Elements of Morals Part 21

FAMILY DUTIES.

SUMMARY.

=The family.=--Origin and history of the family.--The family originating in the necessity of the perpetuation of the species, has gradually gained in morality until it has reached the present state, namely, _monogamy_, or marriage between one man and one woman: a progress so far as the dignity of woman and the equality of the s.e.xes are concerned.

=Duties of marriage.=--The duties of marriage begin before marriage: to be prudent in the choice of a partner; to prefer the moral interests to the material interests.

Mutual duties of the married couple: fidelity founded: 1, on a free promise; 2, on the very idea of marriage.

Duties peculiar to the husband: protection of the family, work, etc.

Celibacy and its duties.

=Duties of parents toward children.=--Of the rights of parents.--Basis and limits of the paternal authority.--Inst.i.tuted in the interest of the children, it is limited by that very interest.

Parents have not, therefore, 1, the right of life and death; 2, the right to strike and maltreat; 3, the right to sell; 4, the right to corrupt.

Duties of parents.--General duty of affection without privileges or preferences.--Duty of maintenance and education.--Decrease of parental responsibility in proportion to the age of the children.--Three periods in paternal authority.

=Duties of children respecting their parents and respecting each other.=--Filial duty.--Fraternal duty.

=Duties of masters towards their servants.=

=123. The family.=--It is a law among all living beings to perpetuate their species. This law is among animals subject to no moral law. Yet are there certain species where between the male and female a kind of society is established; and with nearly all animals the attachment of the mother to her young, shows itself by most striking and touching proofs. But this maternal interest does not usually last beyond the time necessary to bring up the little ones and enable them to provide for themselves. Beyond this time, the offspring separate and disperse. They live their own life; the mother knows them no longer. As to the father, he has scarcely ever known them. Such are the domestic ties among animals: and, rude as they may be, one cannot help already recognizing and admiring in them the antic.i.p.ated image of the family.

The family in the human species has the same origin and the same end as in the animal species, namely, the perpetuation of the species; but in the former it is exalted and enn.o.bled by additional sentiments: it is consecrated and sanctioned by laws of duty and right to which animals are absolutely incapable of rising.

If we consider the history of the human race, we see the family rise progressively from a certain primitive state, which is not very far from the animal promiscuity, to the condition in which we see it to-day in most civilized countries. Among savage nations, marriages have little stability and duration: they are as easily broken as formed. Female dignity and modesty are scarcely known among them: woman is more a slave than a companion, and the freedom of morals has scarcely any limits. Yet is there no society where marriages are not subject to some sacred or civil formalities, which shows that savages, ignorant as we may suppose them to be, have a presentiment of duties which, under favorable circ.u.mstances, tend to purify and elevate the relations of the s.e.xes. Later, in other societies, marriages take a more regular form and a more fixed character; yet, admitting polygamy, more or less, as among the ancients. In short, many circ.u.mstances have presided over the legal relations of the two s.e.xes, before, through the natural progress of morals and Christian influence, monogamy became the almost universal law of the family in civilized countries.

It has been seen, then, that as the moral sentiment became more refined, the family, as it exists to-day, became more closely related to the State; and it will always be safer, in order to establish the legitimacy of such an inst.i.tution and secure for it due respect, to depend more on sentiment than on reasoning.

Besides, the family is a natural result of the necessary relations which exist between mother, father, and child.

It is the birth of the children which is the end and _raison d'etre_ of the family.

This fact, let it be well noted, already determines between mother and child a relation of some duration. The child is altogether unable to live and develop alone. The mother owes it its nourishment; and nature, having herself prepared for the child in the breast of the mother the sources of its subsistence truly indicated thereby that they should be bound to each other by a positive and inevitable tie. It is true the same tie exists also among the families of the animals and their young (at least with mammalia); and we have seen that there exist among them some germs of family. But let us not forget that it takes only a little time for the young of the animal species to reach that degree of strength which enables it to leave its mother without danger. With the human species, on the contrary, it takes a considerable time. Before the first or second year the child is unable to walk; when it walks, it is still unable to walk alone, to find its food, to develop in any way. Imagine a child two, three, five years old, abandoned to himself in a desert island: he would die of hunger. Besides, instinct is much less strong in man than in animals, and much less certain; when an adult, man follows his own reason; in childhood he needs the reason of others. What shall I say of his moral education and intellectual development? The child needs a teacher as well as a nurse. We see that the relations between mother and child must naturally be prolonged far beyond those between animals. The first natural and necessary relations will finally create between these two beings habits of such a character that they will never more separate, even when they can do without each other. At least, this separation will not take place before man is completely man; and although son and daughter may separate from the family to become in their turn heads of families, there will always exist between parents and children certain ties, certain relations, all the closer, as they each follow the laws of nature. In short, children can never be seen, as is the case in the animal species, becoming complete strangers to their father and mother.

