Shakespeare Jest-Books Part 7

[77] The celebrated poet. The bishop was of course Bishop Nykke, Nikke, or Nyx, as the name is variously spelled. He held the see from 1501 to 1536.

-- _Of the yeman of garde that sayd he wolde bete the carter._ xli.

-- A yoman of the kynges garde, dwellynge in a vyllage besyde London, had a very fayre yonge wife. To whome a carter of the towne, _a mery_ fellowe, resorted and laye with her dyuers tymes, whan her husbande was on garde; and thys was so openly knowen that all the towne spake therof.

_A certaine yonge_ man of the towne well acquoyntyd with thys yeman _told him_ that suche a carter hadde layne by his wyfe. To whome _this yeman of the garde_ sware by G.o.ddes body, if he mette with hym it _should go harde but he wolde bete him well._ _Hey_, quod the yonge man, if ye go streyght euen nowe the _right way_, ye _shall_ ouertake him dryuyng a carte laden with haye towarde London; wherfore the yeman of the garde incontynent rode after this carter, and within shorte s.p.a.ce overtoke him and knewe him well ynoughe, and incontynent called the carter to him and sayd thus: Syrra, I vnderstande that thou doste lye euery nyght with my wyfe, whan I am from home. Thys carter beynge no thynge afrayde of hym answered, ye, marry, what than? What than, quod the yeman of garde! By G.o.ddys harte! hadst thou nat tolde me truth, I wolde haue broke thy hede. And so the yeman of garde retourned, and no hurte done, no stroke stryken nor proferyed.

By this ye may se, that the greatyst crakers somtyme, whan it commeth to the profe, be moste cowardes.

-- _Of the fole that saide he had leuer go to h.e.l.l than to heuen._ xlii.

-- A fole there was, that dwelled with a gentylman in the countrey, whiche was called a great tyraunte and an extorcyoner. But this fole loued his mayster meruaylously, because he cherysshed hym so well. It happened * *

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to heuen; for I had leuer go to h.e.l.l. Than the other asked hym why he had leuer go to h.e.l.l. By my trouthe, quod the fole: for I wyll go with my master; and I am sure my master shall go to h.e.l.l. For euery man seyth he shall go to the deuyll in h.e.l.l; and therfore I wyll go thyder with hym.

-- _Of the plowmannys sonne that sayde he sawe one make a gose to creke sweetly._ xliii.

-- There was a certayn plowmans son of the contrey of the age of xvi yeres, that neuer coming moche amonge company but alway went to plough and husbandry. On a tyme this yonge lad went to a weddyng with his fader, where he se one lute[78] vpon a lute; and whan he came home at nyght his moder asked hym, what sporte he had at weddynge. This lad answeryd and sayd: by my trouth, moder, quod he, there was one that brought a gose in his armes and tykled her so vpon the neck, that she crekyd the sweetlyest that I hard gose creke in my lyfe.

-- _Of the maydes answere that was with chylde._ xliv.

-- At a merchauntes house in London there was a mayde whiche was great with chylde, to whom the maystres of the house cam, and comaunded[79]

her to tell her who was the fader of the chylde. To whom the mayde answered: forsooth, n.o.body. Why, quod the maystres, it is not possyble but som man is the fader thereof? To whom the mayd answered: why, maystres, why may I not haue a chyld without a man as well as hennys lay eggys withhout a c.o.c.ke?

By this ye may se it is harde to fynde a woman wythout an excuse.

FOOTNOTES:

[78] _Lute_, as a verb, appears to be obsolete. We still say _to fiddle_, and no doubt _to lute_ was formerly just as much in use.

[79] Orig. reads _and that commanded_.

-- _Of the seruaunt that rymyd with hys mayster._ xlv.

-- A gentleman there was dwellynge nygh Kyngston upon Tamys, and rydynge in the contrey with his seruaunt which was _not the_ quyckest felowe, but rode alway sadly[80] by _his maysters side and uttered_ uery fewe wordys. Hys mayster sayd to him: _wherefore rydyst_ thou so saddly? I wolde have the tell me some tale to beguyle the tyme with. By my trouthe, mayster, quod he, I can tell no tale. Then sayd his mayster: canst thou not synge? No by my trouthe, quod he, I coulde neuer synge in all my lyfe. Quod the mayster: canst thou ryme? No, by my trouthe, quod he, I can not; but yf ye wyll begyn to ryme, I wyll folow as well as I can. By my trouth, quod the mayster, that is well; therfore I wyll begyn to make a ryme. Let me se how well thou canst folowe thy mayster meanwhyle; and then [he] began to ryme thus:--

"Many mennys swannys swymme in Temmys, And so do myne."

