Wit and Mirth: or Pills to Purge Melancholy Volume V Part 8

The Rag-Man being weary, With the Burden he did carry, He swore he would be merry, And spend a s.h.i.+lling or two; And he told his Hostess to her Face, The Chimney-corner was his Place, And he began to drink apace, _And_ Joan's _Ale_, &c.

The Pedlar he drew nigher, For it was his desire, To throw the Rags i'th' Fire, And burn the bundle blue; So whilst they drank whole Flashes, And threw about the Gla.s.ses, The Rags were burnt to Ashes, _And_ Joan's _Ale_, &c.

_The Second_ PART.

And then came in a Hatter, To see what was the matter, He scorn'd to drink cold Water, Amongst that Jovial Crew; And like a Man of Courage stout, He took the Quart-Pot by the Snout, And never left till all was out, _O_ Joan's _Ale_, &c.

The Taylor being nimble, With Bodkin, Shears and Thimble, He did no whit dissemble, I think his name was _True_; He said that he was like to choak, And he call'd so fast for Lap and Smoak, Until he had p.a.w.n'd the Vinegar Cloak, _For_ Joan's _Ale_, &c.

Then came a pitiful Porter, Which often did resort there, Quoth he, I'll shew some Sport here, Amongst the Jovial Crew; The Porter he had very bad luck, Before that it was ten a Clock, The Fool got Drunk, and lost his Frock, _For_ Joan's _Ale_, &c.

The bonny brave Shoe-maker, A brave Tobacco taker, He scorn'd to be a Quaker, I think his Name was _Hugh_; He call'd for Liquor in so fast, Till he forgot his Awl and Last, And up the Reckoning he did cast, _Whilst_ Joan's _Ale_, &c.

And then came in the Weaver, You never saw a braver, With a Silk Man and a Glover, _Tom Tinker_ for to view; And so to welcom him to Town, They every Man spent half a Crown, And so the Drink went merrily down, _For_ Joan's _Ale_, &c.

Then came a Drunken _Dutchman_, And he would have a touch, Man, But he soon took too much, Man, Which made them after rue; He drank so long as I suppose, 'Till greasie Drops fell from his Nose, And like a Beast befoul'd his Hose, _Whilst_ Joan's _Ale_, &c.

A _Welchman_ he came next, Sir, With Joy and Sorrow Mixt, Sir, Who being partly vex'd, Sir, He out his Dagger drew; Cuts-plutter-a-nails, quoth _Taffy_ then, A _Welchman_ is a Shentleman, Come Hostess fill's the other Cann, _For_ Joan's _Ale_, &c.

Thus like to Men of Courage stout, Couragiously they drank about, Till such time all the Ale was out, As I may tell to you; And when the Business was done, They every man departed home, And promis'd _Joan_ again to come, _When she had Brew'd anew_.

_The Soldiers Fortune: Or, the taking_ Mard.y.k.e.

[Music]

When first _Mard.y.k.e_ was made a Prey, 'Twas Courage that carry'd the Fort away, Then do not lose your Valours Prize, By gazing on your Mistresses Eyes; But put off your Petticoat-parley, Potting and sotting, and laughing and quaffing Canary, Will make a good Soldier miscarry: And never Travel for true Renown: Then turn to your Marshal Mistress, Fair _Minerva_ the Soldier's Sister is; Rallying and sallying, with gas.h.i.+ng and slas.h.i.+ng of Wounds Sir, With turning and burning of Towns, Sir, Is a high step to a great Man's Throne.

Let bold _Bellona's_ Brewer frown, And his Tunn shall overflow the Town; And give the Cobler Sword and Fate: And a Tinker may trapan the State; Such Fortunate Foes as these be, Turn'd the Crown to a Cross at _Naseby_: Father and Mother, Sister and Brother confounded, And many a good Family wounded; By a terrible turn of Fate, He that can kill a Man, thunder and plunder the Town, Sir, And pull his Enemies down, Sir, In time may be an Officer great.

It is the Sword does order all, Makes Peasants rise, and Princes fall; All Sylogisms in vain are spilt, No Logick like a Basket-hilt: It handles 'em joint by joint Sir, Quilling and drilling, and spilling, and Killing profoundly, Until the Disputers on Ground lie, And have never a word to say; Unless it be Quarter, Quarter, Truth is confuted by a Carter, By stripping and nipping, and ripping and quipping Evasions, Doth Conquer a Power of Perswasions, _Aristotle_ hath lost the Day.

