever, but I thought when it did end, it would be mutual. No hard feelings."