Mushi to Medama Vol 4 Chapter 3

Every child in the depths of the alley had a great name. There were five children named Jesus, three named Was.h.i.+ngton, even two who were called Hitler. These powerful names were the only consolation for children struggling in poverty, names that might bring them happiness in the future.

Joker was also born in the depth of the alleyway.

There were countless abandoned children in the ghetto, which were taken for granted in the dark corners of the prosperous country. At least Joker's mother took care of her. Her mother loved men, gambling, and money, and named her child Joker after the most powerful card in the set thanks to the inspiration she got from divination. However, contrary to the clown on the card, Joker rarely laughed and didn't make others laugh either. A girl named Moon was one of the rare children she had a cordial relations.h.i.+p with.

Moon said: "I will become the happiest person in the world."

Joker ignored all the children in the alley except her.

Moon had unique eyes. Some said her eyes were full of hope, some said they were the eyes of heroes, but Joker thought her eyes were dangerous – like those of a wolf.

"What's your dream, Joker?"

Moon, this girl with ambition in her heart, who lived as if she was burning her soul at both ends every second, only got a nonchalant reply from Joker.

"... Nothing." Joker replied with a dry and low voice. "I just want to live quietly."

That was the kind of child she was.

Her father died.

In fact, Joker only knew of her father's ident.i.ty when he died.

Her prost.i.tute mother was the only person who stayed beside her from the moment she was born. She never realized she had other relatives apart from her mother.

Apparently her parents started arguing before she was born. Although they did not divorce, they were separated - or rather, her mother left the house in a childish fit and started to live in the ghetto.

Whether because of the argument or because she didn't like Joker, even her mother only came to see her once in a while, and the woman never felt guilty about it.

As such, Joker never had much in the way of emotion ever since she was young.

She always felt there was a thin veil between the world and her.

Life in the ghetto was very hard and sad. Joy and happiness – such beautiful emotions had nothing to do with this place. Here, one could spend one’s entire life in sorrow and pain.

Would it feel like death if one lived without emotions?

She never really lived, therefore she couldn’t die just yet. It was a miracle to be born into this world, therefore she believed she must feel happy at least once. Wouldn’t it be a waste to be born, otherwise?

She didn’t want to die, but she wasn’t alive either.

That was how Joker was as a child.

… Her late father, who had a complicated relations.h.i.+p with her mother, was apparently a priest at the local church and used to live in the grandiose building.

Joker’s mother brought her back to live in that place after Joker’s father died, back to that empty place regarded as the home of happiness.

Her mother was unemployed and drowned herself in pleasure with men.

The holy residence of G.o.d was only a playground for her mother.

Joker wanted to escape from the sounds her mother made with strange men and the chaotic sound of people sitting at the gambling table, and she learned to live in the shadows. She taught herself to read from thoroughly perusing the only book in that place – the Holy Bible.

She learnt to write according to G.o.d’s commandments without realizing it herself. If she lived a good life, she would certainly be called to the side of the Lord, right? She wasn’t particularly touched, but her tears would not stop flowing. Even if she died, she would never be able to attain Heaven – that was her belief. Live a good life – what did that even mean?

There were little cubicles in the church called ‘confessionals’ for people to confess their sins to G.o.d, with a priest sitting inside speaking words of absolution and forgiveness, granting salvation to the penitent.

However, ever since her father died, the church had effectively stopped functioning. Even so, there were still wayward travellers who wandered in. Some people living in the vicinity would come to the church every day as if it were a job, old ladies in particular.

People would come in almost every day to talk about their troubles.

Some said that they had sinned. Some said they had discovered their evil natures. Some said they had hurt someone else.

It wasn’t just confessions. There were more questions from these lost souls than their desire to repent.

Some asked where they would go when they died. Some asked whether their souls would be saved. Some asked whether their sins would be forgiven.

Joker was just a little kid in the depth of the alley. She was not a priest or a nun, and she didn’t understand.

Perhaps even G.o.d Himself wouldn’t be able to understand. Human lives had no value here. People died every moment as if they were trash. If there were really souls, then Heaven would have been filled up long ago.

The confessional was soundproof so she couldn’t hear the disgusting sounds her mother made, so Joker liked to go there. But there were equally repulsive human sounds in there. There were way too many people seeking salvation.

G.o.d, please help me.

G.o.d, please save me.

G.o.d, please bless me.

Who were they praying to? G.o.d did not exist here. Joker, who lived here, knew this better than anybody.

