Our American Cousin Part 4

Enter Asa, L. 3 E., carrying a valise.

Asa Where's the Squire?

Flo Do you mean Sir Edward Trenchard, sir?

Asa Yes.

Flo He is not present, but I am his daughter.

Asa Well, I guess that'll fit about as well if you tell this darned old shoat to take me to my room.

Flo What does he mean by shoat?

Binny [Taking valise.] He means me, mum; but what he wants--

Asa Hurry up, old hoss!

Binny He calls me a 'oss, Miss, I suppose I shall be a hox next, or perhaps an 'ogg.

Asa Wal, darn me if you ain't the consarnedest old shoat I ever did see since I was baptized Asa Trenchard.

Flo Ah! then it is our American cousin. Glad to see you--my brother told us to expect you.

Asa Wal, yes, I guess you do b'long to my family. I'm Asa Trenchard, born in Vermont, suckled on the banks of Muddy Creek, about the tallest gunner, the slickest dancer, and generally the loudest critter in the state. You're my cousin, be you? Wal, I ain't got no objections to kiss you, as one cousin ought to kiss another.

Ver Sir, how dare you?

Asa Are you one of the family? Cause if you ain't, you've got no right to interfere, and if you be, you needn't be alarmed, I ain't going to kiss you. Here's your young man's letter. [Gives letter and attempts to kiss her.]

Flo In the old country, Mr. Trenchard, cousins content themselves with hands, but our hearts are with them. You are welcome, there is mine.

[Gives her hand, which he shakes heartily.]

Asa That'll do about as well. I won't kiss you if you don't want me to; but if you did, I wouldn't stop on account of that sailor man. [Business of Vernon threatening Asa.] Oh! now you needn't get your back up. What an all-fired chap you are. Now if you'll have me shown to my room, I should like to fix up a bit and put on a clean buzzom. [All start.] Why, what on earth is the matter with you all? I only spoke because you're so all-fired go-to-meeting like.

Flo Show Mr. Trenchard to the red room, Mr. Binny, that is if you are done with it, Mr. Dundreary.

Dun Yeth, Miss Florence. The room and I have got through with each other, yeth.

[Asa and Dundreary see each other for the first time. Business of recognition, ad. lib.]

Asa Concentrated essence of baboons, what on earth is that?

Dun He's mad. Yes, Miss Florence, I've done with that room. The rooks crowed so that they racked my brain.

Asa You don't mean to say that you've got any brains.

Dun No, sir, such a thing never entered my head. The wed indians want to scalp me. [Holding hands to his head.]

Flo The red room, then, Mr. Binny.

Asa [To Binny.] Hold on! [Examines him.] Wal, darn me, but you keep your help in all-fired good order here. [Feels of him.] This old shoat is fat enough to kill. [Hits Binny in stomach. Binny runs off, L. 2 E.] Mind how you go up stairs, old hoss, or you'll bust your biler. [Exit, L. 3 E.]

Dun Now he thinks Binny's an engine and has got a boiler.

Flo Oh, what fun!

Mrs M Old Mark Trenchard died very rich, did he not, Florence?

Flo Very rich, I believe.

Aug He's not at all romantic, is he, mamma?

Mrs M [Aside to her] My dear, I have no doubt he has solid good qualities, and I don't want you to laugh at him like Florence Trenchard.

Aug No, mamma, I won't.

Flo But what are we to do with him?

Dun Ha! Ha! ha!

All What is the matter?

Dun I've got an idea.

Flo Oh! let's hear Dundreary's idea.

Dun It's so seldom I get an idea that when I do get one it startles me.

Let us get a pickle bottle.

Flo Pickle bottle! [All come down.]

Dun Yeth; one of those things with gla.s.s sides.

Enter Asa, L. 2 E.

Flo Oh! you mean a gla.s.s case.

Dun Yeth, a gla.s.s case, that's the idea, and let us put this Mr. Thomas Hawk in it, and have him on exhibition. That's the idea.

Asa [Down L. of Florence, overhearing.] Oh! that's your idea, is it?

Wal, stranger, I don't know what they're going to do with me, but wherever they do put me, I hope it will be out of the reach of a jacka.s.s. I'm a real hoss, I am, and I get kinder riley with those critters.