The Musket bears so great a force, To Learning it has no Remorse; The Priest, the Layman, the Lord, Find no distinction from the Sword; Tan tarra, Tan tarra the Trumpet, Now the Walls begin to crack, The Councellors struck dumb too, By the Parchment upon the Drum too; Dub-a-dub, dub-a-dub, dub-a-dub, dub-a-dub an Alarum, Each Corporal now can out-dare 'em, Learned _Littleton_ goes to rack.

Then since the Sword so bright doth s.h.i.+ne, We'll leave our Wenches and our Wine, And follow _Mars_ where-e'er he runs, And turn our Pots and Pipes to Guns.

The Bottles shall be Grenadoes, We'll bounce about the Bravado's By huffing and puffing, and snuffing and cuffing the _French_ Boys, Whose Brows have been dy'd in a Trench Boys; Well got Fame is a Warriour's Wife, The Drawer shall be the Drummer, We'll be Colonels all next Summer By hiking and tilting, and pointing and jointing like brave Boys, We shall have Gold or a Grave, Boys, And there's an end of a Soldier's Life.

_The_ MISSES _Complaint._

_Tune_, Packington's Pound.

[Music]

How now Sister _Betteris_, why look you so sad?

_Gillian._ The times are so hard and our trading so bad, That we in our Function no Money can gain, Our Pride and our Bravery for to maintain.

_Bett._ True Sister, _Gillian_, I know it full well, But what will you say if such News I do tell?

And how't will rejoyce you, I'll make it out plain, Will make our Trade quick, and more Money will gain.

There's none of the pitiful Tribe we'll be for, And Six-penny Customers we will abhor; For all those that will our Dominions invade, Must pay for their sauce, we must live by our Trade.

_Gil._ Good Sister if you can make this but appear, My Spirit and Senses you greatly will chear, But a Famine of Flesh will bring all things to pa.s.s, Or else we are as bad still as ever we was.

_Bett._ Lately a Counsel of Bauds there did meet, In _c.o.c.k_ and _Pye_ Alley, near _Do-little_ Street: And who was the Counsel, and what was there done; I'll make it out to you as clear as the Sun.

From _Ratcliffe-highway_, and from _Nightingale-lane_, Their Deputies come with a very fine Train: Unto these two Couple come long sided _Sue_, Is as good as e'er tw.a.n.g'd, if you give her her due.

Then _Tower-Ditch_ and _Hatton-Wall_ sent in their Prayers, And drest as compleatly as Horses to Fairs; With them Jumping _Jenny_ appear'd, as 'tis said, Who ne'er in her Life of a Man was afraid.

The two Metropolitans came from the Park, As arch at the Game, as e'er plaid in the Dark; Then _Lutener's_-lane a gay Couple did bring, Two better, I think, was ne'er stretch'd in hemp-string.

There was many others from Places remote, The which were too tedious for me here to note; And what was their Business I here will declare, How to keep our Trade in Repute they take care.

And first for those Ladies that walk in the Night, Their Ap.r.o.ns and Handkerchiefs they should be white, And that they do walk more in Town than in Fields, For that is the Place most Variety yields.

And those that are over-much worn by their Trade, Shall go in a Vessel, their Pa.s.sage being paid; The Venture of Cuckolds, 'tis called by Name, And this is the way for to keep up our Fame.

And this is the s.h.i.+p which the Cuckolds have brought, It lies at their Haven, and is to be frought: And thither Wh.o.r.es rampant, that please may repair, With Master and Captain to truck for their Ware.

And for a Supply that our trade may increase, For wanton Commodity it will grow less; We'll visit the Carriers, and take them up there, And then for their Tutering we will take care.

In this we shall ease all the Countries to do't, And do our selves Pleasure and Profit to boot; For one that is crack'd in the Country before, In _London_ will make a spick and span Wh.o.r.e.

There's many more Precepts which they did advise, But these which I'll give you here shall suffice: And when you have heard them, I think you will say, We ne'er were more likely to thrive in our way.

_Some Orders agreed upon at a General Consultation of the_ Sisterhood _of_ Nightingale-lane, Ratcliff-high-way, Tower-Ditch, Rose-mary-lane, Hatton-Wall, Saffron-hill, Wetstone's-Park, Lutener's-lane, _and other Places adjacent, for the general Encouragement and Advancement of their Occupation._

I.

_That no_ Night-walker _presume to go without a White Ap.r.o.n and Handkerchief, the better to be seen._

II.

_To keep due Time and Hours, for fear of the Constable and his Watch._

III.

_That those which are over-worn, cast off and cas.h.i.+er'd, do repair to the s.h.i.+p called_ (the Cuckolds Venture) _now riding at_ Cuckolds Haven, _thence to be transported over-Sea, to have their Breeches repaired._

IV.