Wit and Mirth: or Pills to Purge Melancholy Volume V Part 1

Wit and Mirth: or Pills to Purge Melancholy.

Vol. 5.

by Various.

SONGS Compleat,

Pleasant and Divertive, &c.

VOL. V.

_The_ FOUR-LEGG'D ELDER: _Or a Horrible Relation of a_ DOG _and an_ Elder's MAID.

_By Sir_ John Burtonhead.

[Music]

All Christians and _Lay-Elders_ too, For Shame amend your Lives; I'll tell you of a Dog-trick now, Which much concerns you Wives: An _Elder's_ Maid near _Temple-Bar_, (Ah! what a Quean was she?) Did take an ugly Mastiff Cur, Where Christians use to be.

_Help House of Commons, House of Peers,_ _Oh now or never help!_ _Th' a.s.sembly hath not sat Four Years,_ _Yet hath brought forth a Whelp._

One Evening late she stept aside, Pretending to fetch Eggs; And there she made her self a Bride, To one that had four Legs: Her Master heard a Rumblement, And wonder she did tarry; Not dreaming (without his consent) His Dog would ever Marry.

_Help House of Commons_, &c.

He went to peep, but was afraid, And hastily did run, To fetch a Staff to help his Maid, Not knowing what was done: He took his _Ruling Elders_ Cane, And cry'd out _help, help, here_; For _Swash_ our Mastiff, and poor _Jane_, Are now fight Dog, fight Bear.

_Help House of Commons_, &c.

But when he came he was full sorry, For he perceiv'd their Strife; That according to the _Directory_, They Two were Dog and Wife: Ah! (then said he) thou cruel Quean, Why hast thou me beguil'd?

I wonder _Swash_ was grown so lean, Poor Dog he's almost spoil'd.

_Help House of Commons_, &c.

I thought thou hadst no Carnal Sense, But what's in our La.s.ses: And could have quench'd thy Cupiscence, According to the _Cla.s.ses_: But all the Parish see it plain, Since thou art in this pickle; Thou art an INDEPENDENT Quean, And lov'st a CONVENTICLE.

_Help House of Commons_, &c.

Alas now each _Malignant_ Rogue, Will all the World perswade; That she that's Spouse unto a Dog, May be an _Elder's_ Maid: They'll jeer us if abroad we stir, Good Master _Elder_ stay; Sir, of what _Cla.s.sis_ is your Cur?

And then what can we say?

_Help House of Commons_, &c.

They'll many graceless Ballads sing, Of a PRESBYTERIAN; That a _Lay Elder_ is a thing Made up half Dog, half Man: Out, out, said he, (and smote her down) Was Mankind grown so scant?

There's scarce another Dog in Town, Had took the COVENANT.

_Help House of Commons_, &c.

Then _Swash_ began to look full grim, And _Jane_ did thus reply; Sir, you thought nought too good for him, You fed your Dog too high: 'Tis true he took me in the lurch, And leap'd into my Arms; But (as I hope to come at Church) I did your Dog no harm.

_Help House of Commons_, &c.

Then she was brought to _Newgate_ Gaol, And there was Naked stripp'd; They whipp'd her till the Cords did fail, As Dogs us'd to be whipp'd: Poor City Maids shed many a Tear, When she was lash'd and bang'd; And had she been a _Cavalier_, Surely she had been hang'd.

_Help House of Commons_, &c.

Hers was but _Fornication_ found, For which she felt the Lash: But his was _Bugg'ry_ presum'd, Therefore they hanged _Swash_: What will become of _Bishops_ then, Or _Independency_?

For now we find both Dogs and Men, Stand up for PRESBYTRY.

_Help House of Commons_, &c.

She might have took a _Sow-gelder_, With _Synod-men_ good store, But she would have a _Lay-Elder_, With Two Legs and Two more: Go tell the _a.s.sembly_ of Divines, Tell Adoniram blue; Tell _Burgess_, _Marshall_, _Case_ and _Vines_, Tell _Now-and-Anon_ too.

_Help House of Commons_, &c.

Some say she was a _Scottish_ Girl, Or else (at least) a Witch; But she was born in _Colchester_, Was ever such a b.i.t.c.h: Take heed all Christian Virgins now, The _Dog-Star_ now prevails; Ladys beware your Monkeys too, For Monkeys have long Tails.

_Help House of Commons_, &c.

Bless _King_ and _Queen_, and send us Peace, As we had Seven Years since: For we remember no _Dog-days_, While we enjoy'd our Prince: Bless sweet Prince _Charles_, Two _Dukes_, Three Girls, Lord save his _Majesty_; Grant that his _Commons_, _Lords_, and _Earls_, May lead such lives as _He_.

_Help House of Commons_, &c.

_Plain Proof Ruin'd: Or, a Grand_ CHEAT _Discover'd._

[Music]

Bold Impudent _Fuller_ invented a Plot, And all to discover the Devil knows what; About a young Bantling strangely begot.

_Which no body can deny._

The better to cheat both the Fools and the Wise, He Impos'd on a Nation a Hundred of Lies; That none but a Knight of the Post could devise.

_Which no body can deny._

He tells us he had the Honour to peep, In the Warming-pan where the _Welch_ Infant did sleep; And found out a Plot which was d.a.m.nable deep, _Which no Body can believe._

Then to the Wise Senate he suddenly went, Where he told all the Lies that he then could invent, For which he was Voted a Rogue by consent, _Which no Body can deny._

And tho' he was Punish'd for that his Offence, He has almost forgot it, it was so long since, Therefore the whole Game he began to Commence, _Which no Body can deny._

Then he to the Lords his bold Letters did send, And told the high Peers, that the Plot he could mend, And make it as plain, as he first did pretend, _Which no Body can deny._

He told them his Witnesses were mighty Men, That wou'd come to the Town, tho' the Devil knows when, And make _William Fuller_ once famous agen, _Which no Body can deny._

The Lords they were Generous, n.o.ble and Kind, And allowed him Freedom his 'Squires to find, The which he will do when the Devil is Blind, _Which no Body can deny._

So the Peers they declared him a scandalous Sot, And none thinks him fit to manage a Plot, If _Newgate_ and _Tyburn_ does fall to his Lot, _There's no Body will deny._

They gave him no more time than himself did require, To find out his _Jones_ and the wandering 'Squire, But the time being come, they were never the nigher, _Which no Body can deny._

The brave House of _Commons_ next for him did send, To hear what the Block-headly Fool wou'd pretend, Who humbly request, that they wou'd him befriend, _Which no Body can deny._

One day he declar'd they were near _London_ Town, But the very next Day into _Wales_ they were flown, Such nimble Heel'd Witnessess never were known, _Which no Body can deny._