The Life of a Celebrated Buccaneer Part 17

The captain of the watch demurred to this, saying it would be a most unconst.i.tutional thing, and he contended that to raise so ordinary a personage as Jack Commonsense from a position that was humble to one that was exalted, and make all at once an officer of State of him, would be fraught with extreme danger. In all probability everybody would resign, for such an honest, straightforward fellow as the c.o.x'sn was, would be sure to rub the whole crew up the wrong way, which everyone knew was a most dangerous thing to do; putting the fat in every way upon the fire. He plainly intimated that to promote Jack Commonsense would probably bring about discord, which might end even in revolution.

"Heaven only knows, sir!" he exclaimed, "we have wrangling enough as it is on board the old s.h.i.+p."

The Buccaneer thought the matter over, and said that he was considerably disappointed, as he felt sure that Jack would not disgrace himself at the council board. A thought seemed suddenly to strike him. "As you will not have him here, Master Dogvane, I will make a bishop of him. His presence on board the old Church Hulk will be an advantage to every one, more especially in these critical times." He at once hailed the old s.h.i.+p alongside, and expressed his wishes. There was a solemn conclave at once held, and all the divines who were conspicuous for their learning and piety were called together to consider so grave a matter, and after a careful discussion, which lasted many hours, they arrived at the conclusion that the old c.o.x'sn could not on any account be made a bishop or given even a place of any importance on board the Church Hulk. They intimated that it would be more in keeping with a modest demeanour if he contented himself with his present lot in life, and they pointed out that pride which had turned satan himself out of Heaven was altogether to be condemned. Besides, they said, they feared that if they gave the old c.o.x'sn a permanent place on board their s.h.i.+p he would in time undermine the whole of their authority, and bring down the sacred edifice about their ears, and that the High Priest and other ecclesiastical dignitaries would be buried in the ruins, and forever lost to the cause of religion. The members of the Solemn Conclave admitted that Jack Commonsense was an inestimable and even religious fellow, and that in the Buccaneer's realms he had n.o.bly done his duty; but as virtue was at all times its own reward, the old c.o.x'sn could not want any further recompense. Besides, they added, he had received no ecclesiastical education; knew little or nothing of the Levitical Law, or of the Fathers of Theology, and could not therefore be expected to wrestle against the Devil's first lieutenant, Heresy.

Thus poor old Jack's doom was sealed; but when he heard that neither s.h.i.+p would have him at any price he was not down-hearted, but went on his quiet way as before; giving himself neither airs nor graces like so many people do. Old Jack was not one of those ambitious, self-confident, self-seeking fellows whose only virtue is unbounded impudence, and who are forever thrusting themselves forward, not caring two straws who falls, or who is thrust to the wall, so long as they can struggle and keep to the front; holding up before the eyes of the people their farthing dip, and swearing its light is equal to ever so many candles, or even oil lamps.

"Well," said old Jack, as he trudged away, "if I do not rise, neither shall I fall. Let those who like soar up on the b.u.t.terfly wings of ambition, I'll have none of it myself. Sooner or later old Dame Fortune turns round her wheel and up comes her eldest daughter and pins your b.u.t.terfly to the earth with the sharp-pointed pin of adversity. Then where are you?"

CHAPTER x.x.xIII.

So far so well. The storm had been avoided. The cook and burly butcher bowed their heads humbly before their captain; for no matter where he led they were prepared to follow. Some said that the cook could only expect promotion by sticking through thick and thin to the coat-tails of old Dogvane; but the carpenter's spirit was mutinous, and he showed no disposition to dance either to the cook's organ, or to be monkey-led by the captain of the Starboard Watch.

Although the Buccaneer was somewhat pacified, he determined to look into things a little more himself, for, as he said, there could not be so much smoke without a certain amount of fire. To begin with, he told the captain of his watch that he intended interviewing the heads of some of his departments. Dogvane tried to dissuade his master. He said it would be unconst.i.tutional and all sort of things. That the officials would not like it. They could not bear meddling; it hurt their dignity. But it was of no use, the Buccaneer was determined.

The high State officials who had the management of the affairs on board of the old s.h.i.+p thought, like most other servants, that they could best serve their master by squandering his money; and they did it right royally. Perhaps royally is not the proper word, for royalty is often careful, if not close, with its own money, whatever it may be with other people's.

