The Jest Book Part 15

CCLXX.--NATURAL TRANs.m.u.tATION.

THE house of Mr. Dundas, late President of the Court of Session in Scotland, having after his death been converted into a blacksmith's shop, a gentleman wrote upon its door the following impromptu:--

"The house a lawyer once enjoy'd, Now to a smith doth pa.s.s; How naturally the _iron age_ Succeeds the _age of bra.s.s_!"

CCLXXI.--CRITICS.

LORD BACON, speaking of commentators, critics, &c., said, "With all their pretensions, they were only _brushers_ of n.o.blemen's clothes."

CCLXXII.--QUESTION AND ANSWER.

A QUAKER was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by his _theeing_ and _thouing_, one of them with a stern countenance asked him, "Pray, sir, do you know what _we sit here for_?"--"Yea," replied Nathan, "I do; some of thee for a thousand, and others for seventeen hundred and fifty pounds a year."

CCLXXIII.--A TRUE JOKE.

A MAN having been capitally convicted at the Old Bailey, was, as usual, asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pa.s.s against him? "Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried far enough already, and the less that is said about it the better: if you please, my lord, _we'll drop the subject_."

CCLXXIV.--THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.

A JUDGE asked a man what age he was. "I am eight and fourscore, my lord," says he. "And why not fourscore and eight?" says the judge.

"Because," replied he, "I was _eight_ before I was fourscore."

CCLXXV.--A CITY VARNISH.

IT being remarked of a picture of "The Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen," in the Shakespeare Gallery, that the varnish was chilled and the figures rather sunk, the proprietors directed one of their a.s.sistants to give it a fresh coat of varnish. "Must I use copal or mastic?" said the young man. "Neither one nor the other," said a gentleman present; "if you wish to _bring the figures out_, varnish it with _turtle soup_."

CCLXXVI.--A RUB AT A RASCAL.

GEORGE COLMAN being once told that a man whose character was not very immaculate had grossly abused him, pointedly remarked, that "the scandal and ill report of some persons that might be mentioned was like fuller's earth, it _daubs your coat_ a little for a time, but when it is _rubbed off_ your coat is so much the cleaner."

CCLXXVII.--A SAGE SIMILE.

MR. THACKERAY once designated a certain noisy tragedian "Macready and _onions_."

CCLXXVIII.--AN ARCHITECTURAL PUN.

_On the Statue of George I. being placed on the top of Bloomsbury Church._

The King of Great Britain was reckoned before The _head of the Church_ by all Protestant people; His Bloomsbury subjects have made him still more, For with them he is now made the _head of the steeple_.

CCLXXIX.--THE MAJESTY OF MUD.

DURING the rage of republican principles in England, and whilst the Corresponding Society was in full vigor, Mr. Selwyn one May-day met a troop of chimney-sweepers, dressed out in all their gaudy trappings; and observed to Mr. Fox, who was walking with him, "I say, Charles, I have often heard you and others talk of the _majesty_ of the people; but I never saw any of the young _princes and princesses_ till now."

CCLx.x.x.--A PROVIDENT BOY.

AN avaricious fenman, who kept a very scanty table, dining one Sat.u.r.day with his son at an ordinary in Cambridge, whispered in his ear, "Tom, you must eat for to-day and to-morrow."--"O yes," retorted the half-starved lad, "but I han't eaten for _yesterday_ and _to-day_ yet, father."

CCLx.x.xI.--A QUERY ANSWERED.

"WHY, pray, of late do Europe's kings No jester to their courts admit?"

"They're grown such stately solemn things, To bear a joke they think not fit.

But though each court a jester lacks, To laugh at monarchs to their faces, Yet all mankind, behind their backs, Supply the honest jesters' places."

CCLx.x.xII.--A WOMAN'S PROMISES.

ANGER may sometimes make dull men witty, but it keeps them poor. Queen Elizabeth seeing a disappointed courtier walking with a melancholy face in one of her gardens, asked him, "What does a man think of when he thinks of nothing?"--"Of a woman's promises!" was the reply; to which the Queen returned, "I must not _confute_ you, Sir Edward," and she left him.

CCLx.x.xIII.--THE MEDICINE MUST BE OF USE.

SARAH, d.u.c.h.ess of Marlborough, once pressing the duke to take a medicine, with her usual warmth said, "I'll be hanged if it do not prove serviceable." Dr. Garth, who was present, exclaimed, "Do take it, then, my lord duke, for it must be of _service_ one way or the other."

CCLx.x.xIV.--ROYAL FAVOR.

A LOW fellow boasted in very hyperbolical terms that the king had spoken to him; and being asked what his Majesty had said, replied, "He bade me _stand out of the way_."

CCLx.x.xV.--BLACK AND WHITE.

THE Tories vow the Whigs are black as night, And boast that they are only blessed with light.

Peel's politics to both sides so incline, He may be called the _equinoctial line_.

CCLx.x.xVI.--THE WORST OF ALL CRIMES.

AN old offender being asked whether he had committed all the crimes laid to his charge, answered, "I have done still worse! I suffered myself to be apprehended."

CCLx.x.xVII.--A PHENOMENON ACCOUNTED FOR.

DR. BYRON, of Manchester, eminent for his prompt.i.tude at an epigram, being once asked how it could happen that a lady rather stricken in years looked so much better in an evening than a morning, thus replied:--

"Ancient Phyllis has young graces, 'Tis a strange thing, but a true one.