The Funny Philosophers Part 29

"And I want a nice new doll," said a female cherub.

"Hush, you noisy brats!" said the angel. And she slapped the male cherub on the side of the face, and in the operation overturned her cup, and spilt the hot coffee on the female cherub's head. The two cherubs tried the strength of their lungs; and Simon Rump arose from the table, and, putting on his hat, opened the door to go forth and talk with his lawyer about the big case.

The angel followed Simon to the porch and said,--

"Thirty thousand dollars! Oh, my! But how much are you to pay Mr. Pate?"

"One-tenth," said Simon.

"How much is that?" asked the mother of the cherubs.

"Three thousand dollars," said Simon.

"Three thousand dollars! Gracious! That is a heap of money to pay a lawyer for talking to a jury for an hour."

"But Mr. Pate has to read all those big books. It would take me ten years to read all those books; and then I would not understand what is in them," said Simon, scratching his head.

"Three thousand dollars! How much will we have left?"

"Twenty-seven thousand dollars," said Simon.

"Twenty-seven thousand dollars! That is a heap of money! I must have a brand-new carriage with eagles painted on its sides. I don't like to ride to church on horseback."

"Before we were married I used to like to see you coming to church on horseback," said Simon.

The mother of the cherubs bestowed a connubial kiss on Simon, who went from his gate merrily whistling, as any man might who had an angel and seven sweet little cherubs dwelling in his domicile, and expected soon to get twenty-seven thousand dollars from a wealthy corporation.

Toney Belton had been occupied since his return to Mapleton in preparation for the proper presentation of his case to the jury. His distinguished adversary had composed a great speech to be delivered on the occasion. Pate had determined to operate on the feelings and prejudices of the jury, and thus obtain a verdict for the thirty thousand dollars which he had confidently promised to his client Simon Rump.

On the morning of the day on which the jury were to a.s.semble on the ground, Tom Seddon and the Professor arrived in the cars from Bella Vista. The jury were conveyed to the ground in an omnibus in charge of the sheriff. M. T. Pate arrived on Old Whitey, and, dismounting, tied his steed to a tree, which the animal immediately commenced divesting of its bark.

The twelve peers deliberately walked over the ground, and having carefully examined that portion of it through which the ca.n.a.l was to be constructed, seated themselves on two benches, which had been prepared for their accommodation, under the shade of a spreading beech. Simon Rump's counsel was then informed that the jury were ready to hear his argument.

"Pate is going to make a great speech," said Tom Seddon, as Pate drew from his pocket a number of papers and laid them on a stump which he used as a table. "With that black coat and white cravat he looks very much like the picture of old John Bunyan in the Pilgrim's Progress."

"John Banyan was an eloquent man," said the Professor. "And from the very profound and extremely solemn look of the advocate now preparing to address the jury, I expect to listen to eloquence of the highest order.

Be ready with your handkerchief, Mr. Seddon, for or some burst of pathos may find you wholly unprepared for the flood of tears which you will be compelled to shed over the wrongs of Simon Rump."

"Hus.h.!.+" said Tom Seddon, "Pate is wiping the top of his big bald head with his handkerchief. He is about to begin."

"Mr. Seddon," said the Professor, "must I continually admonish you to speak reverently of bald heads? Remember the she-bears!"

"Hus.h.!.+" said Tom,--"listen!"

M. T. Pate spoke as follows:

"Gentlemen of the jury,--No more important case than this ever came before a jury either of ancient or modern times. An outrage unparalleled in the whole history of Christian jurisprudence is about to be perpetrated upon my law-abiding, inoffensive, and patriotic client, Simon Rump. And by whom? By a powerful, an overgrown, a gigantic corporation! And, gentlemen, what is a corporation? It is defined by the great Judge Marshall to be 'an artificial being, invisible, intangible, and existing only in contemplation of law.' In addition to this, I a.s.sert, that these corporations have neither souls to be saved nor bodies to be d.a.m.ned. Gentlemen, we read of no such thing in the Bible as a corporation. I have carefully searched the five books of Moses, from Genesis to Deuteronomy, and I cannot find that G.o.d's chosen patriarchs, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, or Noah, ever chartered a single corporation.

Neither do we find that such monopolies were ever tolerated by David or Solomon, or any of the kings or judges of Israel. And I challenge my learned brother on the other side to produce from the whole of the New Testament one single text in favor of corporations. Have I not, then, a right to a.s.sert that these soulless corporations are not sanctioned by the Christian religion, but are of heathen invention?

"Gentlemen, is it necessary for me to tell you who is the plaintiff in this cause? Is there an individual now within the sound of my voice who has not known and loved the name of Rump since the days of his boyhood?

Simon now lives upon the very spot where he was born, and where the bones of his ancestors are buried. Few men can boast of so glorious a lineage. His forefathers fought against the Frenchmen, the Indians, and the British; and had Simon lived in those days, he would have fought as valiantly as they did; for he is a worthy descendant of ill.u.s.trious sires.

