The Jest Book Part 58

MXXVI.--SYDNEY SMITH SOPORIFIC.

A LADY complaining to Sydney Smith that she could not sleep,--"I can furnish you," he said, "with a perfect soporific. I have published two volumes of Sermons; take them up to bed with you. I recommended them once to Blanco White, and before the third page--_he was fast asleep_!"

MXXVII.--EPIGRAM.

(On ----'s ponderous speeches.)

THOUGH Sir Edward has made many speeches of late, The House would most willingly spare them; For it finds they possess such remarkable _weight_, That it's really a trouble to _bear them_.

MXXVIII.--GOOD AT A PINCH.

A SEVERE snow-storm in the Highlands, which lasted for several weeks, having stopped all communication betwixt neighboring hamlets, snuff-takers were reduced to their last pinch. Borrowing and begging from all the neighbors within reach were resorted to, but this soon failed, and all were alike reduced to the extremity which unwillingly abstinent snuffers alone know. The minister of the parish was amongst the unhappy number; the craving was so intense, that study was out of the question. As a last resort, the beadle was despatched through the snow, to a neighboring glen in the hope of getting a supply; but became back as unsuccessful as he went. "What's to be dune, John?" was the minister's pathetic inquiry. John shook his head, as much as to say that he could not tell; but immediately thereafter started up, as if a new idea had occurred to him. He came back in a few minutes, crying, "Hae."

The minister, too eager to be scrutinizing, took a long, deep pinch, and then said, "Whaur did you get it?"--"_I soupit[B] the poupit_," was John's expressive reply. The minister's acc.u.mulated superfluous Sabbath snuff now came into good use.

[B] Swept.

MXXIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On Alderman Wood's being afraid to pledge himself even to the principles he has always professed.)

SURE in the House he'll do but little good Who lets "_I dare not, wait upon_ I WOOD (I would)."

Mx.x.x.--WILKES'S READY REPLY.

LUTTREL and Wilkes were standing on the Brentford hustings, when Wilkes asked his adversary, privately, whether he thought there were more fools or rogues among the mult.i.tude of Wilkites spread out before them. "I'll tell them what you say, and put an end to you," said the Colonel. But, perceiving the threat gave Wilkes no alarm, he added, "Surely you don't mean to say you could stand here one hour after I did so?"--"Why (the answer was), you would not be alive one instant after."--"How so?"--"I should merely say it was a _fabrication_, and they would _destroy you_ in the twinkling of an eye!"

Mx.x.xI.--TOO GRATEFUL.

AFTER O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the thief, in the ecstasy of his grat.i.tude, cried out, "Och, counsellor, I've no way _here_ to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you _knocked down in me own parish_,--wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"

Mx.x.xII.--THE POETS TO CERTAIN CRITICS.

SAY, why erroneous vent your spite?

Your censure, friends, will _raise_ us; If you do wish to d.a.m.n us quite, Only begin to _praise_ us!

Mx.x.xIII.--ODD HOUSEKEEPING.

MRS. MONTGOMERY was the only--the motherless--daughter of the stern General Campbell, who early installed her into the duties of housekeeper, and it sometimes happened that, in setting down the articles purchased, and their prices, she put the "cart before the horse." Her gruff papa never lectured her verbally, but wrote his remarks on the margin of the paper, and returned it for correction. One such instance was as follows: "General Campbell thinks five-and-six-pence exceedingly dear for parsley." Henrietta instantly saw her mistake; but, instead of formally rectifying it, wrote against the next item,--"Miss Campbell thinks _twopence-halfpenny_ excessively _cheap for fowls_"; and sent it back to her father.

Mx.x.xIV.--TELLING ONE'S AGE.

A LADY, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said: "Alas! I am near thirty." A doctor, who was present, and knew her age, said: "Do not fret at it, madam; for you will get _further_ from that frightful epoch every day."

Mx.x.xV.--POT VALIANT.

PROVISIONS have a greater influence on the valor of troops than is generally supposed; and there is great truth in the remark of an English physician, who said, that with a six weeks' diet he could make a man a coward. A distinguished general was so convinced of this principle, that he said he always employed his troops _before their dinner had digested_.

Mx.x.xVI.--CAUSE AND EFFECT.

SIR WILLIAM DAWES, Archbishop of York, was very fond of a pun. His clergy dining with him, for the first time, after he had lost his lady, he told them he feared they did not find things in so good order as they used to be in the time of poor Mary; and, looking extremely sorrowful, added, with a deep sigh, "She was, indeed, _Mare Pacific.u.m_." A curate, who pretty well knew what she had been, said, "Ay, my lord, but she was _Mare Mortuum_ first."

Mx.x.xVII.--A BAD PREACHER.

A CLERGYMAN, meeting a particular friend, asked him why he never came to _hear him preach_. He answered, "I am afraid of _disturbing your solitude_."

Mx.x.xVIII.--ON ROGERS THE POET, WHO WAS EGOTISTICAL.

SO well deserved is Rogers' fame, That friends, who hear him most, advise The egotist to change his name To "Argus," with his hundred I's!

Mx.x.xIX.--A POSER.

IN a Chancery suit one of the counsel, describing the boundaries of his client's land, said, in showing the plan of it, "We lie on this side, my lord." The opposite counsel then said, "And we lie on that side." The Chancellor, with a good-humored grin, observed, "If you _lie_ on both sides, whom will you have me believe?"

MXL.--A QUIET DOSE.

A MEAN fellow, thinking to get an opinion of his health _gratis_, asked a medical acquaintance what he should take for such a complaint? "I'll tell you," said the doctor, sarcastically; "You should take _advice_."

MXLI.--THE DANCING PRELATES.

SCALIGER doth the curious fact advance, The early bishops used to join the dance, And winding, turning ----s shows us yet, That Bishops still know how to pirouette.

MXLII.--AURICULAR CONFESSION.

A CUNNING juryman addressed the clerk of the court when administering the oath, saying, "Speak up; I cannot hear what you say."--"Stop; are you deaf?" asked Baron Alderson.--"Yes, of one ear."--"Then you may leave the box, for it is necessary that jurymen should hear _both sides_."

MXLIII.--A DRY FELLOW.

"WELL, Will," said an Earl one day to Will Speir, seeing the latter finis.h.i.+ng his dinner, "have you had a good dinner to-day?" (Will had been grumbling some time before.) "Ou, vera gude," answered Will; "but gin anybody asks if I got a dram _after 't_, what will I say?"

MAXILLA.--GOOD EVIDENCE.