Possessing the Secret of Joy Part 5

The initiation...

Still she looked at me in the same questioning way.

The female initiation, I said. Into womanhood.

Oh? she said. But looked still as if she didn't understand.

Circ.u.mcision, I whispered.

Pardon? she said, in a normal tone of voice that seemed loud in the quiet room.

I felt as if I had handed her a small and precious pearl and she had promptly bitten into it and declared it a fake.

What exactly is this procedure? she asked, briskly.

I was reminded of a quality in African-American women that I did not like at all. A bluntness. A going to the heart of the matter even if it gave everyone concerned a heart attack. Rarely did black women in America exhibit the graceful subtlety of the African woman. Had slavery given them this? Suddenly a story involving Raye popped into my mind: I saw her clearly as she would have been in the nineteenth century, the eighteenth, the seventeenth, the sixteenth, the fifteenth... Her hands on her hips, her b.r.e.a.s.t.s thrust out. She is very black, as black as I am. "Listen, cracker," she is saying, "did you sell my child or not?" The "cracker" whines, "But listen, Louella, it was my child too!" The minute he turns his back, she picks up a huge boulder, exactly like the one that is in my throat, and... But I drag myself back from this scene.

Don't you have my file? I asked, annoyed. I was sure The Old Man sent it before he died. On the other hand, this was a question he'd never asked me. I'd said "circ.u.mcision" to him and he'd seemed completely satisfied; as if he knew exactly what was implied. Now I wondered: had he understood?

I have your file, said Raye, tapping its bulging gray cover with a silver-painted nail and ignoring my att.i.tude. I am ignorant about this practice, though, and would like to learn about it from you. She paused, glanced into the folder. For instance, something I've always wondered is whether the exact same thing is done to every woman. Or is there variation? Your sister... Dura's c.l.i.toris was excised, but was something else done too, that made it more likely that she would bleed to death?

Her tone was now clinical. It relaxed me. I breathed deeply and sought the necessary and familiar distance from myself. I did not get as far away as usual, however.

Always different, I would think, I said, exhaling breath, because women are all different. Yet always the same, because women's bodies are all the same. But this was not precisely true. In my reading I had discovered there were at least three forms of circ.u.mcision. Some cultures demanded excision of only the c.l.i.toris, others insisted on a thorough sc.r.a.ping away of the entire genital area. A sigh escaped me as I thought of explaining this.

A slight frown came between Raye's large, clear eyes.

I realize it is hard for you to talk about this, she said. Perhaps we shouldn't push.

But I am already pus.h.i.+ng, and the boulder rolls off my tongue, completely crus.h.i.+ng the old familiar faraway voice I'd always used to tell this tale, a voice that had hardly seemed connected to me.

It was only after I came to America, I said, that I even knew what was supposed to be down there.

Down there?

Yes. My own body was a mystery to me, as was the female body, beyond the function of the b.r.e.a.s.t.s, to almost everyone I knew. From prison Our Leader said we must keep ourselves clean and pure as we had been since time immemorial-by cutting out unclean parts of our bodies. Everyone knew that if a woman was not circ.u.mcised her unclean parts would grow so long they'd soon touch her thighs; she'd become masculine and arouse herself. No man could enter her because her own erection would be in his way.

You believed this?

Everyone believed it, even though no one had ever seen it. No one living in our village anyway. And yet the elders, particularly, acted as if everyone had witnessed this evil, and not nearly a long enough time ago.

But you knew this had not happened to you?

But perhaps it had, I said. Certainly to all my friends who'd been circ.u.mcised, my uncirc.u.mcised v.a.g.i.n.a was thought to be a monstrosity. They laughed at me. Jeered at me for having a tail. I think they meant my l.a.b.i.a majora. After all, none of them had v.a.g.i.n.al lips; none of them had a c.l.i.toris; they had no idea what these things looked like; to them I was bound to look odd. There were a few other girls who had not been circ.u.mcised. The girls who had been would sometimes actually run from us, as if we were demons. Laughing, though. Always laughing.

And yet it is from this time, before circ.u.mcision, that you remember pleasure?

