How to Ruin Series Part 175

"Like an old lady." Her wrinkled, frail hand reaches out and fingers the tiny Jewish star diamond pendant around my neck. She gave it to me last summer during my visit. "I'm so happy you're wearing it."

"I wear it every day. It reminds me of you."

She smiles that sweet grandma smile that makes me feel like everything in my life will be okay. "Are you having a nice vacation?"

"Well, being on the army base hasn't been much of a vacation. Avi's my unit leader," I say, gesturing to Avi over by the window.

"Avi, come closer. I can't see you all the way over there," Safta says, waving him over. "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

Avi kisses my safta on the cheek. He's known her since he was born. Last night he told me she's like a second grandmother to him. "Mah nishmah? -How are you?"

"Beseder-I'm fine. I got a little dizzy. I wish my children wouldn't declare it a national emergency."

"Ima, stop talking nonsense," my dad interrupts her as he comes into the room.

"You were unconscious when Yucky found you. Don't brush it off as if nothing happened."

She shoos my dad away. "Go eat something in the cafeteria, Ron, and leave me alone with the young teenagers here."

My dad starts to protest, but gives up when she raises her eyebrows and makes another "go away" hand gesture.

Ooh, I can just imagine her staring at him with raised eyebrows when he was a kid. My dad is a total guys' guy - muscular, masculine, and full of testosterone. Knowing that his frail old mom can make him back off with a raised eyebrow and a hand gesture amuses me to no end.

Once my dad is out of sight, Safta turns to Avi. "Is my granddaughter a good soldier?"

Yeah, umm ... no need to let my sweet, old, sick grandmother know I suck at being a soldier. I mean, seriously, the woman dressed as a boy to fight on the front lines.

Knowing that her own flesh and blood can't even scale a wall or aim a gun without having a few stray bullets. .h.i.t other people's targets could kill her. I take Safta's hand and pat it. "Why don't we talk about something else?" Preferably a topic that doesn't have to do with what a spaz I really am.

"She's definitely challenging herself,"

Avi says to Safta. "Right, Amy?"

"I shot an M16," I say, but don't tell her I hit other people's targets more often than my own.

"I did the obstacle course," I continue, but don't tell her I had to be escorted up the rope and had to step on people's backs during my first attempt on the monkey bars.

"I even picked bees out of the jam when I had kitchen duty." I don't mention the whole bee/Nathan/tongue incident, either.

She fingers the bandages on my arms.

"What happened to you?"

"Yeah, that. I went on a night run up a mountain. The mountain and I kinda got into a fight. The mountain won."

"That's not true," Avi tells her. "Amy won. She took a hard fall, but kept going."

I guess he's right. I'm still new at looking at things in a positive light.

Safta rubs her fingers over my fingernails, which are totally trashed from boot camp. "I'm so proud of you, Amy."

"Me, too," Avi adds.

"Avi needs to be back at the base tomorrow," I tell her. "He only got a forty- eight-hour leave."

"Aren't you still supposed to be there?"

"Yeah, but I'm not going back. I want to be here with you."

"For what?" my safta asks.

I don't want to say it. I can't talk about death with the person I'm afraid is dying.

"For you. What if, you know, you're really sick?"

"I'm not going to die so quickly, motek - sweetheart. But even if I did, I'd die happier knowing you're doing what you're supposed to do-live-instead of watching an old lady die." Safta, who seemed so weak a second ago, points her small finger at me. Her face gets stern and s.p.u.n.ky, and it's another glimpse into her life as a woman ready to fight for something she believes in. "You're Amy Nelson-Barak. Do you know what Barak means in Hebrew?"

I shake my head.

"It means 'lightning.' Amy, you're a true Barak, inside and out. You have a fighting spirit. No Barak is a quitter, you hear me?

Now, make me proud and go back to finish boot camp ... and be a Barak."

I think my safta can give Sergeant B-S a run for his money.

23.

Who knew the best times of your life can come out of the worst situations?

We stay at the hospital all day, waiting for test results. Her white blood cell counts were low, but rose as the day wore on.

Tomorrow, her doctor plans to do full scans to make sure her cancer hasn't spread, but my dad a.s.sures me her life isn't in immediate danger.

After we get back to the moshav and Doda Yucky makes dinner for us, I make the final decision to go back and complete boot camp. Soon I'm saying my goodbyes to my family while Avi says his goodbyes to his. Before my own family has time to miss me, I'll have graduated boot camp and be back on the moshav. Avi's family isn't so lucky. After my Sababa group graduates, Avi and the rest of the Sayeret Tzefa trainees are going to intense training at the Counter Terror School. The time with the Sababa group was supposed to be a relaxing break for them between parachuting and Counter Terror School.

Unfortunately for Avi, I don't think being with my unit has been relaxing.

"Be good," my dad says, bending down into the pa.s.senger side window to hug me as Avi climbs behind the wheel. "Avi, keep her safe."

