The Funny Philosophers Part 43

"The black woman whom Simon Rump kissed!" screamed Mrs. Smart.

"The miserable dog!" cried Mrs. Cross.

"The cook," said Mrs. Tongue, "was at my house about half an hour ago, and told me----"

"What? What? What? What?" exclaimed four female voices simultaneously.

"That Mr. Pate rode up to the Widow Wild's house, on yesterday morning, and, dismounting, pulled the bell at the front door. The widow opened the door herself, and received Mr. Pate with much cordiality. Having invited him in, she introduced him to her daughter and niece; and he and the three ladies soon got to be so sociable that they sat down to a game of whist. Time pa.s.sed pleasantly and rapidly until dinner was announced.

After dinner the widow proposed a game of blind-man's-buff; and the three ladies and Pate began the game with much merriment. It came to the lawyer's turn to be blinded; and, as soon as the handkerchief was over his eyes, the widow rang a bell and her two big negro men, Juba and Jugurtha, rushed into the room and caught Pate, and Juba held him while Jugurtha smeared tar over his head and face. The widow then took a basket of black wool, and stuck the wool all over his head, and put some big bunches on his checks, so as to look like very large whiskers. The lawyer cried like a child and begged for mercy; but the widow laughed immoderately while she was decorating him with the wool. When released, the lawyer fled to the door, and there stood his horse in much the same condition as himself. He mounted and rode wildly away; the widow calling after him, 'Mr. Pate! Mr. Pate! be sure to come back and get your money to-morrow!'"

"Did you ever hear the like?" said Mrs. Foot.

"Never!" exclaimed Mrs. Cross.

"No; never!" cried Mrs. Hobbs.

"And so Mr. Pate was the man on the Woolly Horse!" screamed Mrs. Smart.

"Hus.h.!.+" exclaimed Cleopatra, who was sitting at a window. "Here is Mr.

Love."

"Hus.h.!.+" said Theodosia, "Here is Mr. Dove."

"Hus.h.!.+" said Sophonisba. "Here is Mr. Bliss."

"They are Mr. Pate's particular friends," said Mrs. Foot. "It will not do to say anything about him before them,--it might hurt their feelings.

Let us talk about something else."

The three little men now entered the room, and Toney and the Professor arose, and, bowing to the ladies, withdrew. They walked together until they reached Toney's office, when the Professor said, "Well, Toney, I can now face the five respectable maiden ladies without trepidation.

Eureka! eureka! Good-by, old fellow."

"Good-by," said Toney, laughing. And he entered his office, while the Professor proceeded with rapid strides towards his boarding-house.

CHAPTER x.x.xII.

Circ.u.mstantial evidence seemed to corroborate the extraordinary statement of Mrs. Tongue, recorded in the preceding chapter. It was now recollected that no other horse and rider had been observed to come from the direction of the Widow Wild's mansion during the day on which it was known that the lawyer had gone thither to see that eccentric lady in reference to Clement's claim. For about a week subsequent M. T. Pate was said to be confined to his house by sickness; and when his friends called to inquire after his health, they were told by his housekeeper that he declined to receive any visitors. When he again appeared in public it was noticed that he traveled as a pedestrian; and several youths, curious to know what had become of old Whitey, having clandestinely visited the stable which he had always occupied, upon peeping through a crevice in the door were astonished at beholding in a stall a horse which was as hairless as a Chinese dog of the edible species. They promulgated the opinion that old Whitey had been subjected to a tonsorial operation, and that his hair had been closely shaven off by a razor or some other sharp instrument. Another link in the chain of circ.u.mstances was the fact that M. T. Pate now wore a wig; and calling at the house of Mrs. Hobbs on a certain afternoon, a little daughter of that lady ran into the room and was taken by the lawyer on his lap. The innocent child playfully caught hold of Pate's locks, and screamed with horror at beholding the top of his head coming off. The child was carried out, vociferously shrieking, and from that day would never venture in the room when the lawyer visited the house. Although Pate quickly replaced his wig, the observant Mrs. Hobbs had discovered the entire nudity of his noddle; and, with all convenient speed, repairing to the house of Mrs. Foot, gave a detailed account of the catastrophe which had so frightened her little daughter; emphatically a.s.serting that all the hair which once grew on the sides of Mr. Pate's head had mysteriously disappeared, and that his head, deprived of the wig, was as smooth and depilous as a pumpkin.

Notwithstanding the strange rumors in relation to his ride on the Woolly Horse, the manners of Mr. Pate in the presence of the gentler s.e.x were so bland and fascinating that he soon recovered his popularity in the social circle. The wig, which he now wore, had greatly improved his personal appearance, and transformed him into quite a handsome man. In a few weeks the excitement produced by the startling apparition of the bare-headed rider on the Woolly Horse had subsided, and other subjects occupied the public mind. Old Whitey was still invisible, but Pate moved about on foot, and was frequently seen escorting the young ladies of the town, on their promenades, and to social parties and places of amus.e.m.e.nt.

On a bright Sabbath morning Toney walked with the Professor to the fine old church, which had been built in colonial times, on the suburbs of the town. The pastor failed to appear; but M. T. Pate ascended the pulpit and read the usual prayers, together with several chapters from the Bible, and gave out the first and fourth verses of Part 13 of the ninety-seventh selection of Psalms. When Pate joined in the exercises with his loud ba.s.s voice, the singing was very interesting and impressive; especially when they came to the last two lines.