When I was little I used to stroke myself, which was taboo. And then, when I was older, and before we married, Adam and I used to make love in the fields. Which was also taboo. Doing it in the fields, I mean. And because we practiced c.u.n.n.i.l.i.n.g.u.s.

Did you experience o.r.g.a.s.m?

Always.

And yet you willingly gave this up in order to... Raye was frowning in disbelief.

I completed the sentence for her: To be accepted as a real woman by the Olinka people; to stop the jeering. Otherwise I was a thing. Worse, because of my friends.h.i.+p with Adam's family and my special relations.h.i.+p to him, I was never trusted, considered a potential traitor, even. Besides, Our Leader, our Jesus Christ, said we must keep all our old ways and that no Olinka man-in this he echoed the great liberator Kenyatta-would even think of marrying a woman who was not circ.u.mcised.

But Adam was not Olinkan, said Raye, puzzled.

I sighed. The boulder was gone, but speech itself suddenly felt quite hopeless. I never thought of marrying Adam, I said, firmly, and watched the surprise in her eyes. I married him because he was loyal, gentle and familiar. Because he came for me. And because I found I could not fight with the wound tradition had given me. I could hardly walk.

But who...? Raye began, even more perplexed.

At last I found a cool smile forming on my tense face. I smiled at the young innocent, ignorant girl I'd been. The boulder now not only had rolled off my tongue but was rolling quite rapidly away from me toward the door. Like every Olinka maiden, I said, I was in love with the perfect lover who already had three wives. The perfect lover and father and brother who had been so cruelly taken from us, but whose laughing eyes we saw in the photograph he'd left us, and whose sweetly tempting voice we heard on ca.s.sette in the night. Poor Adam! He couldn't hold a candle to Our Leader, the real-to us-Jesus Christ.

ADAM.

THE OLINKANS SPOKE of "Our Leader" with exactly the fervor we wished them to speak of "Our Lord." There were always tales of his exploits drifting through the village, his "miracles" of ambush and derring-do against the whites. He seemed like Christ to the villagers except for one thing: his acceptance of violence as a means to the end of African oppression. He was called "Our Leader" because the white regime made it a crime to say his name aloud. There were men walking about in every Olinka village whose backs bore the scars of their forgetfulness or defiance of this edict. And when these men spoke of "Our Leader," an especially harsh protectiveness and anger blazed in their eyes. In fact, it became increasingly frightening to try to talk to them about Christ at all. Our Christ. Our white, pacifist leader safely dead.

PART EIGHT.

LISETTE.

WHEN PIERRE TURNED SEVENTEEN and had completed his studies at the lycee, nothing could prevent him from going to America to be nearer his father. He is thoughtful, curly-haired, golden. In France, people a.s.sume he is Algerian. I sent him to Harvard. Why not? As I tell my friends, since Pierre is my only expense, I can afford to be lavish with him. But it is more than that. Because he has grown up virtually without a father, I feel compelled to compensate.

When Evelyn learned of my pregnancy with little Pierre, as Adam and I and my parents used to call him, she flew into a rage that subsided into a years-long deterioration and rancorous depression. She tried to kill herself. She spoke of murdering their son. I felt badly for Adam. He had not intended to have a child with me. It was I who wanted a baby. I who did not want, except occasionally, a man. Perhaps I was simply swept along by the winds of change that were blowing over women's lives in France, thanks to women like my suffragist grandmother and writers like Simone de Beauvoir, whose book The Second s.e.x put the world I knew into a perspective I could more easily comprehend, if not control. Prior to reading her book I felt doomed to incomprehension regarding the universal subjugation of women. Doomed to ignorance, in spite of having listened, from babyhood, to the flaming speeches of Grandmother Beatrice, as she labored for the rights of French women. Doomed, even, to a kind of insanity that I believe the pampered oppressed always feel, and for which there seems to be no remedy except enlightenment regarding their plight, followed by active exercise of the insights of their awareness.

