The Jest Book Part 84

OF a celebrated actress, who, in her declining days, bought charms of carmine and pearl-powder, Jerrold said, "Egad! she should have a hoop about her, with a notice upon it, '_Beware of the paint_.'"

MDVIII.--ON THE SPOT.

TWO Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on the neck-cloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a _Grecian_."--"Pooh!" said the other, "that is _far-fetched_."--"No, indeed," said the punster, "I made it on the _spot_."

MDIX.--MR. ERSKINE'S FIRMNESS.

IN the famous trial of the Dean of Asaph, Mr. Erskine put a question to the jury, relative to the meaning of their verdict. Mr. Justice Buller objected to its propriety. The counsel reiterated his question, and demanded an answer. The judge again interposed his authority in these emphatic words: "Sit down, Mr. Erskine; know your duty, or I shall be obliged to make you know it." Mr. Erskine with equal warmth replied, "I know _my duty_ as well as your lords.h.i.+p knows _your duty_. I stand here as the advocate of a fellow citizen, _and I will not sit down_." The judge was silent, and the advocate persisted in his question.

MDX.--A SHUFFLING ANSWER.

A FAIR devotee lamented to her confessor her love of gaming. "Ah!

madam," replied the reverend gentleman, "it is a grievous sin;--in the first place consider the _loss of time_."--"That's just what I do," said she; "I always begrudge the time that is lost in _shuffling and dealing_."

MDXI.--THE DEBT PAID.

TO _John_ I owed great obligation; But _John_, unhappily, thought fit To publish it to all the nation: Sure _John_ and I am more than quit.

MDXII.--A UTILITARIAN INQUIRY.

JAMES SMITH one night took old Mr. Twiss to hear Mathews in his _At Home_, to the whole of which the mathematician gave devoted attention.

At the close, Mr. Smith asked him whether he had not been surprised and pleased. "Both," replied Mr. Twiss, "but what _does it all go to prove_?"

MDXIII.--AN OBJECTIONABLE PROCESS.

GENERAL D---- was more distinguished for gallantry in the field than for the care he lavished upon his person. Complaining, on a certain occasion, to the late Chief-Justice Bushe, of Ireland, of the sufferings he endured from rheumatism, that learned and humorous judge undertook to prescribe a remedy. "You must desire your servant," he said to the general, "to place every morning by your bedside a tub three-parts filled with warm water. You will then get into the tub, and having previously provided yourself with a pound of yellow soap, you must rub your whole body with it, immersing yourself occasionally in the water, and at the end of a quarter of an hour, the process concludes by wiping yourself dry with towels, and scrubbing your person with a flesh-brush."--"Why," said the general, after reflecting for a minute or two, "this seems to be neither more nor less than was.h.i.+ng one's self."--"Well, I must confess," rejoined the judge, "_it is open to that objection_."

MDXIV.--EPIGRAM.

(Upon the late Duke of Buckingham's moderate reform.)

FOR Buckingham to hope to pit His bill against Lord Grey's is idle; Reform, when offered _bit_ by _bit_, Is but intended for a _bridle_.

MDXV.--A DREADFUL SUSPICION.

A GENTLEMAN leaving the company, somebody who sat next to Dr. Johnson asked who he was. "I cannot exactly tell you sir," replied the doctor, "and I should be loath to speak ill of any person whom I do not know deserves it, but I am afraid he is an _attorney_."

MDXVI.--A FAMILIAR FRIEND.

SYDNEY SMITH was annoyed one evening by the familiarity of a young gentleman, who, though a comparative stranger, was encouraged by Smith's jocular reputation to address him by his surname alone. Hearing the young man say that he was going that evening to see the Archbishop of Canterbury for the first time, the reverend wit interposed, "Pray don't _clap him_ on the back, and call him Howley."

MDXVII.--NO MUSIC IN HIS SOUL.

LORD NORTH, who had a great antipathy to music, being asked why he did not subscribe to the Ancient Concerts, and it being urged as a reason for it that his brother the Bishop of Winchester did, "Ay," replied his lords.h.i.+p, "if I was as _deaf_ as my brother, I would _subscribe too_."

MDXVIII.--PROFESSIONAL CANDOR.

A GENTLEMAN afflicted with rheumatism consulted a physician, who immediately wrote him a prescription. As the patient was going away the doctor called him back. "By the way, sir, should my prescription happen to afford you any relief, _please to let me know_, as I am myself suffering from _a similar affection_, and have tried _in vain to cure it_."

MDXIX.--TELL IT NOT IN ENGLAND.

LADY CARTERET, wife of the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift's time, one day said to the wit, "The air of this country is very good."--"Don't say so in England, my lady," quickly replied the dean, "for if you do they will certainly _tax_ it."

MDXX.--FAs.h.i.+ON AND VIRTUE.

"WHAT'S fas.h.i.+onable, I'll maintain Is always right," cries sprightly Jane; "Ah! would to Heaven," cries graver Sue, "What's _right_ were fas.h.i.+onable too."

MDXXI.--PROFESSIONAL COMPANIONS.

A GENTLEMAN, who was dining with another, praised the meat very much, and inquired who was his butcher. "His name is Addison."--"Addison!"

echoed the guest; "pray is he any relation to the poet?"--"I can't say: but this I know, he is seldom without his _Steel_ by his side."

MDXXII.--WHY MASTER OF THE HOUSE.

A TRAVELLER coming up to an inn door, said: "Pray, friend, are you the master of this house?"--"Yes, sir," answered Boniface, "my wife has been _dead these three weeks_."

MDXXIII.--PRECAUTIONARY.

LORD JOHN RUSSELL, remarkable for the smallness of his person as Lord Nugent was for the reverse, was expected at a house where Sydney Smith was a guest. "Lord John comes here to-day," said Sydney Smith, "his corporeal anti-part, Lord Nugent, is already here. Heaven send he may not _swallow John_! There are, however, _stomach-pumps_ in case of accident."

MDXXIV.--A LATE DISCOVERER.

A VERY dull man, after dinner, had been boring the company with a long discourse, in the course of which he had given utterance to ethical views as old as the hills, as though he had just discovered them. When he had done repeating his truisms, Charles Lamb gravely said: "Then, sir, you are actually prepared to maintain that a thief is not _altogether a moral man_."

MDXXV.--LINES TO O'KEEFE.

(Said to be written by Peter Pindar.)

THEY say, O'Keefe, Thou art a thief, That half thy works are stolen or more; I say O'Keefe, Thou art no thief, Such stuff was never writ before!