However, as a prank and also as a duty, Joker sometimes replied to people’s confessions according to the words her father left behind. She memorized phrases from the Bible and gave out blessings with words such as “I forgive your sins’, and the people would leave with satisfied expressions on their faces. What exactly was G.o.d doing? People were in such pain, and where was G.o.d, what was He doing? Why did G.o.d never save us? Joker prayed everyday with her hands held up high like a nun. Although she felt those who came to confess were foolish, they would feel lonely if G.o.d never ever replied, right? She could at least let them hear a voice to prove that there was a G.o.d, that there was something, anything out there.

But the people were never going to be saved.

Joker eventually made this a part of her daily life and gradually forgot the life she led in the depths of the alleyway. That was when the most perfect and most lonely man in the world appeared. The man who stepped into the church – the man who called himself Sakaki Ganhō – asked a straightforward question as soon as he opened his mouth.

“I want to ask if G.o.d really exists.”

This question was far too serious. Joker answered without thinking: “Maybe not –”

Do you know of the Tower of Babel?

You come from an island nation from the Far East, so you may not have heard of it – then what about Christianity? The Bible?

Do you know about the legend of Genesis?

You walk into a church where G.o.d is said to reside, and you doubt the existence of the G.o.d that watches over this place. Your answer showed that you know nothing of G.o.d – you have a personality that is more courageous, or rather more arrogant, than your looks.

You don’t seem to have an interest in anything apart from yourself.

Anyways, the Tower of Babel was created by humans who had been cast out of Eden. In order to regain G.o.d’s blessing, they created a very tall tower with bricks and bitumen in order to return to the sky.

Mmm?

No, this is a legend.

Yes, even children know that those Apollo s.p.a.ce shuttles left the atmosphere and went into the sky and there was no Heaven up there.

Mmm – anyways, in order to reach the realm of G.o.d, that of Heaven, people created a very tall tower in the legends.

People had a communal language back then. They could communicate easily with one another and live together without conflicts. That was a language more perfect than any other tongue in the current world. People could connect with each other just through talking. They could understand each other and lived comfortably in this understanding.

That was why G.o.d disrupted that language.

G.o.d refused to allow these foolish humans to approach G.o.d’s Kingdom too closely. He caused their language to fall into confusion, which caused in-fighting and the eventual collapse of the Tower.

We lost our communal language from that day forth. None of us could ever really understand what others meant anymore. The way to approach G.o.d’s Kingdom had been forever lost.

Do you understand, man from a distant land? This is what you’re doing right now. If you walk too close to G.o.d, you’ll only be destroyed yourself.

G.o.d does not wish to be seen by us, nor does He want us to go near him. We cannot enter Heaven, and therefore we cannot ascertain His existence.

Yes – indeed. I am surprised that you understood that. If you understood that, then you should stop being interested in whether or not G.o.d exists – what did you say?

If G.o.d doesn’t want us, then you’ll become G.o.d yourself? Are you an idiot? What an arrogant person – you are not even aware of the imminent punishment coming from Heaven for saying such sinful words.

Oh?

Really?

You’re saying G.o.d already abandoned us? Then the punishment from Heaven would also – no, what am I talking about? Alright, this is it. It’s about time to end the preaching. Hmm – why are you still sitting there? Hurry and go back. This is not a place for an atheist to stay too long.

You like chatting with me? Don’t be so foolis.h.!.+ Really, stop when you can. I already told you to go back. You –

Her mother was arrested. It could be because of her men, or because of her gambling, or one of the illegal activities she was engaged in. Joker wasn’t particularly surprised. She didn’t feel much emotion for her mother, but she kept crying.

It was because the church finally shut down.

Without someone to keep it running, no one wanted to keep the church standing.

The coloured windows were all broken or melted. The confessionals were smashed. Many holy vessels were taken away to other churches. Only the giant crucifix remained.

The construction truck left, and there was nothing here anymore.

It had always been empty since the beginning. This place had always been empty. This planet, this entire world, had always been empty.

Joker was horrified to face the ruins of the church. She started to cry over this empty piece of land.

She knew that G.o.d did not exist, so why did she…

The sound of bells startled her back to reality.

She was s.p.a.cing out a little. It was very dangerous to be distracted. She would not know what was attacking her or when it started. She would be on the least guard when she was distracted.

“…”

Joker stopped reminiscing about the past with this warning. She was a tall blonde woman with blue eyes, dressed in an incongruous black business suit, and dark sungla.s.ses covered eyes which so often shed tears. The look from her eyes was extremely tender.