The lavish manner in which the Buccaneer's servants spent his money was conspicuously shown in the administration of his army and navy, and in fact in all his public works. The one great principle being to spend a pound in laying out a penny, no matter whether it was a s.h.i.+p of war that had to be built or the mouth of a poor starving person that had to be filled. Whether this waste was due to carelessness, stupidity, or ignorance, or to a combination of all three, matters little. The result was the same.

Finding his master was not to be put off, Dogvane began to cry up his wares like the long sh.o.r.e cheap-Jacks.

"Your Navy, sir," he said, "is in excellent condition, though of course, the watch on sh.o.r.e deny this; but that is according to custom. We have placed your navy in the hands of those who have been chosen on purely const.i.tutional principles. Here again, we show that we are not the revolutionist that our enemies would make us out to be. Your first lord of the Admiralty we have selected from amongst those who are distinguished for their ignorance in all maritime matters. Men who do not know a s.h.i.+p's head from a s.h.i.+p's tail. I believe I should, to be quite correct, call it stern. It is of course a difficult thing to find amongst an insular, and sea-faring people, any man absolutely ignorant, but we do our best, and no man can do more. One thus selected, sir, on purely const.i.tutional principles, is more likely to be free from prejudice than your professional man, and he is likely to exercise a healthy check upon your sea lords, whose predisposition is to drift into bloated armaments and b.l.o.o.d.y wars. This, of course, means money, and your expenditure is already more than any of your neighbours, and if we have not as many s.h.i.+ps, sailors, and soldiers, as we ought to have, or than what your neighbours have, we at least spend ever so much more money, which must be to you an extreme satisfaction. If they say, look at our armies! we say, look at our expenditure! Your fellows do not cost a quarter, or a fraction as much, man for man, as our fellows do, or s.h.i.+p for s.h.i.+p. Cheap things, it is well known, are not only not good, but they are frequently nasty. Although your first lord may be totally ignorant of all things pertaining to the sea, he is ably a.s.sisted by distinguished sailors, and your first sea lord is ever ready and willing to set your first lord right when he goes wrong, which he seldom if ever does, or if he does we never receive any official information on the subject. They all support their party. They see nothing they ought not to see, and are at all times ready to swear that whatever is, is right, as far their watch is concerned, and that whatever is, is wrong, as far as the other watch is concerned. Honest sailors can do no more."

"Master Dogvane, is this as it should be?" the Buccaneer asked.

"Most a.s.suredly, sir. It is most const.i.tutional, and according to your general custom."

"Master Dogvane, I have found you to be of a sanguine temperament. You told me my people were prosperous and contented. I have my doubts, and I shall satisfy myself. But of that anon. Let my first lord of the Admiralty be called."

The first lord was down below listening to the first sea lord spinning a yarn, and he was trying to learn how to do it; because at times he was called upon to spin yarns with reference to his department. As has been already stated in this most truthful history, there was a time when the Buccaneer ruled the stormy ocean. He was then one of the finest sailors that ever trod a plank or made use of a strange sea oath; but times had changed, and many thought that modern innovation had taken the wind out of his sails, and that he at present traded upon his past reputation.

But people must say something.

The first lord of the Admiralty appeared. "Now, sir," said the Buccaneer, "take charge, and let me see what you can do." The whole sea-faring world had been so changed and modernized since the old Buccaneer had commanded in person, that he really knew very little about things; but ignorance can always be concealed by a discreet silence.

The first lord being thus called upon to show his professional knowledge, cried out, "Ease her! backer! stopper!" This was addressed through a speaking trumpet to the old Church Hulk alongside; but as she had never been known to move for years past, what the first lord said was without effect. Indeed the crew of the old Church s.h.i.+p were busily occupied in trying a rebellious priest who would neither mend his ways, nor leave his pulpit, but breathed defiance against the High Priest and all his ecclesiastical big guns.

"What is all that about?" exclaimed the Buccaneer, addressing his first lord.

"Those, sir, are nautical expressions I have picked up on the river,"

replied the first lord, "and I believe they are technically correct. If they are not, I have no official information on the subject."

The old Buccaneer not willing to display his ignorance, said, "I want, sir, to know what state your department is in. What have you been doing; and how are my s.h.i.+ps?"

