How to Ruin Series Part 51

I turn my head and try to say to him so only he can hear me above the blaring song, "Don't you want to kiss me?"

"Yeah. But not with a bunch of drunk kids watching us."

"Are you saying I'm a kid?"

Before he answers, I hear Roxanne's squeaky voice saying, "Hi, Amy. Hi, Nathan."

I look up. Roxanne is standing next to us, her fingers over her open mouth while she gasps. "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were Nathan."

I'm in trouble. Avi is expressionless, but his arm loosens from around my waist.

"Why would she think you were kissing Nathan?" he asks me.

I clear my throat. "I can explain."

Roxanne is still standing over us, a wicked smirk painted on her face. "Do you mind?"

Ignoring me, Roxanne holds out her hand. "I'm Roxanne."

"I'm Avi," he tells her in his slow, s.e.xy Israeli accent as he shakes her hand. I swear she turns her hand as if she expects him to kiss the back of it. "I'm Amy's boyfriend from Israel."

Roxanne bursts out laughing. "Oh, I heard about you. So glad you and Amy decided to see other people. You're such an understanding guy."

When he releases her hand, I wave my fingers at her and say, "Shoo, go away."

She's like an annoying gnat that I wish I could squash.

Roxanne moves away when Kyle walks in the room with a bottle of champagne.

"Did you kiss Nathan?" Avi asks.

Umm ... "No. Roxanne is the enemy, Avi. Don't listen to her. She just likes spreading lies about me."

He stands (I have to pretend not to have fallen off his lap) and walks over to Roxanne. She c.o.c.ks her head to the side and says, "Wanna play Spin the Bottle?

You can, you know, switch partners. Amy likes switching partners, right?"

I try pulling Avi's hand to make him leave the room, but he's planted where he is like a stubborn tree root.

"I don't like people spreading rumors about my girlfriend."

I pull his arm more. "Avi, let's just leave."

Roxanne laughs. "Rumors? Dude, you're the second guy she's been locking lips with this week. And speak of the devil. Hi, Nathan. We were just talking about you and Amy's hot show in the cafeteria."

Oh, man. I'm toast. I look at the door and see Miranda, Jess, and Nathan walking toward us.

The entire room is silent for the moment while the next CD is put into the slot.

"Hey," Jess says. "We finished with the scavenger hunt and wanted to see if you were still here."

Avi knows the truth. He saw the way Nathan and I looked at each other just now.

Is the guilt transparent in my eyes?

"You lied to me," he says.

Right in front of everyone he lets go of my hand and leaves me standing here in the middle of Kyle's party.

23.

It's not so easy to convert as one might think.

I still have to go before three respected Jewish community members called a "Bet Din" and take a verbal test. Rabbi Gla.s.sman told me not to stress over it; it's not like the SATs.

Life is full of little SAT tests, though, isn't it?

"You made an a.s.s out of me," he says after I catch up with him at the entrance to my building.

"Avi, I'm sorry. I didn't expect you to go up to Roxanne and get details."

He turns to me while we're in the elevator. "You looked me right in the eye and lied to me."

I put my hands up in surrender. "Okay, I admit it. I lied to you. Are you happy now?"

"Don't turn this around to make me the bad guy. Do you always go around kissing guys?" he asks when we reach my floor and step off the elevator. "Where's your loyalty and honor?"

I roll my eyes and say, "We're not in the army now, Avi."

"Maybe we should be."

"What's that supposed to mean?" When I open the door and walk inside my condo I turn to him, "Besides, where's your commitment?"

"Please, Amy. What would you know about commitment?"

I open my mouth wide in shock. "Screw you!" I yell, then go to my room and slam the door shut.

I can't remember how long it's been since I had a good cry. You know, one of those cries where you can't catch your breath and just when you think there can't possibly be any more tears coming out of your eyes, a new wave of desperation washes over you and you bawl all over again.

That's the way I'm crying right now. I feel so horrible I messed up with Avi. I feel so horrible that I want to figure out Nathan and what makes him the way he is.

Nathan told me I liked Avi because of his looks and warned me if he looked as good I'd be after him, too.

I'm a terrible person. It's not Avi's fault, either. It's mine.

Avi knocks on my door after about a while.

"What?"

"Open the door and let me in."

"You aren't allowed in my room, remember?"

He knocks again, louder. "Then just open the door."