I have first considered the tie between the mother and the child, because it is the most evident and the most necessary. But this relation is not the only one. The child, we have said, needs protection for a long time: does the mother's protection suffice? To judge from the way woman is const.i.tuted, one can see that she needs protection herself. Her weakness and her s.e.x expose her to attacks; she is then but an insufficient protection to the feeble creature she is united to by so many ties.

Therefore must the family have a protector; and who should be the natural protector of the child, if not the father? of the wife, if not the husband? The necessity of protection renders, then, man indispensable to the family. We may add to this, the necessity of subsistence. Undoubtedly the mother gives the child its first nourishment; but later on, the common means of subsistence must come from work. Now, without denying that woman is called to work the same as man, and whilst admitting that in the simple and natural state she is very much stronger than in the civilized state, it must, nevertheless, be admitted that woman, in general, is less fitted for work than man; that with more trouble, she produces less, and that a large portion of her life is necessarily taken up with her peculiar cares.

Without the work of the head of the family, the common subsistence would, therefore, be imperiled.

If we now consider the education of the children, it is beyond doubt that the maternal education is insufficient. The mother represents in the family, love, solicitude, serviceableness. In a solid education, authority should be added to these. It may be noticed that in children brought up by one of the parents only, there is in general something incomplete. Those who have had the father only, lack something in tenderness and delicacy of feeling which the graces of maternity insensibly communicate to the child; those who have had the mother only, are lacking in discipline and solidity of character: they are capricious and of a more pa.s.sionate willfulness. Nature, then, appeals to the joint efforts of both father and mother in the education of the child. Let us add now that this close tie, which on one side attaches the child to the mother and on the other to the father, should also attach parents to each other, far beyond the first and transitory tie which first joined them.

United in a common undertaking, namely, to support and educate the being they have brought into the world--it is impossible that they should not continue to be more and more closely united.

=124. Family duties.=--This is the natural history of the family. It was probably in a similar manner, with many vicissitudes, that it gradually formed and then became transformed. Let us now see how out of this a.s.sociation, founded by instincts, interests, and circ.u.mstances, the principle of duty makes a sacred and indissoluble inst.i.tution.

There can be distinguished in the family four kinds of relations, whence spring four cla.s.ses of duties:

1. The relations between the husband and wife.

2. The relations of parents to children.

3. The relations of children to parents.

4. The relations of children to each other.

Whence conjugal duty, paternal or maternal duty, filial duty, and fraternal duty.

To these four relations, there may be added a fifth: that of the head of a family to his servants.

=125. Duties of marriage.=--The duties of marriage begin before marriage: they begin with the mutual choice of the man and the woman. For the woman, it usually happens, at least in our society [in France], that the choice is determined by the parents. The responsibility, then, falls upon them.

Now, this choice should not be made lightly and foolishly. It should be determined by a serious and n.o.ble conception of the duties and end of marriage.

"Marriage," our Code admirably says, "is an a.s.sociation between man and woman, to share the pleasures and bear in common the trials of life."[68]

Marriage is, therefore, a compact entirely moral: it is not only a union of bodies or fortunes, it is a union of souls. Life in common and indissoluble, with all its possible accidents, is too heavy a burden to be left to chance. A man should think not only of his own happiness, but also of that of the woman whom he a.s.sociates with his destiny; if he does not consider himself strong enough to fulfill toward her all the duties which such a connection imposes on him, he should not unite her to himself by indissoluble vows; if he does not think that he can love and respect her all through life, let him spare himself and her a life-long misery. We may see by this how important in conjugal union are a harmony of character, a just and mutual esteem, and an enlightened affection. To marry rashly and too hastily, and thus to risk future happiness, is already failing in a first duty. One should, therefore, not rely too implicitly upon indifferent or interested go-betweens.

It is said, indeed, that there is no way of knowing with certainty the character and sincerity of men. Many a one who in society appears amiable and estimable, is perhaps, in private life, selfish and tyrannical; women, it is said, moreover, are particularly skilled, even when young, in a.s.suming qualities which they do not possess, and in disguising their faults; that if one were constantly scrutinizing and distrusting, marriage would be impossible; for the most sagacious are deceived in them, etc., etc. All this, to a certain extent, is true; and there could be nothing done without some sort of confidence; but this confidence, when it is the result of precaution and prudence, is much less often deceived than satirists would have it. Besides, if there be room for deception, even after a reasonably long intimacy, the chances are at least better than they would be if the parties were to rush headlong into a future absolutely unknown to them.

Another grave error is that of seeing in marriage nothing but a union of fortunes and names.

It is bringing what in reality is the n.o.blest and most delicate of contracts, down to a simple commercial act. Certainly one should not propose to the inexperience of young people the union of two poverties, as an ideal: it is well known that poverty is much harder to bear when one has to share it with a wife and children, than alone. But whilst in certain cla.s.ses of society marriage could scarcely be possible otherwise (workingmen having no capital to back their marriage contracts), the cla.s.ses that have some competency should not make property the first consideration; character, mind, and merit should by far outweigh it.