It was hard enough to have been forced to leave Algeria, our house and gardens and servants and friends.h.i.+ps (with the servants) there. But the French were killing the Algerians, body and soul, and the Algerians grew sick of being treated worse than dogs. They fought back. There seemed to be a rising tide of blood across the land, and even clergymen like my father were not exempt. We left in tears, for we considered ourselves Algerians. French Algerians, of course. Members of the ruling cla.s.s and race, bien sur. The elite. And yet I, especially, felt native to the land, because I was. I was born there. Hot sun even now is the kind I prefer. I am never so happy as when enveloped by a scorching Parisian summer, when most true Parisians make sure to be someplace else. Someplace cooler. The ocean or the mountains.

There were places-restaurants, nightclubs, schools, neighborhoods-the Algerian natives could not go. The old colonial story. And yet the people were so beautiful, hospitable as Africans are always, especially our servants and playmates. The children taught me games, and they and their parents taught me Arabic.

There was no way I could understand what was happening, when they arrived for work with their eyes veiled, even hostile, and their faces swollen from grief. Some loved one would have been picked up by the French security forces in the night, grilled, imprisoned, tortured, killed.

Loving my nurse, my playmates and the servants, I naturally hated France. And then suddenly to have to "return" there, as the newspapers said of us. I protested to my parents that France was a place I'd never been; how, therefore, could I "return"? My parents, like most settler parents, had no answer. They were far from happy about the turn of events themselves. They'd left France in the first place because French society had no place for them; all prominent spots, my father joked, having been occupied; and though in Algeria my father suffered as a Christian minister surrounded by a world of Moslems, he felt he'd discovered and enlarged a niche for himself that was rewarding. He had more power in Algeria, and a more conspicuous place in society, than he ever could have had in France.

I liked to watch my father with pet.i.t Pierre, his namesake. They were physically much alike, short, thin-bodied and serious, rather slow and low-key among the coffee-crazed, perpetually cranky Parisians. I know that when my father looked at Pierre he saw the innocent, that is to say, apolitical, Algerian boys of his congregation whom he'd left behind to an uncertain fate, caught as they were between the French security forces, to whom all Arabs looked alike, and the Maquis, the NLA and the more militant Moslem fanatics, to whom Christian Arabs looked not at all like themselves: which is to say, like true Arabs. The young boys who had appeared deeply moved by the nonviolence preached by the Jesus Christ of my father's church. The Jesus they inevitably identified as a rebel Algerian, for not only did the Jesus Christ of the Christian religion look like an Algerian, but for a long time there was a tradition of Arab martyrdom in Algeria, of which they were well aware, as young "Arab terrorist" after young "Arab terrorist," sometimes boys no older than themselves, went up, barehanded or with stones and rusty swords, against the machine guns and hand grenades of the French.

Pet.i.t Pierre, appearing years later, after my parents had resettled completely into French life, and I had settled for the first time, became both our remembrance of our Algerian experience, which in Paris seemed suddenly never to have existed, and our solace. This became true even for my mother, who cared, to a much greater extent than either my father or I, what other people thought. She did not have her own mother's firm belief in her right to enjoy life as she pleased and in such company as she alone chose, but she had loved Algeria and the warmth of the people had impressed itself upon her. Her bourgeois French racism-"All Arabs steal; the women are no better than they should be; the children are born with a criminal streak; etc., etc., etc."-had been severely shaken by the suffering of her servants and friends.

She adored Pierre. When he left for America I thought her heart would break. She who saw him as the light of her waning existence, and the light of her memory of an earlier phase, in which he had had no part, but rather was like a belated sun in the evening of her life, illuminating some new truth she now knew, pointing backward with its rays. She who, since he could walk, had strolled hand in hand with him in every Paris square. Protectively wary at first of the covert glances of strangers; then boldly in solidarity with pet.i.t Pierre; then lost, happily, in the grandmotherly joy of his golden hand in hers.

EVELYN.

I TOLD RAYE about my lifelong tendency to escape from reality into the realm of fantasy and storytelling.

Without this habit, I said, it would be impossible for me to guess anything out of the ordinary had happened to me.

What do you mean? she asked.

I mean, if I find myself way off into an improbable tale, imagining it or telling it, then I can guess something horrible has happened to me and that I can't bear to think about it. Wait a minute, I said, considering it for the first time, do you think this is how storytelling came into being? That the story is only the mask for the truth?

She looked doubtful.

I grew to trust Raye. One day when I went in to see her I found her with her cheeks puffed out like a squirrel. Her skin was ashen and she looked awful.

