Handy Andy Volume Ii Part 6

"Well, I'd rather have--" said the other giant; and again Andy lost what his atrocious desires were--"than all the other slices in the world. What a lovely round shoulder she has, and the nice round ankle of her--"

The word "ankle" showed at once it was a woman of whom he spoke, and Andy shuddered. "The monsters! to eat a woman."

"What a fool you are to be in love," said the drunken giant with several hiccups, showing the increase of his inebriation.

"Is that what the brutes call love," thought Andy, "to ate a woman?"

"I wish she was bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh," said the second giant. Of this speech Andy heard only "bone" and "flesh," and had great difficulty in maintaining the serenity of his diaphragm.

The conversation of the giants was now more frequently interrupted by the wind which was rising, and only broken sentences reached Andy, whose senses became clearer the longer he remained in a state of safety; at last he heard the name of Squire Egan distinctly pa.s.s between the giants.

"So they know Squire Egan," thought Andy.

The first giant gave a drunken laugh at the mention of Squire Egan's name, and exclaimed--

"Don't be afraid of him (_hiccup_); I have him undher my thumb (_hiccup_). I can crush him when I plase."

"O! my poor owld masther!" mentally e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed Andy.

Another break in their conversation occurred, and the next name Andy overheard was "O'Grady."

"The big bully!" said the second giant.

"They know the whole country," thought Andy.

"But tell me, what was that you said to him at the election?" said the drunken one.

The word "election" recalled Andy to the business of this earth back again; and it struck upon his. .h.i.therto bewildered sensorium that giants could have nothing to do with elections, and he knew he never saw them there; and, as the thought struck him, it seemed as if the giants diminished in size, and did not appear _quite_ so big.

"Sure you know," said the second.

"Well, I'd like to hear it again," said the drunken one (_hiccup_).

"The big bully says to me, 'Have you a lease?' says he; 'No,' says I; 'but I have an article!' 'What article?' says he; 'It's a fine bra.s.s blunderbuss,' says I, 'and _I'd like to see the man would dispute the t.i.tle!_'"

The drunken listener chuckled, and the words broke the spell of supernatural terror which had hung over Andy; he knew, by the words of the speaker, it was the bully joker of the election was present, who browbeat O'Grady and out-quibbled the agent about the oath of allegiance; and the voice of the other he soon recognised for that of Larry Hogan.

So now his giants were diminished into mortal men--the pot, which had been mentioned to the terror of his soul, was for the making of whisky instead of human broth--and the "h.e.l.l" he thought his giants inhabited was but a private still. Andy felt as if a mountain had been lifted from his heart when he found it was but mortals he had to deal with; for Andy was not deficient in courage when it was but thews and sinews like his own he had to encounter. He still lay concealed, however, for smugglers might not wish their private haunt to be discovered, and it was possible Andy would be voted one too many in the company should he announce himself; and with such odds as two to one against him he thought he had better be quiet. Besides, his curiosity became excited when he found them speaking of his old master, Egan, and his present one, O'Grady; and as a woman had been alluded to, and odd words caught up here and there, he became anxious to hear more of their conversation.

"So you're in love," said Larry, with a hiccup, to our friend of the blunderbuss; "ha! ha! ha! you big fool."

"Well, you old thief, don't you like a purty girl yourself?"

"I did, when I was young and foolish."

"'Faith, then, you're young and foolish at that rate yet, for you're a rogue with the girls, Larry," said the other, giving him a slap on the back.

"Not I! not I!" said Larry, in a manner expressive of his not being displeased with the charge of gallantry; "he! he! he!--how do you know, eh?" (_Hiccup_.) "Sure, I know myself; but as I wos telling you, if I could only lay howld of--" here his voice became inaudible to Andy, and the rest of the sentence was lost.

Andy's curiosity was great. "Who could the girl be?"

"And you'd carry her off?" said Larry.

"I would," said the other; "I'm only afraid o' Squire Egan."

At this announcement of the intention of "carrying her off," coupled with the fear of "Squire Egan," Andy's anxiety to hear the name of the person became so intense that he crawled cautiously a little nearer to the speakers.

"I tell you again," said Larry, "I can settle _him_ aisy (_hiccup_)-- he's undher my thumb (_hiccup_)."

"Be aisy," said the other, contemptuously, who thought this was a mere drunken delusion of Larry's.

"I tell you I'm his masther!" said Larry, with a drunken flourish of his arm; and he continued bragging of his power over the Squire in various e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.i.o.ns, the exact meaning of which our friend of the blunderbuss could not fathom, but Andy heard enough to show him that the discovery of the post-office affair was what Larry alluded to.

That Larry, a close, cunning, circ.u.mventing rascal, should so far betray the source of his power over Egan may seem strange; but be it remembered Larry was drunk, a state of weakness which his caution generally guarded him from falling into, but which being in, his foible was bragging of his influence, and so running the risk of losing it.

