All the Days of My Life: An Autobiography Part 39

But I will be truthful in this matter. It was really a foolish pride, perhaps even a little vanity, which made me put off seeing Mr.

Beecher. I was saving this opening as a last resort, for I shrank from meeting a man whom I had only seen in all the flush and glory of my bridal happiness. At that time I had a beautiful home, a loving and wealthy husband, and I was clothed in white satin and lace. I had a heart full of good hopes, and my countenance was radiant with the light of their promise. All was now so different, and my plain, sombre dress typified the change. Would he remember? Would he care? I thought not, but I said,

"There is yet the letter given me by Mr. Willis. I will take it in the morning. Perhaps it may bring us good fortune. If it does not succeed, I will remind Mr. Beecher of his promise."

About ten o'clock next morning, being the ninth of December, I called upon Mr. Libbey. I suppose I ought to have sent a letter asking an interview, and waited for his reply, but I think the very neglect of this ceremony induced Mr. Libbey to see me. He was a man of marvelous powers of observation, and of drawing the truth out of what he saw, and later when I mentioned this neglect of social form, he smiled and said that he had at once suspected I was childlike and inexperienced--or else extremely clever in disguising my real character. His curiosity was aroused, and he gave me an audience in five minutes after my request for it.

During that five minutes I was wondering what Mr. Willis could mean by sending me to such a place. It was the A. T. Stewart building at the corner of Broadway and Chambers Street, and when I saw the immense floor, the numerous tables piled high with webs of cloth of every kind, and the crowd of young men selling them to an equal crowd of buyers, I was quite sure there could be no place for me there. I suppose I ought to have felt nervous; on the contrary, I had a serenity and self-sufficiency, of which at the time I was unconscious.

In this mood I entered Mr. Libbey's presence. He bowed slightly, and directed an office boy to place a chair for me. It was placed as editors and publishers generally have a visitor's chair placed--that is, the visitor sits with the light falling full on her face, but the receiver has his back to the light, and his face is in shadow. I did not know this at the time, it took me some years to find it out. But the position must have a business value, for it is now an exceedingly common arrangement. It gave me no concern. I had nothing to conceal. I was going to tell the truth, and I did not suspect Mr. Libbey of suspecting me.

He was a tall, fair, aristocratic looking man, but the aristocratic element was not that which comes through centuries of n.o.ble descent; it was the aristocracy of deserved success. It clothed his tall, erect figure with a n.o.bility quite different, and a great deal more interesting. He had a large head full of cool, shrewd brains, and his eyes, though small, were wonderful. They gave strangers one quick, searching glance and _knew them_. Yet in hours of pleasant conversation, they had that delightful twinkle of the iris, which inspires such a confiding sense of comrades.h.i.+p. It did not take me many days to discover, that he had a fine literary taste, and an ear for religious discourse, as distinct as an ear for music. He was a true friend to me. I honor his memory. And I believe, that as the news of my success finds him, wherever in G.o.d's universe he may be doing G.o.d's will, he is made glad by it, and is pleased to remember that I asked his help on that ninth of December, 1868, and that he willingly gave it. For the rest he was free from arrogance and familiarity, and like all superior men, courteous to every one.

I took the chair placed for me, and he began the interview by tapping Mr. Willis's letter slightly, and saying, "Mrs. Barr, my friend Mr.

Willis thinks I may be able to help you to some suitable employment.

What can you do?"

"I love music, and I can teach it."

"What else?"

"I can teach drawing in pencil, crayon, or water colors, well enough for beginners. I have had a fine English education, and a good deal of experience in teaching."

"Anything else?"

"I am expert with my needle."

"Very good," he answered. "My three sons desire some knowledge of music and drawing, and Mrs. Libbey will be glad of your help with the needle. I think also, you could get a school large enough in Ridgewood to support you for a year or two; that would give you time to find your feet, and learn something of life as it is in New York. For you see," he added, "if we live in New York, we must live as New Yorkers live. Mr. Willis says you have three daughters; how old are they?"

I told him that Mary was seventeen, Alice seven, and that Lilly, who was fifteen, had gone to her grandmother in Glasgow. This statement brought out mention of the Reverend John Barr, and of my own father, and I could see that the ecclesiastic relations.h.i.+ps pleased him. I thought at the time, and I think so yet, that he felt glad to succor the grandchildren of two good and great preachers.

"I will speak to Mrs. Libbey tonight," he continued, "and send you some word early tomorrow. And if all is satisfactory, and you desire to come to Ridgewood, you will bring your two daughters with you.

Until you decide about opening a school, they are my guests."