The ringing sounds came from the bells tied to Joker’s parted blonde hair. There was no wind, and yet they still made a crystal clear sound.

“Mmm. Mmm –”

There was no one else around. No one was here, and no one could accidentally approach her. Joker’s surroundings were completely enveloped with an aura of melancholy. As if afraid of getting lost, even birds dared not to approach this place. It was covered in complete silence.

Bathing in the tendrils of sunlight that filtered through the treetops, Joker said to herself in a low voice in this sudden and unnatural s.p.a.ce.

“… So Love Song disappeared?”

Her body and mouth moved to converse as if someone was standing in front of her.

“Most likely, someone took her away – he must be an extraordinary fellow to have found that place… Fool, it’s useless to apologize now. Die.”

A nonchalant and mumbling voice flew stiffly out of her throat. It was a coa.r.s.e and ancient voice, as if it changed into someone else’s voice as soon as it came into contact with air.

There was no one else next to her, and yet she talked with different expressions as if she was acting.

“Go look for her right now! I suspect someone abnormal might have stayed behind. If you can retrieve Love Song, who can disrupt the calamity, then I can reduce your punishment. Let out the Pale Horses! Long-Armed Demon disappeared, Berobōchō was killed, and Dullahan was taken away – they are the only ones who can fight against inhuman enemies at this stage.”

As Joker said this, she suddenly refuted her own words.

No. Even the Pale Horses were still humans. It was not completely safe to rely on them. It was too dangerous – perhaps she will have to go herself.

“I will return soon myself as well. That’s all.”

As if she just hung up a phone call, the conversation stopped together with the vibrations of the few bells. However, at the same time, all her bells began to vibrate even faster than before, sending out soundwaves as if she was a submarine searching for her enemy.

“‘Love Song’ was taken away – ” Joker’s face fell and she mumbled to herself, ignoring the maddening ringing of the bells. “Who was it, and where did they come from? d.a.m.n it. Single Room also disappeared, and they didn’t even attempt to hide it – things always go wrong, always making me upset…”

She was beginning to get into a bad mood, and anxiety seeped into her voice. The more she spoke, the more her anger boiled, until it ruptured forth in a torrent.

“Who was it!? Who took Love Song… Was it Ultimate s.h.i.+eldThe Weakest? Was it Sterilization Disinfection? – Or was it Single Room, who escaped from this place? Breaksun – no, she was the only one different from the lot. She would not do something like this.”

Joker p.r.o.nounced the name of that single innocent singer. Joker had placed all her precious trust in her voice. She shook her head.

“No matter what, it doesn’t matter if I don’t know who it was – no one can escape from me, from Melodia NoiseTear Song, from the omniscient sensory organ!”

She suddenly hugged herself and knelt down, repeating over and over.

“She’s mine. Love Song is mine!”

As if praying to G.o.d, Joker solemnly repeated those words over and over, and once again looked toward that place where time had stopped.

A long time ago, the Greater Fragment named Single Room was sealed by three separate powers, and isolated in that s.p.a.ce in the depths of the forest.

However, the Greater Fragment residing within Breaksun’s body broke through the isolation using PoisonCatastrophe’s power to twist cause and effect, and restored the place to normal.

Even so, Joker still liked this place.

Not having anything to do with anybody, far away from every danger, growing old silently in this place – how happy that would be.

However –

She could not do that. She could only search for that place with a longing look in her eyes as if she was a foolish child.

How empty everything was.

“Ah! So terrifying, so terrifying!”

Joker screamed hoa.r.s.ely, agonizingly. “Why am I the sensory organ? I don’t feel, I don’t want to feel! I don’t want to feel! I don’t want to see – I don’t want to feel anything. So scary, so scary. So scary – the subterranean rivers and magma are scary, the endless darkness of the universe is scary. Wishes, words, actions from innumerable humans, all mixed up – it was more terrifying than madness! … Ah, I can’t handle this anymore. It’s so scary!”

She shook her head as if wanting to shake something away, then yelled at the sky.

“Where can I be at peace? Where is Heaven? Where is silence?”

She then lowered her head and took a deep breath.

“Where is – G.o.d?”

This question had always haunted her.

Because no one ever replied.

Joker, in her infinite loneliness, adjusted her sungla.s.ses and kept walking into the depths of the forest.

“Moon –” She called out the name of that girl who was with her in the depths of the alley. “Did you become the happiest person in the world, just like how you dreamt?”

Jingle jingle jingle… the bells kept ringing.

“It seems that I – still can’t live a quiet life.”

Crybaby Joker murmured as drops of tears fell from her eyes.