Tales from Blackwood Volume Iii Part 3

says he, "I don't deny that it's a good conclusion, and one that 'ud be ov materi'l service to the Church if it was dhrawn wid a little more distinctiveness."

"I'll make it as plain as the nose on your Holiness's face, by superbaton," says his Riv'rence. "My adversary says, black is not another colour, that is, white? Now that's jist a parallel pa.s.sidge wid the one out ov Tartullian that me and Hayes smashed the heretics on in Clarendon Sthreet, 'This is my body--that is, the figure ov my body.'

That's a superbaton, and we showed that it oughtn't to be read that way at all, but this way, 'This figure of my body _is_ my body.' Jist so wid my adversary's proposition, it mustn't be undherstood the way it reads, by no manner of manes; but it's to be taken this way,--'Black--that is, white, is not another colour,'--green, if you like, or orange, by dad, for anything I care, for my case is proved. 'Black,' that is, 'white,'

lave out the 'that,' by sinnalayphy, and you have the orthodox conclusion, 'Black is white,' or by convarsion, 'White is black.'"

"It's as clear as mud," says the Pope.

"Begad," says his Riv'rence, "I'm in great humour for disputin'

to-night. I wisht your Holiness was a heretic jist for two minutes,"

says he, "till you'd see the flaking I'd give you!"

"Well then, for the fun o' the thing, suppose me my namesake, if you like," says the Pope, laughing, "though, by Jayminy," says he, "he's not one that I take much pride out ov."

"Very good--devil a betther joke ever I had," says his Riv'rence. "Come, then, Misther Pope," says he, "hould up that purty face ov yours, and answer me this question. Which 'ud be the biggest lie, if I said I seen a turkey-c.o.c.k lying on the broad ov his back, and picking the stars out ov the sky, or if I was to say that I seen a gandher in the same intherestin' posture, raycreating himself wid similar asthronomical experiments? Answer me that, you ould swaddler?" says he.

"How durst you call me a swaddler, sir?" says the Pope, forgetting, the dear man, the part that he was acting.

"Don't think for to bully me!" says his Riv'rence, "I always daar to spake the truth, and it's well known that you're nothing but a swaddling ould sinner ov a saint," says he, never letting on to persave that his Holiness had forgot what they were agreed on.

"By all that's good," says the Pope, "I often hard ov the imperance ov you Irish afore," says he, "but I never expected to be called a saint in my own house either by Irishman or Hottentot. I'll till you what, Misther Maguire," says he, "if you can't keep a civil tongue in your head, you had betther be walking off wid yourself; for I beg lave to give you to undherstand, that it won't be for the good ov your health if you call me by sich an outprobrious epithet again," says he.

"Oh, indeed! then things is come to a purty pa.s.s," says his Riv'rence (the dear funny soul that he ever was!) "when the likes of you compares one of the Maguires ov Tempo wid a wild Ingine! Why, man alive, the Maguires was kings ov Fermanagh three thousand years afore your grandfather, that was the first ov your breed that ever wore shoes and stockings" (I'm bound to say, in justice to the poor Prodesan, that this was all spoken by his Riv'rence by way of a figure ov s.p.a.che), "was sint his Majesty's arrand to cultivate the friends.h.i.+p of Prince Lee Boo in Botteney Bay! Oh Bryan dear," says he, letting on to cry, "if you were alive to hear a _boddagh Sa.s.senagh_ like this casting up his counthry to one ov the name ov Maguire!"

"In the name ov G.o.d," says the Pope, very solemniously, "what _is_ the maning ov all this at all at all?" says he.

"Sure," says his Riv'rence, whispering to him across the table, "sure you know we're acting a conthravarsy, and you tuck the part ov the Prodesan champion. You wouldn't be angry wid me, I'm sure, for sarving out the heretic to the best ov my ability."

"Oh begad, I had forgot," says the Pope, the good-natured ould crethur; "sure enough you were only taking your part, as a good Milesian Catholic ought, agin the heretic Sa.s.senagh. Well," says he, "fire away now, and I'll put up wid as many conthroversial compliments as you plase to pay me."

"Well, then, answer me my question, you santimonious ould dandy," says his Riv'rence.

"In troth, then," says the Pope, "I dunna which 'ud be the biggest lie: to my mind," says he, "the one appears to be about as big a bounce as the other."