I was so amazed at his words, and his cordial manner, that I could hardly answer, but my reply came from my heart, and he knew it. And I told myself that G.o.d had spoken some secret word to him, and that he was a good man whose soul knew the Divine Voice, and was ready and eager to obey it.

The next morning a young man called soon after nine o'clock. He brought me a note saying that Mr. and Mrs. Libbey would be glad to see me on Friday afternoon at their home in Ridgewood. He was further instructed to tell me, that he would call at two o'clock Friday, if convenient, look after my trunks, and go with me to Ridgewood.

I shall not detain my readers long with my New Jersey experiences. I was in Ridgewood nineteen weary months, but to the last Mr. Libbey's kindness failed me not. I found his three sons nice boys; the eldest, Will, was very like his father, courteous and kind-hearted, very bright and clever, as all the world knows at this day. He has never lost sight of me, nor have I of him. I was a few weeks in Mr. Libbey's home, and if I transcribe two days from my diary, they may stand for the whole:

_Dec. 14th._ Gave the boys music lessons early in the morning; afterwards I was arranging and indexing Mr. Libbey's library. Mr.

Libbey does not come home except on Sat.u.r.day evenings. I gave music lessons again, when the boys had finished their studies with Mr. Wall.

In the evening I sat sewing with Mrs. Libbey until late. We were talking of the South and the war. Mrs. Libbey is a southern woman.

_Dec. 20th._ We have family wors.h.i.+p on Sundays, and I afterwards went with Mr. Libbey to church. In the afternoon we had an interesting talk on the second coming of Christ, then I played some sacred music which all appeared to enjoy; indeed the hymn "Communion" made such an impression that Mr. Libbey will send to Edinburgh for a Psalmody like mine, which contains it. Alice was croupy, and I went upstairs to her as early as I could. Dear G.o.d have pity on me!

This hymn "Communion" is used generally in Scotch kirks just before the breaking of bread at the communion service:

"'Twas on that night when doomed to know The eager rage of every foe, The night on which He was betrayed, The Savior of the world took bread."

The words are pathetic and this sentiment is greatly intensified by their union with the most heart-breaking minor music in the psalm called "St. Mary's." I do not know how any one can hear it sung by a congregation on their knees with the minister holding out the broken bread, and not weep. The Scotch are far from a demonstrative race, but their love, pity and devotion at the sacramental hour need neither words nor song to translate it. _It can be felt._

During my stay in Mr. Libbey's house I did some work I had never before done. I patched three quilts. The circ.u.mstance came about thus: Mrs. Libbey showed me one day an amazing quant.i.ty of satin and silk samples. They were about the length and breadth of a brick, and of every imaginable color and pattern; having been sent to the house of A. T. Stewart as samples from the great silk factories of London, Lyons, Venice, et cetera, I exclaimed with delight, and Mrs. Libbey asked, "What would you do with them?"

"I would make each of the boys a handsome bed quilt! I would make Afghans, cus.h.i.+ons, tidies, oh, lots of beautiful things!" I replied.

She answered, "I have often thought of some such ways of using them.

How would you like to realize your idea?" And I said, "It would give me great pleasure." So I received a large basket full, and immediately went to patching a quilt for Will Libbey, my favorite pupil. On my last visit to Professor William Libbey at Princeton, this quilt covered the bed given me. I did not sleep much that night. I had forgotten the quilt patching until this one wrapped me around, and awakened a thousand recollections. I touched and smoothed its soft satins, and thought of the long, sad hours in which my needle went swiftly to memories of past days, or to my hopes and plans for future ones. And this quilt talked to me, as my hands touched the sensitized satin, and I breathed again the perfume of the courage and faith that hallowed the work. For I thank G.o.d I had been able by that time to take all my sorrow

"As a plain fact, whose right or wrong I questioned not; confiding still, It would not last one hour too long."

In a few weeks I rented a cottage from Mr. Libbey, and opened a school. I had only six scholars to begin with, but the number was variable. Sometimes it rose to ten or twelve, and then fell to six or eight. I think seven or eight would be a fair average. The income from this school would hardly have supported life, but it was helped very considerably by the tuition fees Mr. Libbey paid me for his three sons. Perhaps it was a wise indulgence of heaven, that at this time gave me with a sparing hand, just enough.

I had frequently letters from Lilly, and as she seemed at least contented, I was glad that she was in a position where she could see and learn many things, not possible if she was at my side. And Mary continued her music and English, and looked after the house and her little sister Alice. Truly the days were long and hard, but when they were over, and I came home to my children, and my cup of tea, I had a few hours of cheerful happiness, and could sometimes tell myself, that perhaps things were not going as badly with me as I thought they were.

