The Jest Book Part 28

MURPHY was asked how it was so difficult to waken him in the morning: "Indeed, master, it's because of taking your own advice, always to attind to what I'm about; so whenever I _sleeps_, I pays _attintion_ to it."

DI.--PENCE TABLE.

A SCHOOLBOY going into the village without leave, his master called after him, "Where are you going, sir?"--"I am going to buy a ha'porth of nails."--"What do you want a ha'porth of nails for?"--"For a _halfpenny_," replied the urchin.

DII.--SATISFACTION.

LORD WILLIAM POULAT was said to be the author of a pamphlet called "The Snake in the Gra.s.s." A gentleman abused in it sent him a challenge. Lord William protested his innocence, but the gentleman insisted upon a denial under his own hand. Lord William took a pen and began: "This is to scratify that the buk called 'The Snak'"--"Oh! my Lord," said the person, "I am satisfied; your Lords.h.i.+p has already convinced me _you did not_ write the book."

DIII.--A SAFE APPEAL.

A PHYSICIAN once defended himself from raillery by saying, "I defy any person whom I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or neglect."--"That you may do safely," replied an auditor, "for you know, doctor, _dead_ men tell no tales."

DIV.--A CAUTIOUS LOVER.

"WHEN I courted her," said Spreadweasel, "I took lawyer's advice, and signed every letter to my love,--'Yours, without prejudice!'"--D.J.

DV.--THE SWORD AND THE SCABBARD.

A WAG, on seeing his friend with something under his cloak, asked him what it was. "A poniard," answered he; but he observed that it was a bottle: taking it from him, and drinking the contents, he returned it, saying, "There, I give you the _scabbard_ back again."

DVI.--TOUCHING.

WHEN Lord Eldon resigned the Great Seal, a small barrister said, "To me his loss is irreparable. Lord Eldon always behaved to me like _a father_."--"Yes," remarked Brougham, "I understand he always treated you like _a child_."

DVII.--THE COLLEGE BELL!

AT a party of college grandees, one of the big-wigs proposed that each gentleman should toast his favorite _Belle_. When it came to the turn of Dr. Barrett (who happened to be one of the _quorum_) to be called on for the name of the fair object of his admiration, he very facetiously gave, "The College Bell!" _Vivat Collegium Sancti Petri_!

DVIII.--FRENCH LANGUAGE.

WHEN some one was expatiating on the merits of the French language to Mr. Canning, he exclaimed: "Why, what on earth, sir, can be expected of a language which has but one word for _liking_ and _loving_, and puts a fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par:--_J'aime Julie; J'aime un gigot_!"

DIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the alleged disinterestedness of a certain Prelate.)

HE says he don't think of himself, And I'm to believe him inclined; For by the confession, the elf Admits that he's _out_ of his _mind_.

DX.--CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP.

A COUNTRY schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?"--"Please, sir," said the favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the school-bell was the steamboat-bell."--"Very well," said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his favorite. "And now, sir," turning to the other, "what have you to say?"--"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, "_I--I--was waiting to see Tom off_!"

DXI.--ANTIc.i.p.aTION.

LORD AVONDALE, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to antic.i.p.ation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, "Coming through the market just now I saw a butcher, with his knife, going to kill a calf; at that moment a child ran across him, and he killed ----" "O, my goodness!--he killed _the child_!" exclaimed his lords.h.i.+p. "No, my lord, _the calf_; but you will always antic.i.p.ate."

DXII.--THE BEST JUDGE.

A LADY said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence:--

"My dear, you certainly want some new trousers."--"No, I think not,"

replied the husband.

"Well," Jerrold interposed, "I think the lady who always wears them ought to know."

DXIII.--THE RIVALS.

A GOOD story of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore's Memoirs.

The _dramatis personae_ were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the historian, and an eminent French physician,--the historian and doctor being rivals in courting the lady's favor. Impatient at Gibbon's occupying so much of her attention by his conversation, the doctor said crossly to him, "_Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera malade de vos fadaises, je la guerirai_." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is made ill by your twaddle, I will cure her.] On which Gibbon, drawing himself up grandly, and looking disdainfully at the physician, replied, "_Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera morte de vos recettes, je l'im-mor-taliserai_." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is dead from your recipes I will immortalize her.]

DXIV.--DEAD LANGUAGE.

AMONG the many English who visited Paris in 1815 was Alderman Wood, who had previously filled the office of Lord Mayor of London. He ordered a hundred visiting cards, inscribing upon them. "Alderman Wood, _feu Lord Maire de Londres_," which he distributed amongst people of rank, having translated the word "late" into "_feu_," which we need hardly state means "dead."

DXV.--WALPOLIANA.

SIR JOHN GERMAIN was so ignorant, that he is said to have left a legacy to Sir Matthew Decker, as the _author_ of St. Matthew's Gospel.

Churchill (General C----, a natural son of the Marlborough family) asked Pulteney the other day, "Well, Mr. Pulteney, will you break me, too?"--"No, Charles," replied he, "_you break_ fast enough of yourself!"

Don't you think it hurt him more than the other breaking would?

Walpole was plagued one morning with that oaf of unlicked antiquity, Prideaux, and his great boy. He talked through all Italy, and everything in all Italy. Upon mentioning Stosch, Walpole asked if he had seen his collection. He replied, very few of his things, for he did not like his company; that he never heard so much _heathenish talk_ in his days.

Walpole inquired what it was, and found that Stosch had one day said before him, _that the soul was only a little glue_.

DXVI.--A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.

A CLERGYMAN, who had to preach before Archbishop Whately, begged to be let off, saying, "I hope your Grace will excuse my preaching next Sunday."--"Certainly," said the other indulgently. Sunday came, and the archbishop said to him, "Well! Mr. ----, what became of you? we expected you to preach to-day."--"Oh, your Grace said you would excuse my preaching to-day."--"Exactly; but I did not say I would excuse you _from_ preaching."

DXVII.--EPIGRAM.