De Turkey and De Law Part 11

CLARKE Order, please. Court is set.

SISTER LEWIS You looks like all h.e.l.l and de devil's doll baby, but all I want _you_ to do is to hit de ground and I'll crawl you. Put it where I kin git it and I'll sho use it.

MAYOR CLARKE (feeling everywhere for the gavel) Lum Boger! Where's dat gavel I told you to put here?

LUM (from beside prisoner) You said _you_ were going to git it yo'self.

CLARKE I G.o.d, Lum, you gointer stand there like a b.u.mp on a log and see I ain't got nothin' to open court wid? Go head--fetch me dat gavel. Make haste quick before dese wimmen folks tote off dis church house. (Lum exits by front door)

SISTER TAYLOR (to Lewis) Aw, shut up, you big old he-looking rascal you! n.o.body don't know whether you'se a man or a woman.

CLARKE You wimmen, shut up!

SISTER LEWIS (to Taylor) Air Lawd! Dat ain't _yo_ trouble. They all _knows_ whut _you_ is--eg-zackly!

LINDSAY Aw, why don't you wimmen cut dat out in de church-house! Jus' jawin'

and chewin' de rag!

SISTER TAYLOR Joe Lindsay, if you'd go home and feed dat raw-boned horse of yourn you wouldn't have so much time to stick yo' bill in business that ain't yourn.

LINDSAY You ain't got nairn to feed--You better go hunt another dead dog and git some mo' teeth. Great big ole empty mouf, and no cheers in de parlar.

SISTER TAYLOR I kin git all de teeth I wants--I'd ruther not have no cheers in my parlor than to have them ole snags you got in yo' mouf. I'd ruther gum it out.

LINDSAY You don't _ruther_ gum it out, you _hafta_ gum it out. You ain't got no teeth. Dey better send out to dat ole mule and git you some teethes.

SISTER LEWIS Joe Lindsay, don't you know no better than to strain wid folks ain't got sense enough to tote guts to a bean? If they ain't born wid no sense you cna't learn 'em none.

LINDSAY You sho done tole whut G.o.d love now. (Glaring across the aisle) Ain't got enough gumption to kill a buzzard.

(Enter Lum by front door with gavel in one hand and mule bone in the other. He walks importantly up the aisles and hands Clarke the gavel and lays the bone atop the pulpit.)

CLARKE (rapping sharply with gavel) Here! You moufy wimmen shut up. (to Lum) Lum, go on back there and shut dem wimmen up or put 'em outa here.

(Lum starts walking importantly down the aisle towards Sister Taylor.

she almost rises to meet him.)

SISTER TAYLOR Lum Boger, you fresh little snot you! Don't you dast to come here trying to put _me_ out--Many diapers as I done pinned on _you_! Git way from me befo' I knock every nap off of yo' head, one by one.

(Lum hurries away from her apologetically. He turns towards Mrs.

Lewis.)

MRS. LEWIS Deed G.o.dknows you better not lay de weight of yo' hand on _me_, Lum.

Here you ain't dry behind de ears yert and come telling _me_ what to do. Gwan way from here before I kick yo' clothes up round you' neck like a horse collar.

(Lum goes on back and takes his seat beside the prisoner.)

CLARKE (glaring ferociously) This court is set and I'm bound to have some order or else. (The talking ceases. Absolute quiet)

CLARKE Now less git down to business. We got folks in dis town dat's just like a snake in de gra.s.s.

SISTER BOGER Brother Mayor! We ain't got no business going into no trial nor northin' else 'thout a word of prayer--to be sure de right spirit is wid us.

VOICE ON METHODIST SIDE Tha.s.s right,--Elder Simms, give us a word of prayer. (He rises hurriedly.)

VOICE ON BAPTIST SIDE This is a Baptist Church and de pastor is settin' right here--how come he can't pray in his own church?

VOICE ON METHODIST SIDE Y'all done started all dis mess--how you going to git de right spirit here? Go head, Rev. Simms.

VOICE ON BAPTIST SIDE He can't pray over me. Dis Church says one Lord, one faith, one Baptism--and a man that ain't never been baptised atall ain't got no business praying over n.o.body.

CLARKE (rapping with gavel) Less sing! Somebody raise a tune.

(VOICE ON BAPTIST SIDE begins "Onward Christian Soldiers" and the others join in.)

(VOICE ON METHODIST SIDE begins "All hail the power of Jesus name" and the Methodists join in. Both shout as loud as they can to the end of the verse.)

(Mayor Clarke raps loudly for order at the end of the verse and lifts his hands as if to bless a table)

CLARKE (praying) Lord be withus and bless these few remarks we are about to receive, Amen. Now this court is open for business. All of us know we came here on serious business. This town is bout to be tore up by back-biting and malice. Now everybody that's a witness in this case stand up. I wants the witness to take the front seat.

(Nearly everybody in the room rises. Brother Hambo frowns across the aisle at Mrs. McDuffy, who is standing.)

BROTHER HAMBO Whut _you_ doing standin' up for a witness? I know you wasn't there.

You don't know one thing about it.

SISTER McDUFFY I got just as much right to testify as you is. I don't keer if I wasn't there. Any man that treat they wife bad as _you_ can't tell n.o.body else they eye is black. You clean round yo' _own_ door before you go sweeping round other folks.

SISTER LINDSAY (to Nixon) What you doin' up there testifying? When you done let yo'

hawg root up all my p'tater patch.

NIXON Aw shut up woman--You ain't had no taters for no pit to root up.

SISTER LINDSAY Who ain't had no taters? (To Lige) Look here, Lige, didn't I git a whole crokus sack full of tater slips from yo' brother Sam?

LIGE (reluctantly) Yeah.

SISTER LINDSAY Course I had sweet p'taters! And if you stand up there and tell _me_ I ain't had no p'taters I'll be all over you just like gravy over rice.

NIXON Aw shut up--We ain't come here to talk about yo' tater vines, we come--

SISTER LINDSAY (to her husband) Joe! What kind of a husband is you? Set here and let Nixon 'buse me out lak dat!

WALTER How is he going to give anybody a straightening when he needs straightening hisself. I bought a load of compost from him and _paid for it in advance_ and he come there when I wasn't home and dumped a half-a-load in there and drove on off wid my money.

SISTER HAMBO Aw, you ain't got no right to talk, Walter, not low down as you is--if somebody stump their toe in dis town you won't let yo' s.h.i.+rt-tail touch you till you bolt over to Maitland and puke yo' guts to de white folks--and G.o.d knows I 'bominates a white folks n.i.g.g.e.r.

WALTER Aw you just mad cause I wouldn't let your old starved-out cow eat up my cow-peas.