We distinguish generally two kinds of marriages: the reason-marriages (_mariages de raison_) and the inclination marriages; and much has been said for and against both. These are questions which will never be solved, because experience shows that they are mostly dependent on circ.u.mstances.

It may be said that, as a principle, the true marriage is the marriage based on inclination enlightened by reason. What experience and wisdom condemn, are the foolish inclinations--those, for example, that take no account of age, education, social surroundings, necessities of life. These sorts of pa.s.sion scarcely ever stand the test of time and circ.u.mstances, and are generally followed by a painful reaction. "There is," says La Bruyere, "hardly any other reason for loving no longer, than to have loved too much." But inclination is not always unreasonable; and when it can be reconciled with the counsels of wisdom, which is no rare thing, it is better than cold reason, and answers better to the purpose of marriage: it is a surer guaranty of its dignity and happiness.

A wise moralist, Mr. Adolphe Garnier, makes a very reasonable reply to those who pretend that inclination disappears very fast in marriage: "We reply," he says, "that inclination will at least have formed a true marriage whilst it lasted. It will leave for all the rest of life a remembrance of the first years, which shall have been purified, enn.o.bled, sanctified by this heart-affection. This remembrance will sweeten more than one bitter moment, will prevent more than one anguish. Duty will be sustained by a remembrance of past happiness."[69]

The marriage once made, we have to consider, one after the other, the duties of the husband and those of the wife. There are some they have in common, and others which belong to the particular part each plays in the household.

The duty which the husband and wife have in common, is fidelity. This duty is based on the very nature of marriage, as also upon a mutual promise.

Let us begin by this latter consideration. Marriage, such as it is inst.i.tuted in civilized or Christian countries, is monogamy, or marriage of one man with one woman (except in cases of decease). Such is the state one binds one's self to in entering the marriage relation: one accepts thereby the obligation of an inviolable fidelity. If then a promise is sacred in respect to material goods, how much more sacred is the promise between hearts, and this mutual gift of soul to soul, which const.i.tutes the dignity of marriage! Conjugal fidelity is, then, a duty of honor, a veritable debt.

But fidelity is not only the obligatory result of a promise, of a given word; it is also the result of the very idea of marriage, and marriage in its turn results from the nature of things.

Marriage was inst.i.tuted to save the dignity of woman. Experience, in fact, teaches us that wherever polygamy exists, woman is not far from being man's slave. Man, dividing his affections between several women, cannot love each one with that refinement and constancy which render her his equal. How could there exist between a master and several slaves vying for his looks and caprices, that intimacy, that mutual sharing of good and evil wherein the moral beauty of marriage consists? It is quite evident that equality between man and woman cannot exist where the latter is obliged to share with others the common good of conjugal affection.

Hence the inst.i.tution of marriage which was established in the interest of the woman, and which is the protection of the weaker party. It evidently follows that, on her side, she is held to the same fidelity which she has a right to demand. Conjugal infidelity, on whichever side it occurs, is then a disguised polygamy, and, moreover, an irregular and capricious polygamy, very inferior to the legal; for this recognizes at least certain rules, and establishes with precision the condition of the several wives.

But adultery destroys all regular and fixed relations between the married couple; it introduces into marriage the open or clandestine usurpation of sworn rights; it tends to re-establish the primitive and savage state, where the coming together of the s.e.xes depended on chance and caprice.

Fidelity is for the married couple a common and reciprocal duty. Each, besides, has peculiar duties. We shall lay particular stress on those of the husband. The first of all, which carries with it all others, is _protection_.

"Man, being the head of the family, is its natural protector. He holds his authority from the laws and from usage. Moreover, it results from the very nature of things: for between two persons, even perfectly united, it is difficult, it is impossible, to meet with a constant uniformity of views, sentiments, and wishes. There must be, then, a determining voice; one of the two persons sharing in common domestic authority, must have the privilege of superior authority. Now, what are the t.i.tles to this superior authority? These t.i.tles are strength and reason. Evidently, power in the family belongs by right to him who is strong enough to defend it and reasonable enough to exercise it.

But this authority would only be an insupportable privilege if man pretended to exercise it without doing any thing, without returning to the family in the form of security what it pays him in respect and obedience.

_Work_ is the first duty of man as head of the family. This is true of all cla.s.ses of society, as well of those who live upon their income, as of those who live by their work. For the first have to make themselves worthy of the fortune they have received by n.o.ble occupations, or, at least, by preserving it and making it bear fruit through a wise management: and the second have, I do not say, a fortune to acquire, which is an aim rarely attained, but they have a far more pressing object before them, namely, the livelihood of those who live under their protection."[70]

No one has better depicted, and in a more delicate and sensible manner, the common duties of husbands and wives than Xenophon, who in this particular is a worthy pupil of Socrates, the one of all the ancient sages who best understood the duties of the family. Socrates relates in the following terms the conversation of Ischomachus and his wife,--a young married pair,--in which the husband instructs his wife in domestic duties.