"I will."

I know it's going to be a long drive, because the base is south of the Dead Sea.

The sun is setting when we reach Haifa, and we still have more than a few hours to go.

I talk to Avi about Miranda liking Nathan, but Nathan liking Tori ... and Tori not liking anyone. When I ask about Noah, Avi tells me that he's a good guy who really doesn't mind doing any of the jobs the army a.s.signs him.

"I've never seen Noah upset. Not even once," he tells me.

"When I first met Noah, I thought he'd be a good match for Miranda," I say. "Or maybe Nimrod would."

"Miranda isn't Nimrod's type."

I tsk. "What's that supposed to mean?

Just because she has a little extra padding doesn't mean-"

"Nimrod's gay."

"Gay? As in ... "

"He's got a boyfriend."

"Does he know that you know?"

"Everyone knows. He doesn't exactly keep it a secret. This is Israel. While we might not be the most tolerant people in the world, being gay here isn't a big deal.

Even in the military. Nimrod's a d.a.m.n good soldier, and we're lucky he's on our squad. He's practically fearless and makes me a better soldier."

"You make me a better soldier, Avi," I tell him. "I just wish I was a better friend to Miranda. I want her to be happy. Do you think setting her up with Noah would work?"

Avi takes my hand in his and kisses my palm. "Trying to make the world perfect again?"

"I'm good at doing it for other people. I seem to screw up my own life pretty good most of the time. I guess we all have our talents, don't we?"

He nods.

"Speaking of making life perfect, Avi.

Umm ... do you remember last summer when we pulled off to the side of the road?"

"Yeah. How could I forget?"

"Okay, so I know I'm a girl and shouldn't be asking this, but you only live once and life is short. Can we pull off the road? We're in the middle of a deserted road in the middle of nowhere, Israel."

Avi flashes me a shocked expression. "I thought you didn't want to have s.e.x until we were married."

"I'm not talking about s.e.x. I'm talking about kissing, and maybe a little body exploration ... " But as my voice trails off, I wonder what Avi has in mind. "Why? Do you want to have s.e.x?"

He nods. "I'm a guy, Amy. Of course I want to have s.e.x with my girlfriend."

"You do?"

"Oh, yeah," he says, his voice deep and s.e.xy.

My eyes graze over him, and now I know why being alone together brings us closer to dangerous territory. These are the times my dad and mom have warned me about, when my commitment to staying a virgin until I'm married is compromised by my raging teenage hormones.

"Don't look at me like that, Amy."

"Like what?"

"Like you're ready to be mischievous."

"What if I am?"

Avi rakes his hand over his head and moans. "I'm seriously one minute away from begging you to be mischievous with me."

"Well, now that my safta's okay, I want to think about you and me. And since you don't have to report back to base until tomorrow, and it's already late, maybe we can spend some alone time tonight. At a hotel."

"Really?"

"Let me weigh the options. Option 1: Go back to the base, not have a second of private time with you, get up at the crack of dawn, or Option 2: Private time alone with you. It's a no-brainer, Avi. I pick private time alone with you."

I think of Avi and me together ... all night ... in a hotel room. The word "perfection" doesn't do the fantasy justice.

"You're not still feeling super mischievous, are you?" he asks. "Because if you are, this probably i s n't the best idea."

I can't wait to spend all night, alone, with my boyfriend. "Trust me, Avi. It's a great idea. Seriously, when are we going to have the chance to be alone again?"

He picks up his cell, makes a reservation at a hotel, and starts driving.

Soon we arrive at a hotel on a kibbutz near Ein Gedi.

Avi pays for the room, signs papers, and gets a key from the girl at the front desk. I stand beside him, trying to act like getting a hotel room with my boyfriend is no biggie.

When in reality ...

It is a biggie. A real big biggie.

Avi takes our bags and I follow him to our room. It's at the end of an adorable little one-story brick building with bright purple and yellow flowers outlining the front sidewalk. Avi opens the door and we walk inside.

When the door clicks shut, the reality of being alone with Avi hits me. I'm with my boyfriend without any parental supervision. I'm almost a senior in high school, almost an adult ... in a year I'll be living on some college campus by myself, making decisions on my own.

I would never have put myself in the position of being alone with a boy in a hotel room if I didn't 100 percent trust him.

I know Avi won't force me to do anything I don't want to do. The problem lies with me: I don't know if I trust myself. I admit, when I look at Avi I want him; I want him to kiss me until I can't breathe and touch me until my body melts under his touch, and I want to feel every inch of him. Will I be able to stop myself?

There are two single beds on either side of the room. They're just simple foam- filled mattresses on wooden frames that don't look very comfortable (which my parents would probably think is a good thing).

"You seem nervous," he says as he puts our bags down by the little desk. There's a chill in the air, so Avi turns off the air conditioner.

"Why do you think I'm nervous?" I look at him and remember our talk in the car about him wanting to have s.e.x with me.