When I do, I see that he's got his duffle slung over his shoulder. "What are you doing?"

"This isn't working. You and I both know it. I'm going to stay with Tarik over at the Northwestern dorms. You remember Tarik, don't you?"

"Yeah, but-"

"He'll be here soon. Listen, Amy ... you want to kiss other guys, that's cool. This thing between us wasn't going to last anyway."

"You told me not to wait. You wanted to be the non-boyfriend, remember?"

"What's in here," he says, pointing to his head, "and what's in here," he says, fist pounding on his heart, "are two different things."

I step forward and hold out my hand, wanting to ease his insecurity and the tension between us. "Avi ... come here."

Instead of stepping forward, he steps back and points to his head. "Gotta keep my mind clear," he says. "Remember what I told you about the mind games?"

"Yeah. They're worse than the torture."

"G.o.d, I can't tell you how many irrational things are running through my head right now. Kissing you until you can't think straight. Kicking that Nathan guy's a.s.s. Smas.h.i.+ng the wall with my fist because you've been looking at other guys."

"I told you I'm the Disaster Girl."

"No, Amy. You've got your life here.

Mine is in Israel or wherever the army sends me. It's the way it is; it's the way it was always meant to be. Who were we kidding, thinking this thing between us could work?"

I did, but I don't tell him. He's obviously given up the fight. "You're really leaving?"

"Tarik is probably downstairs waiting for me."

New tears start to come, d.a.m.n it. I will them to stop, but they won't. "I don't want you to go." I want to beg, plead, grab his leg and hang on until he agrees to stay ...

but I can't.

When he pets Mutt and walks to the door, I let him. And then I stay with him and walk outside where I recognize his friend Tarik in a car outside my building.

Tarik steps out of the car and gives me a small hug. "Hey, Amy," he says. "It's been a while, huh?"

I wipe my nose and watery eyes with my sleeve. "How's school?" I ask.

"Tough, but I'm getting used to it." Tarik looks from me (obviously overwrought and devastated) to stone-faced Avi. "Um ...

you want me to get involved in this?"

"No," Avi says emphatically, while I tilt my head to the side and contemplate asking for intervention. Maybe what Avi and I need is third-party arbitration. I learned about arbitration in my social studies cla.s.s last week and the magic of an unbiased party deciding your fate.

"Well, then ... I guess I'll leave you two to say your goodbyes." Tarik heads back to the driver's side, but calls over his shoulder, "If you need me, just give a holler."

I'm tempted to holler.

Avi tosses his duffle into the back seat of Tarik's car, then turns to me. "I'll call you before I leave Chicago."

"I wanted to take you to the top of the Sears Tower. Every tourist has to go there."

"I'll go on my own."

"And what about Oz Park? Did you know the guy who wrote The Wizard of Oz lived here?"

"I'll figure it out."

"But what if you don't, Avi? What if you go back to Israel without seeing what Chicago has to offer?"

Avi cups my cheek with his palm. "It doesn't all have to be perfect. Life isn't perfect."

"I want it to be."

His thumb slowly caresses my face. "I know. It's what makes you unique." He squeezes his eyes shut, then says, "I gotta go before I do something stupid."

I watch as he sits in the pa.s.senger seat, says something to Tarik, and the car drives off.

After he leaves me alone, crying, and devastated, I want to kneel right here and start bawling all over again.

"You're not crying over that guy, are you?" I hear Nathan's voice behind me.

I face him and squint my eyes accusingly. "Have you been spying on me this whole time?"

"Nope. Why, was it a good breakup?

'Cause if it was, I'm sorry I missed it."

I walk up to Nathan, take my finger, and poke it into his chest. "You are the rudest, m o s t self-centered, dragon-eyed, inconsiderate, egotistical ... " I'm racking my brain to think of more words when Nathan takes my finger into his hand and stops me from poking him again.

Nathan's touch doesn't affect me like Avi's does. And for the first time it's clear Nathan isn't "The One" and never has been. I have a connection to him, but it's oh, so different than the connection I have with Avi.

I'm too weak to do anything else but slump my shoulders and cry. The pain is too great, like someone is ripping open my heart and squeezing it tight. My knees start to buckle and Nathan catches me.

"You really are upset, aren't you?" he says, staring at me with his eyebrows down and furrowed in sympathy. I've never seen Nathan have sympathy for anyone, especially me.