The Jest Book Part 25

"All the souls that are, were _Forfeit_ once."

CDXLVIII.--INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.

DIED from fatigue, three laundresses together all, Verdict,--had tried to wash a s.h.i.+rt marked Wetherall.[A]

[A] Sir Charles Wetherall was noted for want of cleanliness.

CDXLIX.--A BASE ONE.

A FRIEND was one day reading to Jerrold an account of a case in which a person named Ure was reproached with having suddenly jilted a young lady to whom he was engaged. "Ure seems to have turned out to be a _base 'un_," said Jerrold.

CDL.--PROFITABLE JUGGLING.

A PROFESSOR of legerdemain entertained an audience in a village, which was princ.i.p.ally composed of colliers. After "astonis.h.i.+ng the natives"

with various tricks, he asked the loan of a halfpenny. A collier, with a little hesitation, handed out the coin, which the juggler speedily exhibited, as he said, transformed into a sovereign. "An' is that my bawbee?" exclaimed the collier. "Undoubtedly," answered the juggler.

"Let's see 't," said the collier; and turning it round and round with an ecstasy of delight, thanked the juggler for his kindness, and putting it into his pocket, said, "I'se war'nt ye'll _no turn't_ into a bawbee again."

CDLI.--PICKPOCKETING.

THE Baron de Beranger relates, that, having secured a pickpocket in the very act of irregular abstraction, he took the liberty of inquiring whether there was anything in his face that had procured him the honor of being singled out for such an attempt. "Why, sir," said the fellow, "your face is well enough, but you had on thin shoes and white stockings in dirty weather, and so I made sure you were a _flat_."

CDLII.--DUNNING AND LORD THURLOW.

WHEN it was the custom for barristers to leave chambers early, and to finish their evenings at the coffee-houses in the neighborhood of the inns of court, Lord Thurlow on some occasion wanted to see Dunning privately. He went to the coffee-house frequented by him, and asked a waiter if Mr. Dunning was there. The waiter, who was new in his place, said he did not know him. "Not know him!" exclaimed Thurlow, with his usual oaths; "go into the room up stairs, and if you see any gentleman _like the knave of clubs_, tell him he is particularly wanted." The waiter went up, and forthwith reappeared followed by Dunning.

CDLIII.--AFFECTATION.

DELIA is twenty-two, and yet so weak, Poor thing, she's learning still to walk and speak.

CDLIV.--WARM FRIENDs.h.i.+PS.

SOME people were talking with Jerrold about a gentleman as celebrated for the intensity as for the shortness of his friends.h.i.+ps.

"Yes," said Jerrold, "his friends.h.i.+ps are so warm that he no sooner takes them up than he puts them down again."

CDLV.--THEATRICAL MISTAKES.

A LAUGHABLE blunder was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent Garden Theatre, in the season of 1823, in the part of _Miss Stirling_, in "The Clandestine Marriage." When speaking of the conduct of _Betty_, who had locked the door of _Miss f.a.n.n.y's_ room, and walked away with the key, Mrs. G. said, "_She had locked the key, and carried away the door in her pocket_."

Mrs. Davenport, as _Mrs. Heidelberg_, had previously excited a hearty laugh, by subst.i.tuting for the original dialogue, "_I protest there's a candle coming along the gallery with a man in his hand_;" but the mistake by Mrs. Gibbs seemed to be so unintentional, so unpremeditated, that the effect was irresistible; and the audience, celebrated the joke with three rounds of applause.

CDLVI.--A BROKEN HEAD.

"I AM the only man in Europe, sir," said the Colonel, "that ever had a broken head,--to live after it. I was hunting near my place in Yorks.h.i.+re; my horse threw me, and I was pitched, head-foremost, upon a scythe which had been left upon the ground. When I was taken up my head was found to be literally cut in two, and was spread over my shoulders like a pair of epaulettes. _That_ was a broken head, if you please, sir."

CDLVII.--CALEDONIAN COMFORT.

TWO pedestrian travellers, natives of the North, had taken up their quarters for the night at a _Highland hotel_ in Breadalbane: one of them next morning complained to his friend that he had a very indifferent bed, and asked him how he had slept. "Troth, man," replied Donald, "nea vera well, either; but I was muckle better aff than the _bugs_, for de'il ane of them closed an e'e the hale night!"

CDLVIII.--AN ODD FAMILY.

BLAYNEY said, in reference to several persons, all relations to each other, but who happened to have no descendants, that "it seemed to be _hereditary_ in their family to have no children."

CDLIX.--A LAWYER'S OPINION OF LAW.

COUNSELLOR M----T, after he retired from practice, being one day in company where the uncertainty of the law became the topic of conversation, was applied to for his opinion, upon which he laconically observed, "If any man were to claim the _coat_ upon my back, and threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it, lest in defending my _coat_ I should too late find that I was deprived of my _waistcoat_ also."

CDLX.--BEN JONSON.

WHEN the Archbishop of York sent him from his table an excellent dish of fish, but without drink, said:--

"In a dish came fish From the arch-bis- Hop was not there, Because there was no _beer_."

CDLXI.--UNREMITTING KINDNESS.

"CALL that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a farthing! Call that kindness?"

"Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.

CDLXII.--KEAN'S IMPROMPTU.

AT Birmingham, one of Kean's "benefits" was a total failure. In the last scene of the play ("A New Way to pay Old Debts"), wherein allusion is made to the marriage of a lady, "Take her, sir," Kean suddenly added, "and the Birmingham _audience_ into the bargain."

CDLXIII.--A TRUTH FOR THE LADIES.

A LEARNED doctor has given his opinion that tight lacing is a public benefit, inasmuch as it _kills off_ all the foolish girls, and leaves the wise only to grow into women.

CDLXIV.--A MARK OF RESPECT.

CONGREVE was disputing a point of fact with a man of a very positive disposition, but one who was not overburdened with sense. The latter said to him, "If the fact is not as I have stated, I'll give you my head."--"I accept it," said Congreve; "for _trifles_ show respect."