The Jest Book Part 27

CDLx.x.xIII.--INGENUOUSNESS.

TWO young officers, after a mess-dinner, had very much ridiculed their general. He sent for them, and asked them if what was reported to him was true. "General," said one of them, "_it is_; and we should have said much more if our _wine_ had not failed."

CDLx.x.xIV.--A NEW SPORT.

QUIN thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked why, gave this reason: "Suppose some superior being should bait a hook with venison, and go a-_Quinning_, I should certainly bite; and what a sight should I be dangling in the air!"

CDLx.x.xV.--SYDNEY SMITH.

SYDNEY SMITH was once dining in company with a French gentleman, who had been before dinner indulging in a number of free-thinking speculations, and had ended by avowing himself a materialist. "Very good soup, this,"

said Mr. Smith. "_Oui, monsieur, c'est excellente_," was the reply.

"Pray, sir, do you _believe_ in a _cook_?" inquired Mr. Smith.

CDLx.x.xVI.--EPIGRAM ON THE DUKE OF ----'S CONSISTENCY.

THAT he's ne'er known to change his mind, Is surely nothing strange; For no one yet could ever find He'd any mind to change.

CDLx.x.xVII.--A FAIR PROPOSAL.

"WHY don't you take off your hat?" said Lord F---- to a boy struggling with a calf. "So I wull, sir," replied the lad; "if your lords.h.i.+p will _hold_ my calf, I'll pull off my hat."

CDLx.x.xVIII.--A DOUBTFUL CREED.

JUDGE MAULE, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, "One of these defendants, Mr. Blank, is, it seems, a minister of religion--of _what_ religion does not appear, but, to judge by his conduct, it cannot be any form of Christianity." Severe.

CDLx.x.xIX.--A SATISFACTORY TOTAL.

A SCOTCH Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a "denner tea," as he called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating that "Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. "It's unco kin' o' ye, unco kin', but I'll no pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak'

it hame on the horse afore me." When, on leaving, he mounted, and the ham was put into a sack, but some difficulty was experienced in getting it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. "I think, mistress, _a cheese_ in the ither en' wad mak' _a gran'

balance_." The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John Gilpin, he moved away with his "balance true."

CDXC.--GOOD RIDDANCE.

A CERTAIN well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a b.u.mper, and, addressing himself to the chairman, said, "I give you the health, gentlemen all, of the _waiter_ that called my Lord ---- out of the room."

CDXCI.--CALCULATION.

SAYS Giles, "My wife and I are _two_, Yet, faith, I know not why, sir."

Quoth Jack, "You're _ten_, if I speak true; She 's _one_ and you're a _cipher_."

CDXCII.--GEORGE II. AND THE RECORDER.

WHEN that vacancy happened on the Exchequer Bench which was afterwards filled by Mr. Adams, the Ministry could not agree among themselves whom to appoint. It was debated in Council, the King, George II., being present; till, the dispute growing very warm, his Majesty put an end to the contest by calling out, in broken English, "I will have none of dese, give me the man wid de _dying speech_," meaning Mr. Adams, who was then Recorder of London, and whose business it therefore was to make the report to his Majesty of the convicts under sentence of death.

CDXCIII.--SLEEPING ROUND.

THE celebrated Quin had this faculty. "What sort of a morning is it, John?"--"Very wet, sir."--"Any mullet in the market?"--"No, sir."--"Then, John, you may call me this time to-morrow." So saying, he composed himself to sleep, and got rid of the _ennui_ of a dull day.

CDXCIV.--AT HIS FINGERS' ENDS.

"I SUPPOSE," said a quack, while feeling the pulse of his patient, "that you think me a _humbug_?"--"Sir," replied the sick man, "I perceive that you can _discover_ a man's thoughts by your touch."

CDXCV.--NOT SO EASY.

A CERTAIN learned serjeant, who is apt to be testy in argument, was advised by the Court not to _show temper_, but to _show cause_.

CDXCVI.--A POINT.

POPE was one evening at b.u.t.ton's coffee-house, where he and a set of literati had got poring over a Latin ma.n.u.script, in which they had found a pa.s.sage that none of them could comprehend. A young officer, who heard their conference, begged that he might be permitted to look at the pa.s.sage. "Oh," says Pope, sarcastically, "by all means; pray let the young gentleman look at it." Upon which the officer took up the ma.n.u.script, and, considering it a while, said there only wanted a note of interrogation to make the whole intelligible: which was really the case. "And pray, master," says Pope, with a sneer, "what is a _note of interrogation_?"--"A note of interrogation," replied the young fellow, with a look of great contempt, "is a little _crooked thing_ that asks questions."

CDXCVII.--THE REPUBLIC OF LEARNING.

ONE asked another why learning was always called a republic. "Forsooth,"

quoth the other, "because scholars are _so poor_ that they have _not a sovereign_ amongst them."

CDXCVIII.--CHALLENGING A JURY.

AN Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom he objected, he might legally _challenge_ them. "Faith, and so I will,"

replied he; "if they do not acquit me I will _challenge_ every man of them."

CDXCIX.--WALPOLIANA.

WHEN Mr. Naylor's father married his second wife, Naylor said, "Father, they say you are to be married to-day; are you?"--"Well," replied the Bishop, "and what is that to you?"--"Nay, nothing; only if you had told me, I would have _powdered_ my hair."

A tutor at Cambridge had been examining some lads in Latin; but in a little while excused himself, and said he must speak English, for his mouth was _very sore_.

After going out of the Commons, and fighting a duel with Mr. Chetwynd, whom he wounded, "my uncle" (says Walpole) "returned to the House, and was so little moved as to speak immediately upon the _cambric bill_;"

which made Swinny say, that "it was a sign he was not _ruffled_."

D.--MINDING HIS BUSINESS.