Shakespeare Jest-Books Part 33

[273] Orig. reads _holde_.

[274]

"_On Sore Eyes._

_Fuscus_ was councell'd if he would preserve His eyes in perfect sight, drinking to swerve; But he reply'd, 'tis better that I shu'd Loose the, then keep them for the worms as food."

_Wits Recreations_, 1640 (p. 35 of reprint 1817).

-- _Of the olde woman that had sore eyes._ lx.x.xix.

-- There was an olde woman, the whiche bargayned with a surgean to heale her sore eyes; and whanne he hadde made her eies hole, and that she sawe better, she couenaunted that he shulde be payde his moneye, and not before. So he layde a medycyne to her eyes, that shulde not be taken awaye the s.p.a.ce of v dayes, in whiche tyme she myghte nat loke vppe.

Euery daye, whan he came to dresse her, he bare awaye some what of her householde stouffe, table clothes, candelstickes and disshes. He lefte no thinge, that he coulde carye clene. So whan her eies were hole, she loked vp, and sawe that her householde stouffe was caryede awaye. She sayde to the surgian, that came and required his money for his labour: syr, my promise was to pay you, whan ye made me se better than I did before. That is trouth, quod he. Mary, quod she, but I se worse nowe than I did. Before ye layde medicins to myn eies, I sawe moche fayre stouffe in myn house, and now I se nothinge at all.

-- _Of hym that had the custodi of a warde._ xc.

-- A certayn man, that had the custody of a ward and his goodes, and in shorte s.p.a.ce had spente all awaye, was by the gouernour of the cite commanded to bring in his bookes of _Introitus et exitus_, that is to saye, of entraunce and layenge oute, and to gyue accompte of the orphlins[275] goodes. So whan he came, he shewed fyrste his mouthe, and sayde, here it wente in: and after he shewed vp his ****, and sayde: here hit wente out, and other bookes of _Introitus et exitus_ I haue none.

-- _Of the excellent paynter, that had foule children._ xci.

-- There was a peinter in Rome that was an excellent counnynge man, and bycause he had foule children, one sayde to him: by my feyth, I maruayle that you paynte so goodelye, and gette so foule chyldren. Yea, quod the peynter, I make my chyldren in the darke, and I peynte those fygures by daye lyght.[276]

[275] See the new edition of Nares _in voce_. _Orphlin_ is merely a contraction of the French _orphelin_.

[276]

"A Skilfull Painter such rare pictures drew, That every man his workemans.h.i.+p admir'd:

So neere the life in beautie, forme and hew, As if dead Art 'gainst Nature had conspir'd. Painter, sayes one, thy wife's a pretty woman, I muse such ill-shapt children thou hast got, Yet mak'st such pictures as their likes makes no man, I prethee tell the cause of this thy lot?

Quoth he, I paint by day when it is light, And get my children in the darke at night."--

Taylor's _Sculler_, 1612 (Works, 1630, iii. 22).

-- _Of the scoffer that made a man a south sayer._ xcii.

-- There was a mery scoffynge felowe on a tyme, the whiche toke on him to teach a man to be a south sayer. Whan they were agreedde, what he shuld haue for his labour, the scoffer sayde to the man: holde! eate this rounde pellet, and I warant thou shalte be a south sayer. The man toke and put it in his mouth, and began to champe theron, but hit sauered so ill, that he spyt it out forth with, and said: phy! this pellet, that thou gyueste me to eate, sauereth all of a *****: Thou sayst trouth (quod the scoffer), nowe thou arte a south sayer; and therefore paye me my money.[277]

-- _Of the marchaunt of Florence called Charles._ xciii.

-- A marchaunt of Florence, called Charles, came frome Auignone to Rome; and as he sate at souper with a great company, one asked him how the Florentins at Auignone fared? He sayde they were merye and gladde: for they that dwelle there a yere (quod he) be as men that were franticke and out of theyr myndes. Than an other, that sate at souper with them, asked this Charles, how longe he had dwelled there. He answerde: vi monethes. Charles (quod he that asked him the question), thou haste a great wytte: for hit, that other be about xii monethes, thou hast fulfylled in halfe a yere.

FOOTNOTES:

[277] See _Scoggin's Jests_, p. 28 (edit. 1796).

-- _Of the chess.h.i.+re man called Eulyn._ xciiii.

-- Ther dwelled a man in Chesshyre called Eulyn, whiche vsed to go to the towne many tymes; and there he wolde sytte drynkyng tyl xii of the clocke at nyghte, and than go home. So on a tyme he caryed a lyttell boye his sonne on his shulder with him, and whan the chylde fell a slepe about ix of the clocke, the ale wyfe brought him to bed with her chyldren. At mydnyghte Eulyn wente home, and thought no more of his chylde. As sone as he came home, his wyfe asked for her chyld. Whan she spake of the chylde, he loked on his shulder; and whan he sawe he was not ther, he said he wist nat where he was. Out vpon the, horson (quod she), thou hast let mi child fal in to the water (for he pa.s.sed ouer the water of Dee at a brige). Thou list,[278] h.o.r.e (quod he): for if he had fallen into the water, I shuld haue hard him plump.

-- _Of him that desired to be set vpon the pillori._ xcv.

-- There were iii loytteringe felowes fell in companye on a tyme, the whiche wente so longe to gether tylle all theyr money was spente. Whan their money was gone, one of them sayd: what shal we do now? By my faith (quod an other), if I might come where preace of people were, I coulde get moneye inough for vs. And I (quod the iii) can a.s.semble people to gether lyghtly. So whan they came in to a lyttelle towne, where a newe pillory was sette vp, he, that sayde he coude lyghtly a.s.semble people to gether, went to the bayly of the towne whiche was a boucher, and desyred him, that he wolde gyue him leaue to haue the maidenheed of the pyllory.

Whiche requeste at the fyrste aba.s.shed the bayllye: for he wyst not what he mente therby; wherfore he toke counsayle of his neighbours, what was best to do, and they bade him set vp the knaue, and spare nat. So whan he was on the pillorye, he loked aboute, and sawe his ii felowes busy in the holes of the bouchers ap.r.o.ns, where thei vsed to put theyr money.

Than he said: ther now, go to a pace. The people gaped vp styll and laughed; and whan he saw that his felowes had sped their maters, and were going away, he said to the peple: now turne the pilori ones about, and than I wyl com downe. So they laughing hartily did. Whan the felow was com downe from the pyllory, the baylie sayde to hym: by my faythe, thou arte a good felowe, and by cause thou haste made vs so good sporte, holde I wyll gyue the a grote to drynke, and so putte his hande in the hole of his ap.r.o.n. But there he founde neuer a penye. c.o.c.kes[279] armes!

(quod the bayllye) my pourse is pycked, and my moneye is gone. Syr (quod the felowe), I truste ye wyll beare me recorde, that I haue hit nat. No, by the ma.s.se, quod he, thou were on the pyllorie the whyle.

Than, no force, quod the felow, and wente his waye.

FOOTNOTES:

[278] Liest.

[279] (?) G.o.d's alms. Browne calls this a _dunghill_ oath:--

"With that the _Miller_ laughing brush'd his cloathes, Then swore by c.o.c.ke and other dung-hill oathes."

_Britannias Pastorals_, lib. i. p. 100 (ed. 1625).

It is very commonly found in the early dramatists, and long before the statute of James the First, _By c.o.c.k_ and similar phrases were used, in order to evade the charge of profaning the name of the Deity. It is of particularly frequent occurrence in Skelton's _Magnyfycence_:--