It was a slow, monotonous, dreary life to which there seemed no outlet. The house was in a very ugly lane, and I had no neighbors but a Dutch family, who only knew me when I was paying them money; and a negro family, who were useful in the way of was.h.i.+ng and ironing and cleaning. On the Sabbath, I generally went to Mr. Libbey's for dinner, and that was my only mental recreation.

One Sunday after I had been in this condition for nearly a year and a half, Mr. Libbey sent me word that a countryman of mine, a Mr. Fox of Manchester, was with them and would like to see me. He was sitting with Mr. Libbey when I opened the parlor door, and we just looked at each other and smiled. Mr. Fox was so patently, so unmistakably Lancas.h.i.+re, and I told him so, and he answered,

"To be sure I am! So are you, Mrs. Barr! I know you by your Lancas.h.i.+re eyes, and your Lancas.h.i.+re color, and the up-head way you carry yourself."

"No, sir," I answered, "the up-head way I learned in Texas. It is a up-heart way, also. The up-head helps the heart, when the heart is dashed and down."

I have seldom spent a more delightful evening. Mr. Fox wanted to know all about the South, and cotton growing, for he was a great cotton manufacturer; then we fell upon the war, and I told him a great deal concerning it, and especially the incidents of the break-up, as I witnessed them. As I bid him good-bye our hands clasped warmly, and I said,

"Mr. Fox, as soon as your feet touch Lancas.h.i.+re soil, bless the dear land for me." And he answered, "I will not forget. And you?" he added, "remember to keep your up-head and your up-heart like a Lancas.h.i.+re la.s.s ought to do." This pleasant evening brought forth its fruit a little later.

About April Lilly wrote me that she was coming home. She said the Reverend Joseph Brown, the famous minister of the Kent Road Church--which was attended by all the Colville family, had advised her to do so; and that her uncle had bought her a pa.s.sage, and would himself see her safely on board. "It is all right for me to come home, Mamma," she continued. "I know now, that I never ought to have left you. Mary would have been better here, than I could ever be. She is more Scotch, and I am so English, that the very word 'England' tastes sweet on my lips, if I only speak it. Mary would have considered her words and ways, and her P's and Q's, and I have no doubt, would have won both the old lady, and the half-dozen or more young ones. The four boys understood me better than any one, but after all, my visit to grandmother is a broad failure. Uncle David is all right, and I don't mind people not loving me, if they are only _just_. But I am coming home to you, Mamma, and I know you will say, 'Lilly, dear, you did right.'"

Three days after we received this letter, Mary went to New York, to the office of the _New York Democrat_ to see Mr. Sykes, the publisher, and Brick Pomeroy, its clever editor; for I had written, mainly during sleepless nights, a novel, and I thought perhaps, from what I had read and heard of these gentlemen, they would take it. She had a long talk with Mr. Sykes, and the final result was a lunch with Mr. and Mrs.

Sykes, and her engagement as governess to their two children. Mary was delighted; she longed for a more vivid and useful life, and she loved the city, and hated the country.

"You see, Mamma," she said, "Mrs. Sykes wants me very much, and I like her. She is so pretty, and so beautifully dressed, and so fond of amus.e.m.e.nts. I shall see everything with her, and Mr. Sykes will pay my board, and give me twenty dollars a month. And you know Lilly may be here any day, and you do not need both of us."

So in April Mary went to Mrs. Sykes, and Lilly came home a few days after she had left me, and when she had told me her pitiful little story, I considered her determination to return to America quite justifiable. That Dr. Joseph Brown and his family had been her warm friends was sufficient for me; also she took particular pains to make me understand that her uncle's att.i.tude to her, from first to last, had been supremely just. That of course, justice, was the rock on which David Colville stood; he would not have been unjust to his worst enemy.

The school closed in June, and I could see on Lilly's face an invincible determination that it should not re-open. Whether she would have succeeded in inducing me to give it up, I know not, but one Sunday Mr. Libbey and his sons called, and in the course of conversation Mr. Libbey said to me,

"Mrs. Barr, the boys are going in September to Princeton to continue their education there. I do not think your school here will then support you. What do you think of doing?"

"I do not know," I answered. "I must consider."

"I have heard you say that you knew Mr. Beecher."

"Yes, in a way, not very well. I met him in Glasgow many years ago. I dare say he has quite forgotten me."

"I do not think so. Write him a letter. He may be able to a.s.sist you."

"I know not. I cannot think yet."