What's the matter? I asked.

She grimaced. Gum mutilation, she said, with her lips pursed.

Later, when she could speak more clearly, she told me how it had bothered her that the kind of pain I must have endured during circ.u.mcision was a pain she could hardly imagine; and so, having been told by her dentist that she had several pockets of gum disease, in an otherwise healthy mouth, she'd had her gums turned down like socks around her teeth, their edges clipped and insides sc.r.a.ped, and then sewed up again, tight, around the roots of her teeth.

I could not prevent an involuntary shudder of disgust.

But of course I had anesthesia, she said, still speaking as if her gums were st.i.tched. And of course in a few days I'll be better than before.

But you are obviously in pain now, I said.

Yes, she admitted. And it is nearly impossible for me to bear it, and also talk. Not surprisingly, making love to anyone at all is the furthest thing from my mind. She laughed. And this is only in my mouth!

You shouldn't have done it, I said coldly. It was stupid of you.

But she only chuckled, grimacing painfully as she did so. Don't be mad because my choosing this kind of pain seems such a puny effort, she said. In America it's the best I can do. Besides, it gives me a faint idea. And it was something I needed to do anyway.

I was angry because I was touched. I realized that though Raye had left Africa hundreds of years before in the persons of her ancestors and studied at the best of the white man's schools, she was intuitively practicing an ageless magic, the foundation of which was the ritualization, or the acting out, of empathy. How theatre was born? My psychologist was a witch, not the warty kind American children imitate on Halloween, but a spiritual descendant of the ancient healers who taught our witch doctors and were famous for their compa.s.sionate skill. Suddenly, in that guise, Raye became someone I felt I knew; someone with whom I could bond.

In my heart I thanked Mzee for her, for I believed she would be plucky enough to accompany me where he could not. And that she would.

PIERRE.

IT WAS A RAINY DECEMBER AFTERNOON and we sat by the fire, reading. My mother sat; I lounged on the sofa across from her. Earlier that morning she had permitted me to sleep late, missing school, and had brought her gifts to me and spread them across the foot of my bed. Each year since my birth she'd knitted me a sweater. Each year I watched the piece of knitting grow between her flas.h.i.+ng needles; each year I was charmed by the result. This year, as every year, she'd outdone herself. The new sweater wrapped me in gold and chocolate; near the center of my chest, just above my heart, there was a petroglyphic spirit head in a rich, mossy green.

I was reading a book by Langston Hughes, the laughing spellbinder whose sadness almost hid itself in the insouciance of his prose. I had already devoured several novels by James Baldwin, the guerrilla h.o.m.os.e.xual genius whom I had met once when he came to speak at our school, and two volumes of essays by Richard Wright, the tortured a.s.similationist and great lover of France. These men, "uncles" from my father's side, would be my guides on my American journey. I glanced over at my mother, expecting to find her still reading, or staring thoughtfully into the fire, but finding instead that her warm brown eyes were fixed on me.

I was just thinking, she said. It has been sixteen years since you were born. I can't believe it.

That long? I said, smiling at her.

Her brown hair was dusted with more gray than I'd noticed before, and her face seemed thinner than usual, and more pale. I sighed with the contentment of the spoiled only child, and pondered my good fortune. I felt the greatest possible security with my mother. As she often said, our hearts had beat as one since before my birth. No matter who else was not in my life, there was always my mother: reading, knitting, preparing for her cla.s.ses at the lycee. It was true that I was beginning to feel ready to separate from her, but gently, as a fruit drops from the tree. One more year of school, of Paris, and I would be gone.

If you go to America, she said-as if I might not after all our years of planning-and spend time with your father, there's something you should know.

What? I asked.

Something minor, perhaps. But he won't remember it. And I do.

How mysterious, I said.

Not so mysterious! she said. It's just that I've realized with your father that men refuse to remember things that don't happen to them.

Full of the pa.s.sionate words of Baldwin, Hughes and Wright, which rang in my heart as if already inscribed there, I leaned forward to protest. My mother put out her hand and covered my lips.