"Gentlemen, if you have tears to shed, prepare to shed them now. A few weeks ago a worthy farmer of your county, upon a bright, warm summer's day, was seated by his own cheerful fire, with his venerable wife and innocent little ones playing around him. There he sat with his head proudly erect, for he knew that no mortal man could take from him one foot of that sacred soil without his own free consent. But what it was out of the power of mortal man to do he learned could be done by a soulless corporation. Imagine the feelings of Simon Rump then, and imagine the feelings of Simon Rump now. Imagine the feelings of Simon Rump's venerable wife then, and imagine the feelings of Simon Rump's venerable wife now. Imagine the feelings of Simon Rump's innocent little ones then, and imagine the feelings of Simon Rump's innocent little ones now.

"But, gentlemen, Simon Rump is not the only man, nor is Mrs. Rump the only woman, nor are the innocent little Rumps the only children who will be made to suffer from the outrage of this heathen defendant. A whole community will be divided in twain. Permit this ca.n.a.l to be dug, and will not your county be virtually divided as if into two separate kingdoms? It is to be forty feet wide and six feet deep, and not one word is said about bridges over it. What will be the consequences? Will there not be a separation of friends and relatives; and what money can compensate for that?

"Gentlemen of the jury, in behalf of Simon Rump; in behalf of Simon Rump's venerable wife; in behalf of Simon Rump's innocent little ones; in behalf of Simon Rump's friends and Simon Rump's neighbors; and in behalf of an insulted and outraged community, I appeal to you by your love of right and your abhorrence of wrong, and by your devotion to your country, and your pride for your country, to inflict upon this soulless, tyrannical, and heathen defendant such a tremendous verdict as will ever hereafter operate as a s.h.i.+eld to the weak and a warning to the proud."

"What do you think of that?" said Tom Seddon to the Professor when Pate had concluded.

"Mr. Seddon, you might live longer than an antediluvian and never hear such a speech again," said the Professor, with impressive solemnity.

"Toney will find it difficult to make a reply," said Tom.

"Toney looks serious," said the Professor. "He seems to be aware that he has to surmount huge difficulties, and is going to work with due deliberation."

"What a grave aspect he has a.s.sumed as he now rises before the jury!"

said Tom. "One might suppose that, instead of answering Pate's speech, he was about to deliver a funeral oration over his dead body."

Toney Belton now spoke as follows:

"Gentlemen of the jury,--While listening with the most profound attention and admiration to the solemn and powerful appeal just made by my learned and eloquent brother; and while beholding, at the same time, the evident wonder thereby created among this large and respectable a.s.semblage, I was reminded of what is written in the fourth chapter of the First Book of Kings,--'And there came of all people to hear the wisdom of Solomon.'

"Gentlemen, I shall not even attempt to reply to all the arguments advanced to you by my learned brother. I have too much respect for Simon Rump's venerable wife, and Simon Rump's innocent little ones, and for the bones of Simon Rump's buried ancestors, to say one word in disparagement of any of the aforesaid individuals.

"But there are other portions of my brother's argument which I must notice, for I fear that they were calculated to produce a powerful effect upon a jury of humane and benevolent men.

"The learned counsel tells us that this county is to be divided into two separate kingdoms, as distinct from each other as if an impa.s.sable gulf had suddenly opened between them. He informs us that such must be the inevitable result of the construction of this ca.n.a.l. As he alluded to the heart-rending scenes about to ensue from this separation, the description was so graphic that the picture became visible, not only to the imagination, but almost to the naked eye.

"Behold the ca.n.a.l already dug not less than forty feet wide and six feet deep! On either side are a.s.sembled groups of men, women, and children; for the locks are about to be opened and the waters to rush in. Tears are standing in their eyes, and their sighs and lamentations burden the air. On the east side of the ca.n.a.l is the fond father, and on the west his favorite son. On the east side of the ca.n.a.l is the anxious mother, and on the west her prettiest daughter. On the east side of the ca.n.a.l is the pensive maiden, and on the west her lover 'sighing like a furnace.'

There they stand about to part forever! For the lock has been opened above, and the water is now rus.h.i.+ng into the ca.n.a.l. The moment of separation is at hand, and they are about to part never to meet again beneath the skies!

"Instinctively each one of these disconsolates stretches forth the right hand to take a last embrace of a parent, child, brother, sister, mistress, or lover! But even this small consolation is denied; for, behold, the water is already forty feet wide, and nearly six feet deep!

Then there are groans, and moans, and loud lamentations; and tears gush forth, falling like a summer's shower into the dividing waters. There is cast from each face one last, long, agonizing look; and those broken-hearted friends and relatives depart to their respective homes, to meet no more until they meet in heaven, and to smile no more on earth.

"But hark! what sudden, horrid shriek is that? It comes from the Rumps!

Oh, mercy dispel Yon sight that it freezes my spirit to tell!

One of the little Rumps has been left on the other side of the ca.n.a.l!

"Gentlemen of the jury, my feelings so overcome me that I can proceed no further, and must therefore submit the rights of my heathen client solely to your Christian mercy."

The effect produced by Tony Belton's speech was extraordinary. Shouts of laughter burst from the spectators and the jury. Indeed, some of the latter were so overcome with merriment that they rolled from their benches upon the gra.s.s; the tears streaming from their eyes, and their whole frames apparently convulsed with laughter.

"Where is Mr. Pate?" cried Simon Rump, when the tumult had, in some degree, subsided. "Mr. Pate! Mr. Pate! Where is Mr. Pate?"