"I have spent your money, sir, right well. I have bought some very fine and fast new cruisers, and I gave as much for them as I decently could."

"How is this?" cried the Buccaneer, "I used to be the first s.h.i.+pwright in the world."

"Rest easy, sir," Dogvane said. "These goods are of home manufacture. It is your custom in times of peace to let your s.h.i.+pyards lie idle; but when a scare comes, as come they will, in the best regulated nation, then we buy your s.h.i.+ps from private firms, and having husbanded your wealth, you can the more readily give high prices in cases of necessity."

"But is this wise, Master Dogvane?"

"It is const.i.tutional, sir," was the captain's reply. He might have added that it was also a customary thing to sell these s.h.i.+ps, for which so much had been given, for a mere song after the panic was over.

The first lord continued, "Then as to what I have done, sir, I have had the Admiral Superintendent's house at your princ.i.p.al naval station thoroughly repaired, cleaned, and re-decorated. All your s.h.i.+ps that float are in a serviceable condition, and as they have no enemy to contend against, except the elements, they occasionally run into one another, just to keep their hands in, and occasionally a s.h.i.+p is sunk or disabled. Although we have a due regard for your great wealth, we do not encourage a too frequent repet.i.tion of this, as it is extremely costly.

There is still 'a sweet little cherub that sits up aloft and looks out for the life of poor Jack.' That is, he would no doubt sit up aloft if he had anything to sit upon or any place to put it."

"You see, sir," exclaimed Dogvane with delight, "what excellent hands your navy is in. Your first lord can also tip you a stave, as they say at sea. He can sing you 'Oh! Pilot, 'tis a fearful night,' or 'All in the Downs,' he is also exceptionally good at a break down."

This high praise quite pleased the first lord, and wis.h.i.+ng to advance himself still more in the good graces of his master, he said, "I can take an observation. I can use the strangest of sea oaths, and I can at all times make it eight bells."

"A man, sir, who can at all times make it eight bells, must needs be a good sailor," Dogvane said.

"But let me see him work the s.h.i.+p, Master Dogvane."

The first lord being thus called upon to show his professional skill, told the sea lord to stand by and look out for squalls, which he accordingly did.

"Close by fours--" cried the first lord; but the sea lord stopped him at once by saying, "Steady there, s.h.i.+pmate! you are getting mixed."

There was now a long discussion between the two lords of the Buccaneer's Admiralty. The first lord declaring he never mixed, the first sea lord declaring that he did. "Anyhow," cried the latter, "put your helm down and go about."

"Aye, aye," cried the first lord. "Helm's a lee; raise tacks and sheet.

All hands splice the main brace!"

"Capital! capital!" exclaimed Dogvane, "your first lord, sir, is indeed an excellent sailor. He can actually splice the main brace and I feel sure that must be a most arduous undertaking; requiring much skill and intelligence. He seems, indeed, to be gaining so much knowledge of his profession that I shall have to move him to some other department, probably the army; he has some slight knowledge of military matters, but not enough to render him unfit for the post of secretary of State for war. Fortunately the heads of your different departments are all inter-changeable."

"How about his accounts, Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked.

"Ah! there, sir, I think you will find his ignorance most creditable.

Accounts are a sort of thing that no high official could possibly be expected to understand."

"What does my sea lord say?" asked the Buccaneer.

"Rivet my bolts and split my plates! what do I say."

"Note, sir, the change," Dogvane exclaimed. "It used to be s.h.i.+ver my timbers, you see, sir, your first sea lord is quite in keeping with the progress of the age. These changes of course have not been brought about without much trouble and at great expense."

"What do I say, your honour!" cried the first sea lord, "why clear the decks for action and strike up the band."

"What!" exclaimed the Buccaneer, as the blood mounted to his face, "are we going to have a naval engagement? I have not seen such a thing, Dogvane, for these many years past."

The Buccaneer now looked on with surprise at the first sea lord, who, having thrown aside his c.o.c.ked hat, folded his arms and danced round the deck on the circ.u.mference of a circle.

"What is all this, Master Dogvane?" the Buccaneer asked.

"He is going to dance you a hornpipe, sir. Your people are particularly fond of such things and they would come in crowds from miles away to see your first sea lord do the double shuffle."