"Why, then, you poor simpleton," says his Riv'rence, "don't you persave that, forbye the advantage the gandher 'ud have in the length ov his neck, it 'ud be next to onpossible for the turkey-c.o.c.k lying thataway to see what he was about, by rason ov his djollars and other accouthrements hanging back over his eyes? The one about as big a bounce as the other! Oh, you misfortunate crethur! if you had ever larned your A B C in theology, you'd have known that there's a differ betuxt them two lies so great, that, begad, I wouldn't wondher if it 'ud make a balance ov five years in purgathory to the sowl that 'ud be in it. Ay, and if it wasn't that the Church is too liberal entirely, so she is, it 'ud cost his heirs and succissors betther nor ten pounds to have him out as soon as the other. Get along, man, and take half-a-year at dogmatical theology: go and read your Dens, you poor dunce, you!"

"Raally," says the Pope, "you're making the heretic's shoes too hot to hould me. I wondher how the Prodesans can stand afore you at all."

"Don't think to delude me," says his Riv'rence, "don't think to back out ov your challenge now," says he, "but come to the scratch like a man, if you are a man, and answer me my question. What's the rason, now, that Julius Caesar and the Vargin Mary was born upon the one day?--answer me that, if you wouldn't be hissed off the platform?"

Well, my dear, the Pope couldn't answer it, and he had to acknowledge himself sacked. Then he axed his Riv'rence to tell him the rason himself; and Father Tom communicated it to him in Latin. But as that is a very deep question, I never hard what the answer was, except that I'm tould it was so mysterious, it made the Pope's hair stand on end.

But there's two o'clock, and I'll be late for the lecthir.

CHAPTER III.

HOW FATHER TOM MADE A HARE OF HIS HOLINESS IN LATIN.

Oh, Docther Whateley, Docther Whateley, I'm sure I'll never die another death if I don't die aither of consumption or production! I ever and always thought that asthronomy was the hardest science that was till now--and it's no lie I'm telling you, the same asthronomy is a tough enough morsel to brake a man's fast upon--and geolidgy is middling and hard too--and hydherastatics is no joke; but ov all the books of science that ever was opened and shut, that book upon Pilitical Econimy lifts the pins! Well, well, if they wait till they persuade me that taking a man's rints out ov the counthry, and spinding them in forrain parts isn't doing us out ov the same, they'll wait a long time in troth. But you're waiting, I see, to hear how his Riv'rence and his Holiness got on after finis.h.i.+ng the disputation I was telling you of. Well, you see, my dear, when the Pope found he couldn't hold a candle to Father Tom in theology and logic, he thought he'd take the s.h.i.+ne out ov him in Latin anyhow, so says he, "Misther Maguire," says he, "I quite agree wid you that it's not lucky for us to be spaking on them deep subjects in sich langidges as the evil spirits is acquainted wid; and," says he, "I think it 'ud be no harm for us to spake from this out in Latin," says he, "for fraid the devil 'ud undherstand what we are saying."

"Not a hair I care," says Father Tom, "whether he undherstands what we're saying or not, as long as we keep off that last pint we wor discussing, and one or two others. Listners never heard good ov themselves," says he; "and if Belzhebub takes anything amiss that aither you or me says in regard ov himself or his faction, let him stand forrid like a man, and, never fear, I'll give him his answer. Howandiver, if it's for a taste ov cla.s.sic conwersation you are, just to put us in mind ov ould Cordarius," says he, "here's at you;" and wid that he lets fly at his Holiness wid his health in Latin.

"Vesthrae Sanct.i.tatis salutem volo!" says he.

"Vesthrae Revirintiae salubritati bibo!" says the Pope to him again (haith, it's no joke, I tell you, to remimber sich a power ov larning).

"Here's to you wid the same," says the Pope, in the raal Ciceronian.

"Nunc poculum alterhum imple," says he.

"c.u.m omni jucunditate in vita," says his Riv'rence. "c.u.m summa concupiscintia et animositate," says he; as much as to say, "Wid all the veins ov my heart, I'll do that same;" and so wid that, they mixed their fourth gun a-piece.

"Aqua vitae vesthra sane est liquor admirabilis," says the Pope.

"Verum est pro te,--it's thrue for you," says his Riv'rence, forgetting the idyim ov the Latin phwraseology, in a manner.

"Prava est tua Latinitas, domine," says the Pope, finding fault like wid his etymology.

