The Jest Book Part 49

A SHOPKEEPER, who had stuck up a notice in glaring capitals, "Selling off! Must close on Sat.u.r.day!" was asked by a friend, "What! are you selling off?"--"Yes, all the shopkeepers are selling off, ain't they?"--"But you say, 'Must close on Sat.u.r.day.'"--"To be sure; would you have me _keep open_ on Sunday!"

DCCCLXVII.--SPECIES AND SPECIE.

IN preaching a charity sermon, Sydney Smith frequently repeated the a.s.sertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were most distinguished for their generosity, and the love of their _species_. The collection happened to be inferior to his expectation, and he said that he had evidently made a great mistake; for that his expression should have been, that they were distinguished for the love of their _specie_.

DCCCLXVIII.--DR. JOHNSON.

WHEN Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Potter, whom he afterwards married, he told her that he was of mean extraction; that he had no money; and that he had had an uncle hanged! The lady, by way of reducing herself to an equality with the Doctor, replied, that she had no more money than himself; and that, though she had not had a relation hanged, she had fifty who _deserved hanging_.

DCCCLXIX.--THE POET FOILED.

TO win the maid the poet tries, And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes, She likes a _verse_, but, cruel whim, She still appears _a-verse_ to him.

DCCCLXX.--A COMEDIAN AND A LAWYER.

A FEW years ago, when Billy Burton, the American actor, was in his "trouble," a young lawyer was examining him as to how he had spent his money. There was about three thousand pounds unaccounted for, when the attorney put on a severe scrutinizing face, and exclaimed, with much self-complacency,--"Now, sir, I want you to tell this court and jury how you used those three thousand pounds." Burton put on one of his serio-comic faces, winked at the audience, and exclaimed, "_The lawyers got that_!" The judge and audience were convulsed with laughter. The counsellor was glad to let the comedian go.

DCCCLXXI.--VICE VERSA.

IT is a.s.serted that the bad Ministers have contracted the National Debt.

This cannot be; for instead of _contracting_ it at all, bad Ministers have most materially extended it.

DCCCLXXII.--NOTHING PERSONAL.

AT a dinner-party one day a certain knight, whose character was considered to be not altogether unexceptionable, said he would give them a toast; and looking hard in the face of Mrs. M----, who was more celebrated for wit than beauty, gave "Honest men an' bonny la.s.ses!"--"With all my heart, Sir John," said Mrs. M----, "for it neither _applies_ to you nor me."

DCCCLXXIII.--A HINT FOR GENEALOGISTS.

MR. MOORE, who derived his pedigree from Noah, explained it in this manner: "Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and one _more_."

DCCCLXXIV.--A MISTAKE.

OLD d.i.c.k Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man ever died of drinking.

"Some puny things," he said, "have died of _learning_ to drink, but no man ever died of drinking." Mr. Baldwin was no mean authority; for he spoke from great practical experience, and was, moreover, many years treasurer of St. Bartholomew's Hospital.

DCCCLXXV.--AN IMPOSSIBLE RENUNCIATION.

THE late Dr. Risk, of Dalserf, being one of the moderators, did not satisfy, by his preaching, the Calvinistic portion of his flock. "Why, sir," said they, "we think you dinna tell us enough about renouncing our ain righteousness."--"Renouncing your ain righteousness!" vociferated the astonished doctor, "I never _saw any ye had to renounce_!"

DCCCLXXVI.--THE HUMANE SOCIETY AT AN EVENING PARTY.

AT an evening party, a very elderly lady was dancing with a young partner. A stranger approached Jerrold, who was looking on, and said,--

"Pray, sir, can you tell me who is the young gentleman dancing with that very elderly lady!"

"One of the Humane Society, I should think," replied Jerrold.

DCCCLXXVII.--A PROUD HEART.

MATHEWS, whose powers in conversation and whose flow of anecdote in private life transcended even his public efforts, told a variety of tales of the Kingswood colliers (Kingswood is near Bristol), in one of which he represented an old collier, looking for some of the implements of his trade, exclaiming, "Jan, what's the mother done with the new coal-sacks?"--"Made _pillows_ on 'em," replied the son.

"Confound her proud heart!" rejoins the collier, "why could she not take th' _ould_ ones?"

DCCCLXXVIII.--SENT HOME FREE.

A VERY considerate hotel-keeper, advertising his "Burton x.x.xX,"

concludes the advertis.e.m.e.nt: "N.B. Parties drinking more than four gla.s.ses of this potent beverage at one sitting, carefully sent _home gratis_ in a wheelbarrow, if required."

DCCCLXXIX.--CHARLES II. AND MILTON.

CHARLES II. and his brother James went to see Milton, to reproach him, and finished a profusion of insults with saying, "You old villain! your blindness is the visitation of Providence for your sins."--"If Providence," replied the venerable bard, "has punished my sins with _blindness_, what must have been the crimes of your father which it punished with _death_!"

DCCCLx.x.x.--WHOSE?

SYDNEY SMITH being ill, his physician advised him to "take a walk upon an empty stomach."--"_Upon whose_?" said he.

DCCCLx.x.xI.--"PUPPIES NEVER SEE TILL THEY ARE NINE DAYS OLD."

IT is related, that when a former Bishop of Bristol held the office of Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, he one day met a couple of undergraduates, who neglected to pay the accustomed compliment of _capping_. The bishop inquired the reason of the neglect. The two men begged his lords.h.i.+p's pardon, observing they were _freshmen_, and did not know him. "How long have you been in Cambridge?" asked his lords.h.i.+p.

"Only _eight_ days," was the reply. "Very good," said the bishop, "_puppies_ never see till they are _nine_ days old."

DCCCLx.x.xII.--EPIGRAM.

(On Lord W----'s saying the independence of the House of Lords is gone.)

"THE independence of the Lords is gone,"

Says W----, to truth for once inclined; And to believe his lords.h.i.+p I am p.r.o.ne, Seeing that he himself is left behind.

DCCCLx.x.xIII.--CONFIDENCE--TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH.

ON the first night of the representation of one of Jerrold's pieces, a successful adaptator from the French rallied him on his nervousness.

"I," said the adaptator, "never feel nervous on the first night of my pieces."--"Ah, my boy," Jerrold replied, "_you_ are always certain of success. Your pieces have all been tried before."