For as long as I could remember, my father came to see me and my mother once in fall and once in spring; for two weeks each visit. He never came on my birthday, because coming at that time seriously distressed his wife. Each time he came he showed me photographs of his other son, Benny, and at least one photograph of his wife, Evelyn, or, as he sometimes called her, Tas.h.i.+. Benny was nearly three years older than me, with bronze satiny skin and a sweet, tentative smile. Whenever I saw a new photo of him I wondered if he'd like me. If we could ever be friends. Once, my father told me that Benny wasn't as "quick" as I. This pleased me enormously, though I hadn't the words to ask him what a lack of "quickness" like mine might mean.

My mother began to tell me the story of how she met my father, years ago in Africa. I'd heard it before. I nodded complacently as she talked about the hours she spent with my father in Old Torabe's hut, as the old man waited for death. But I soon realized my mother was adding a more adult twist than usual to the tale.

You have to understand, she said, there was a reason why Old Torabe lived alone, way outside the village, and why none of the villagers came to care for him. Your father certainly didn't enjoy caring for him, either; your grandfather Samuel a.s.signed Torabe to him.

My mother uncrossed her legs, pressed her palms against the arms of her chair in order to stretch her back and glanced from me to the fire, which would soon need another log.

In his youth Torabe had had many wives. A few of them died. In childbirth. From infection. One died from snakebite. In any event-and I learned this from Adam, who liked to recount the old man's, as he called them, "negative blessings"-at last Torabe married a young woman who ran away from him, and could not be brought back. He'd been notorious for tracking and bringing back his runaway wives before. This one drowned herself, in water that didn't even reach her knees, rather than return.

She'd gone to her parents and asked them how they expected her to endure the torture: he had cut her open with a hunting knife on their wedding night, and gave her no opportunity to heal. She hated him. Her parents had no answer for her. Her father instructed her mother to convince her of her duty. Because she was Torabe's wife, her place was with him, her mother told her. The young woman explained that she bled. Her mother told her it would stop: that when she herself was cut open she bled for a year. She had also cried and run away. Never had she gotten beyond the territory of men who returned her to her tribe. She had given up, and endured. Now her mother stood in the shadow of the girl's father, a man she despised, waiting for death, but, in the meantime, longing for grandchildren, which she hoped this errant daughter would provide. There is nothing in the world to kiss but small children, said the mother, turning away from her daughter's tears.

Torabe was thrown out of the village because he lost control of his wife, a very evil thing to do in that society because it threatened the fabric of the web of life. At least the web of life as the villagers knew it. He died deserted, filthy and in tatters. The girl's family too was ordered out of the village, and the girl herself was dragged from the river and left to rot, her body food for vultures and rodents.

Now, said my mother, rising to place a log on the fire, your father always mentions the fact that he and I had "lively" conversation there in Torabe's hut, as he reluctantly washed the old man, but he never remembers what our conversation was about.

It was, said my mother, about a young woman in Algeria who worked for us, and who nearly suffered the same fate as Torabe's wife. It was about how, at last, I recognized the connection between mutilation and enslavement that is at the root of the domination of women in the world. Her name was Ayisha, and she ran to us one night screaming from the sight of the variety of small, sharp instruments her anxious mother had arranged underneath a napkin on a low seating cus.h.i.+on that rested beside the bridal bed.

My mother suddenly shuddered, as though watching a frightful scene. It's in all the movies that terrorize women, she said, only masked. The man who breaks in. The man with the knife. Well, she said, he has already come. She sighed. But those of us whose chast.i.ty belt was made of leather, or of silk and diamonds, or of fear and not of our own flesh... we worry. We are the perfect audience mesmerized by our unconscious knowledge of what men, with the collaboration of our mothers, do to us.

After a long pause she said: This episode with Ayisha, who was returned to her family, who beat her for running away-and actually we never knew what became of her-is at the root of my refusal to marry; even though in France there are no instruments of torture beside the bed.

And the Marquis de Sade? I asked.

Thankfully only one man, she said, and thankfully not in this century. She laughed. And thankfully not beside my bed.

Perhaps, I said. But surely his cruelty to women is lodged in the collective consciousness of the French? Like the zest of Rabelais, the wit of Moliere?

Perhaps, she murmured, and seemed to lose herself gazing into the fire.

PART NINE.