After the services were concluded, he came down into the aisle, and gradually made his way to the door, surrounded by the female portion of the congregation. He seemed to be endeavoring to talk to more than a dozen ladies at the same time, and each of them appeared anxious to get nearest to his honored person. His manner in the pulpit had been most solemn and impressive; but now he had put off his clerical gravity, and was exceedingly merry and gallant; while his little pleasantries were delivered

"In such apt and gracious words That aged ears play truant at his tales, And younger hearings are quite ravished; So sweet and voluble is his discourse."

But it was quite evident that he gave a decided preference to the younger and prettier portion of this circle of his female admirers. He was soon seen to march off with a nice young lady hanging on his arm.

"Who is that beautiful girl whom the parson's proxy has captured and is carrying off?" said the Professor to Toney.

"It is Miss Juliet Singleton, the daughter of the wealthy old gentleman who lives in the rural retreat on the top of yonder hill."

"There is a young gentleman standing with his arms folded and his back against a tree, who does not seem to have much of the milk of human kindness in his bosom just at this moment," said the Professor, pointing to a stalwart young man, who was gazing at Pate and his fair companion with eyes in which indignation was plainly expressed.

"It is Juliet's discarded lover," said Toney, "and, by a singular coincidence, his name is Romeo."

"A discarded lover is usually of a very ferocious disposition."

"Especially when he sees his rival walk off with the object of his affections."

"I know of no more savage animal, unless it be a man with the toothache.

If I were walking in Mr. Pate's boots I would not like to meet that Romeo,--what's his cognomen?"

"Lawton."

"I would not like to meet Lawton in a lonely place upon my return from Juliet's abode. After beholding the menacing aspect of Romeo's visage, I think it highly probable that I shall, to-night, dream of M. T. Pate wending his way homeward with a pair of black eyes. How did it happen that Pate succeeded in stealing the affections of Juliet from that young man, who must be very handsome when he is not so diabolically ferocious?"

"Immediately subsequent to Pate's return from Bella Vista he discovered that Romeo was visiting Juliet----"

"With the obsolete idea of connubial felicity in his head, I suppose?"

"Juliet seemed to dote on her adorer. Love and Dove had serenaded her in vain. Bliss had visited her, but she regarded him not. It was therefore a matter of astonishment to all the gossips, male and female, when they learned that, in a few weeks after M. T. Pate became acquainted with her, Romeo was a discarded lover."

"Poor Romeo! He had a perception of the miraculous power of superior genius. What are Pate's intentions? Does he propose to lead the young lady to the hymeneal altar?"

"Of course not. He is the founder of the Mystic Order of Seven Sweethearts, and is merely performing his duty. His object is to prevent a marriage."

"I must consult the five respectable maiden ladies in relation to this peculiar case," said the Professor. And bidding Toney good-morning, he walked towards his boarding-house.

During the above conversation, Pate was escorting the beautiful Juliet to her abode. His attentions to this young lady were extraordinary.

Every evening he was seated by her side. In the mornings they would take long and romantic walks to gather wild flowers in the forest; and in the afternoons they had many pleasant drives in his buggy; he having purchased a magnificent gray horse as a subst.i.tute for the invisible Whitey.

He soon discovered that the young lady was exceedingly sentimental, and liked to listen to conversations in which love was the prominent topic.

So he adopted a euphuistic style of speech, and became a successful imitator of Sir Piercie Shafton. He would address her as his adorable perfection; would sometimes lift her fair fingers to his lips; and, occasionally, in a sort of rehearsal, would go down on his knees and show her how love ought to be made. On one occasion the Irish servant found Pate in this att.i.tude in the parlor, and hastily retreated, believing that he was making a proposal of marriage. She told her master that Miss Juliet was seated in a rocking-chair, and that Pate was kneeling before her, and praying to her as if she was the Blessed Virgin, and that she had heard him ask Juliet if she had no heart "at all, at all." The old gentleman was wonderfully pleased, when he received this information, at the prospect of soon having so accomplished a son-in-law. Pate inserted many pretty verses, which had been written for him by a young poet, in the lady's alb.u.m; and on one occasion, when he was absent from home, wrote her a number of sentimental letters, in one of which he spoke of the promise which he had made to her, and which he would never forget. On the seal, which he had used, were engraved the figures of two doves putting their bills together, as if in the act of exchanging a connubial kiss. In fact, so a.s.siduous were his intentions, and so numerous his rehearsals of courts.h.i.+p, that the simple-minded girl actually believed that he had made her a promise of marriage, and that he was the man who had been predestined, from the beginning of the world, to be her wedded lord.

There was a sweet, sequestered spot near her father's mansion, where a number of trees threw a delightful shade over a bubbling fountain. Under the trees was a rustic bench; and this was a favorite resort of the fair Juliet, where she was often found by Pate sitting in the moonlight, and, usually, in a very sentimental mood. One evening, just after twilight, she not being at the house, he proceeded to the fountain, and discovered her sitting on the rustic seat. She seemed pensive, and, when he spoke to her, only answered with a deep sigh. He seated himself by her side and inquired into the cause of her melancholy; but there was no response. He took her left hand in his and lifted it to his lips. As with tender devotion he was about to imprint an impa.s.sioned kiss, she drew suddenly back, and dealt him a powerful blow, with her right fist, under the eye, which knocked him from his seat, and he fell on the ground. She then sprang to her feet, and, drawing a bludgeon from beneath her garments, commenced beating him cruelly, regardless of his cries for mercy, until, at last, he was stunned by the shower of blows which descended in rapid succession, and lay senseless on the earth.

CHAPTER x.x.xIII.