Random Rhymes and Rambles Part 17

They're nothing in my line at all They are so near a-kin, And so if I consent to this At once they'll hem me in.

O, you couldn't think it, Master Lue, That I should do you harm, For don't I read my testament And don't I sing my psalm.

'Tis all my eye, said Louis, both Your testament and psalms; You use the dumbbells regular To strengthen up your arms.

So take your poor relation off, You pious-looking prig, And open out Kit Denmark's box, And give him back Slesvig.

Come, come, says Mrs. Europe, Let's have no bother here, Your trying now to breed a row At least it does appear.

Now Johnny hearing from the bunk What both of them did say, He shouted out, Now stop it, Will, Or else you'll rue the day.

All right friend John, I'm much obliged, You are my friend, I know, And so my little cousin, sir, I'm willing to withdraw.

But Louis frothed at mouth with rage, Like one that was insane, And said he'd make Bill promise him He'd not offend again.

I'd promise no such thing, says Mark, For that would hurt your pride, Sing on and read your testament, Dame Europe's on your side.

If I'd to promise out at sort, 'Twould be against my mind; So take it right or take it wrong, I'll promise naught at kind.

Then I shall take and wallop thee Unless thou cuts thy stick, And drive thee to thy fatherland Before another week.

Come on, cried Sanctimonius, And sending out his arm He caught poor Louis on the nose, Then sung another psalm.

But Louis soon was on his pins, And used his fists a bit, But he was fairly out of breath, And seldom ever hit.

And at the end of round the first, He got it fearful hot, This was his baptism of fire If we mistake it not.

So w.i.l.l.y sent a letter home, To his mother, old Augusta, Telling her he'd thrashed poor Lue, And given him such a duster.

What wonderful events, says he, Has heaven brought about, I fight the greatest pugilist That ever was brought out.

And if by divine Providence I get safe through this row, Then I will sing "My G.o.d the spring From whom all blessings flow."

Meanwhile the other Monitors, Were standing looking on, But none of them durst speak a word, But all stared straight at John.

Ought not I to interfere, Says Johnny to the rest, But he was told by every one Neutrality was the best.

Neutral, growl'd John, I hate the name, 'Tis poison to my ear, It's another word for cowardice, And makes me fit to swear.

At any rate I can do this, My mind I will not mask, I'll give poor Lue a little drop Out of my brandy flask.

And give it up, poor Lue, my lad, You might as well give in, You know that I have got no power, Besides you did begin.

Then Louis rose, and looked at John, And spoke of days gone by, When he would not have seen his friend, Have blackened Johnny's eye.

And as for giving in, friend John, I'll do nothing of the sort; Do you think I'll be a laughing stock For everybody's sport.

This conversation that took place Made pious w.i.l.l.y grin, And told John Bull to hold his noise, 'Twas nought to do with him.

These words to John did make him stare, And, finding to his shame, That them were worse that did look on, Than them that played the game.

Now Dame Europe knew the facts Which had been going on, And with her usual dignity, These words addressed to John:

Now, Mr. Bull, pray answer me,- Why are you gaping here?

You are my famous deputy, Then why not interfere?

Why, answered John, and made a bow, But yet was very shy; I was told to be a neutral, ma'am, And that's the reason why.

That's just what you should not have done, Being in authority; Did I not place you in that bunk To think and act for me?

Why any baby in the house Could not have done much worse, But I fancy you've been holding back To save your private purse.

Neutrality is as fine a word As ever a coward used, So the honour that I gave to you You shouldn't have abused.

The minor lodgers in the house, On hearing this to John, Began to whisper and to laugh, And call'd it famous fun.

At last a little urchin said, Please ma'am I'd take my oath, At master John were neutral, And stuck up for them both.

Stuck up for both, offended both,- Is that it what you mean?

Continued Madame Europe, Then spoke to John again:

Now I'll tell you what it is, John, We've long watch'd your career, You take your f.a.g's advice to save Your paltry sums a year.

There's Bob and Bill, besides some more That I call naught but sc.u.ms, They've got you fairly in between Their fingers and their thumbs.

If such like men as Ben and Hugh This day your f.a.gs had been, They would have saved both you and me The cursed disgraceful scene.

And instead of being half-clad and shod, As everybody knows, You would have dared these rivals now To come to such like blows.

There was a time in this house, John, If you put up your thumb, The greatest blackguard tongue would stop As if they had been dumb.

But not a one i't house This moment cares a fig, For all you say or all you do, Although your purse be big.

I couldn't hurt poor Louis, ma'am, Although he did begin; And then you see that Will and I Are very near akin.

Beside, you see, said John again, I let poor Louis sup, On both I use my ointment, and Their wounds I did bind up.

A weel a day then said the dame, But much affected were, I see you have some small excuse What you have done it for.

I have some little hopes left yet That you may yet have sense, To know your high position, John, Instead of saving pence.

You yet will learn that duty, sir, Cannot be ignored, However disagreeable when Placed before the board.

And let me tell you he who s.h.i.+rks The responsibility Of seeing right, is doing wrong, And deserves humility.

And 'tis an empty-headed dream, To boast of skill and power, And dare not even interfere At the latest hour.

Better far confess at once You're not fit for your place, Than have a name Heroic, sir, Branded with disgrace.