The men continued to talk together for some time, and the tenour of the conversation was, that Larry a.s.sured his companion he might carry off the girl without fear of Egan, but her name Andy could not discover. His own name he heard more than once, and voluptuous raptures poured forth about lovely lips and hips and ankles from the herculean knight of the blunderbuss, amidst the maudlin admiration and hiccups of Larry, who continued to brag of his power, and profess his readiness to stand by his friend in carrying off the girl.

"Then," said the Hercules, with an oath, "I'll soon have you in my arms, my lovely--"

The name was lost again.

Their colloquy was now interrupted by the approach of a man and woman, the former being the person for whose appearance Larry made so many inquiries when he first appeared to Andy as the hungry giant; the other was the sister of the knight of the blunderbuss. Larry having hiccupped his anger against the man for making them wait so long for the bacon, the woman said he should not wait longer without his supper now, for that she would go down and fry the rashers immediately. She then disappeared through the ground, and the men all followed.

Andy drew his breath freely once more, and with caution raised himself gradually from the ground with a careful circ.u.mspection, lest any of the subterranean community might be watchers on the hill; and when he was satisfied he was free from observation, he stole away from the spot with stealthy steps for about twenty paces, and there, as well as the darkness would permit, after taking such landmarks as would help him to retrace his way to the still, if requisite, he dashed down the hill at the top of his speed. This pace he did not moderate until he had placed nearly a mile between him and the scene of his adventure; he then paced slowly to regain his breath. His head was in a strange whirl; mischief was threatened against some one of whose name he was ignorant; Squire Egan was declared to be in the power of an old rascal; this grieved Andy most of all, for he felt _he_ was the cause of his old master's dilemma.

"Oh! to think I should bring him into trouble," said Andy, "the kind and good masther he was to me ever, and I live to tell it like a blackguard-- throth I'd rather be hanged any day than the masther would come to throuble--maybe if I gave myself up and was hanged like a man at once, that would settle it; 'faith, if I thought it would, I'd do it sooner than Squire Egan should come to throuble!" and poor Andy spoke just what he felt. "Or would it do to kill that blackguard Hogan? _sure they could do no more than hang me afther_, and that would save the masther, and be all one to me, for they often towld me I'd be hanged. [1] But then there's my sowl," said Andy, and he paused at the thought--, "if they hanged me for the letthers, it would be only for a mistake, and sure then I'd have a chance o' glory; for sure I might go to glory through a mistake; but if I killed a man on purpose, sure it would be slappin' the gates of Heaven in my own face. Faix, I'll spake to Father Blake about it." [2]

[1][Footnote: How often has the sanguinary penal code of past years suggested this reflection and provoked the guilt it was meant to awe!

Happily, now our laws are milder, and more protective from their mildness.]

[2][Footnote: In the foregoing pa.s.sage, Andy stumbles on uttering a quaint pleasantry, for it is partly true as well as droll--the notion of a man gaining Paradise through a mistake. Our intentions too seldom lead us there, but rather tend the other way, for a certain place is said to be paved with "good" ones, and surely "bad" ones would not lead us upwards.

Then the phrase of a man "slapping the gates of Heaven in his own face,"

is one of those wild poetic figures of speech in which the Irish peasantry often indulge. The phrase "slapping the door" is every-day and common; but when applied to "the gates of Heaven," and "in a man's own face," the common phrase becomes fine. But how often the commonest things become poetry by the fitness of their application, though poetasters and people of small minds think greatness of thought lies in big words.]

CHAPTER XXVI

The following day was that eventful one which should witness the return of either Edward Egan, Esq., or the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain as member for the county. There was no doubt in any reasonable man's mind as to the real majority of Egan, but the numbers were sufficiently close to give the sheriff an opportunity of doing a bit of business to oblige his friends, and therefore he declared the Honourable Sackville Scatterbrain duly elected. Great was the uproar; the people hissed, and hooted, and groaned, for which the Honourable Sackville very good-naturedly returned them his thanks. Murphy snapped his fingers in the sheriff's face, and told them his honourable friend should not long remain member, for that he must be unseated on pet.i.tion, and that he would prove the return most corrupt, with which words he again snapped his fingers in the sheriff's face.

The sheriff threatened to read the riot act if such conduct was repeated.

Egan took off his hat, and thanked him for his _honourable, upright, and impartial_ conduct, whereupon all Egan's friends took off their hats also, and made profound bows to the functionary, and then laughed most uproariously. Counter laughs were returned from the opposite party, who begged to remind the Eganites of the old saying, "that they might laugh who win." A cross-fire of sarcasms was kept up amidst the two parties as they were crus.h.i.+ng forward out of the courthouse; and at the door, before entering his carriage, Scatterbrain very politely addressed Egan, and trusted that, though they had met as rivals on the hustings, they nevertheless parted friends, and expressing the highest respect for the squire, offered his hand in amity.

Egan, equally good-hearted as his opponent, shook his hand cordially; declaring he attributed to him none of the blame which attached to other persons. "Besides, my dear sir," said Egan, laughing, "I should be a very ill-natured person to grudge you so small an indulgence as being member of parliament _for a month or so_."

Scatterbrain returned the laugh, good-humouredly, and replied that, "at all events, he _had_ the seat."