"Parva culpa mihi," "small blame to me, that is," says his Riv'rence; "nam multum laboro in partibus interioribus," says he--the dear man!

that never was at a loss for an excuse!

"Quid tibi incommodi?" says the Pope, axing him what ailed him.

"Habesne id quod Anglice vocamus, a looking-gla.s.s," says his Riv'rence.

"Immo, habeo speculum splendidissimum subther operculum pyxidis hujus starnutatoriae," says the Pope, pulling out a beautiful goold snuff-box, wid a looking-gla.s.s in under the lid; "Subther operculum pyxidis hujus starnutatorii--no--starnutatoriae--quam dono accepi ab Archi-duce Austhriaco siptuagisima praetherita," says he; as much as to say that he got the box in a prisint from the Queen ov Spain last Lint, if I rightly remimber.

Well, Father Tom laughed like to burst. At last, says he, "Pather Sancte," says he, "sub errore jaces. 'Looking-gla.s.s' apud nos habet significationem quamdam peculiarem ex tempore diei dependentem"--there was a sthring ov accusatives for yez!--"nam mane speculum sonat," says he, "post prandium vero mat--mat--mat"--sorra be in me but I disremimber the cla.s.sic appellivation ov the same article. Howandiver, his Riv'rence went on explaining himself in such a way as no scholar could mistake.

"Vesica mea," says he, "ab illo ultimo eversore distenditur, donc similis est rumpere. Verbis apertis," says he, "Vesthrae Sanct.i.tatis praesentia salvata, aquam facere valde desidhero."

"Ho, ho, ho!" says the Pope, grabbing up his box; "si inquinavisses meam pyxidem, excimnicari debuisses. Hillo, Anthony," says he to his head butler, "fetch Misther Maguire a----"

"You spoke first!" says his Riv'rence, jumping off his sate: "You spoke first in the vernacular. I take Misther Anthony to witness," says he.

"What else would you have me to do?" says the Pope, quite dogged like to see himself bate thataway at his own waypons. "Sure," says he, "Anthony wouldn't undherstand a B from a bull's foot, if I spoke to him any other way."

"Well, then," says his Riv'rence, "in considheration ov the needcessity," says he, "I'll let you off for this time; but mind, now, afther I say _praestho_, the first of us that spakes a word of English is the hare--_praestho_!"

Neither ov them spoke for near a minit, considhering wid themselves how they wor to begin sich a great thrial ov shkill. At last, says the Pope--the blessed man! only think how 'cute it was ov him!--"Domine Maguire," says he, "valde desidhero, certiorem fieri de significatione istius verbi _eversor_ quo jam jam usus es"--(well, surely I _am_ the boy for the Latin!)

"_Eversor_, id est cyathus," says his Riv'rence, "nam apud nos _tumbleri_, seu eversores, dicti sunt ab evertendo ceremoniam inter amicos; non, ut Temperantiae Societatis frigidis fautoribus placet, ab evertendis ipsis potatoribus." (It's not every masther undher the Boord, I tell you, could carry such a car-load ov the dead langidges.) "In agro vero Louthiano et Midensi," says he, "nomine gaudent quodam secundum linguam Anglicanum significante bombardam seu tormentum; quia ex eis tanquam ex telis jaculatoriis liquorem faucibus immittere solent. Etiam inter haereticos illos melanostomos" (that was a touch of Greek).

"Presbyterianos Septentrionales, qui sunt terribiles potatores, Cyathi dicti sunt _faceres_, et dimidium Cyathi _haef-a-glessus_. Dimidium Cyathi vero apud Metropolitanos Hibernicos dicitur _dandy_."--

"En verb.u.m Anglicanum!" says the Pope, clapping his hands,--"leporem te fecisti;" as much as to say that he had made a hare ov himself.

"_Dandaeus, dandaeus_, verb.u.m erat," says his Riv'rence--oh, the dear man, but it's himself that was handy ever and always at getting out ov a hobble--"_dandaeus_ verb.u.m erat," says he, "quod dicturus eram, c.u.m me intherpillavisti."

"Ast ego dico," says the Pope, very sharp, "quod verb.u.m erat _dandy_."

"Per tibicinem qui coram Mose modulatus est," says his Riv'rence, "id flagellat mundum! _Dandaeus_ dixi, et tu dicis _dandy_; ergo tu es lepus, non ego--Ah, ha! Saccavi vesthram Sanct.i.tatem!"