Then quod the seruant:--

"And many a man lyeth by other mennys wyues, And so do I by thyne."[81]

What dost thou, h.o.r.eson, quod the mayster? By my trouthe, mayster, no thynge, quod he, but make vp the ryme. But quod the mayster: I charge the tell me why thou sayest so? Forsothe Mayster, quod he, for nothynge in the worlde but to make vp your ryme. Than quod the mayster: yf thou doist for nothynge ellys, I am content. So the mayster forgaue hym hys saynge, all thoughe he sayd trouthe peraduenture.

FOOTNOTES:

[80] Quietly.

-- _Of the Welcheman that delyuered the letter to the ape._ xlvi.

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fauoure to his seruant and commaunded his seruant shortely to br_ynge hym an_ answere. This Welcheman came to the chefe Iustyce' place, and at _the gate saw_ an ape syttynge there in a cote made for hym, as they use to _apparell apes_ for disporte. This Welchman dyd of hys cappe, and made curtsye _to the ape and_ sayd: my mayster recommendeth hym to my lorde youre father, and sendeth hym here a letter. This ape toke this letter and opened it, and _lokyd theron_, and after lokyd vpon the man, makynge many mockes and moyes, _as the proper_tyes of apes is to do.

This Welcheman, because he vnde_rstood hym_ nat, came agayne to his mayster accordynge to his commaundes, _and tolde hym he_ delyuered the letter vnto my lorde chefe Iustyce' sonne, _who was at the gate_ in a furred cote. Anone his mayster asked hym what _answere he broughte. The man_ sayd he gaue hym an answere; but it was other Frenche _or Laten: for he understode_ him nat. But, syr, quod he, ye nede nat to fere: for I saw _in his counte_naunce so moche, that I warrante you he wyll do your errande to my lorde his father. This gentylman in truste therof made not a_nye further suite_, for lacke wherof his seruaunte, that had done the felonye, within a monthe after was rayned at the kynges benche and caste, and afterwarde hanged.

By this ye may se that euery wyse man ought to take hede, that _he sende nat a fo_lysshe seruaunte vpon a hasty message that is a matter of _nede_.

FOOTNOTES:

[81] This, to save s.p.a.ce, is printed like prose in the orig.; but it was evidently meant to be verse.

-- _Of hym that solde ryght nought._ xlvii.

-- A _certaine_ felowe there was whiche profered a dagger to sell to a fellowe, _the_ which answered hym and sayd, that he had ryght nought _to giue_ therfore; wherefore the other sayde that he shulde haue hys dagger _upon_ _c_ondycyon that he shulde gyue and delyuer vnto hym therefore _within iii_ dayes after ryghte nought, or els forty shyllynges in money: wher_on the_ other was contente. Thys bergayne thus agreed, he that shulde del_yuer_ his ryght noughte toke no thoughte, vntyll suche tyme that the day apoynted drewe nye. At the whiche tyme he began to ymagen, howe he myght _delyuer_ this man ryght nought. And fyrst of all he thought on a feder, a straw, a pynnes poynte, and suche other; but nothynge could he deuyse but that it was somwhat; wherfore he came home all sadde and pencyfe for sorowe of losynge of his xl. shyllynges, and coulde nother slepe nor take reste, wherof hys wyfe, beynge agreued, demaunded the cause of his heuynes; which at the last after many denayes tolde her all. Well, syr, quod she, lette me here with alone and gette ye forthe a-towne; and I shall handell this matter well ynoughe. This man folowynge his wyfes counsell wente forthe of the

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Therfore, syr, quod she, put your hande in yonder potte, and take your money. This man beynge glad thrust his hande in it, supposyng to haue taken xl shyllynges of money, and thrust his hande thoroughe it vp to the elbowe. Quod the wyfe than: syr, what haue ye there? Mary, quod he, ryghte nought. Syr, quod she, than haue ye youre bergayne, and than my husbande hathe contented you for his dagger accordynge to his promyse.