The Jest Book Part 9

CLX.--NOT _versus_ NOTT.

A GENTLEMAN of Maudlin, whose name was _Nott_, returning late from his friend's rooms, attracted the attention of the proctor, who demanded his name and college. "I am _Nott_ of Maudlin," was the reply, hiccupping.

"Sir," said the proctor, in an angry tone, "I did not ask of what college you are _not_, but of what college you are."--"I am _Nott_ of Maudlin," was again the broken reply. The proctor, enraged at what he considered contumely, insisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, and demanded of the porter, "whether he knew the gentleman."--"Know him, sir," said the porter, "yes, it is Mr. _Nott_ of this college." The proctor now perceived his error in _not_ understanding the gentleman, and wished him a good night.

CLXI.--A c.o.c.kNEY EPIGRAM.

In Parliament, it's plain enough, No reverence for age appears; For they who hear each speaker's _stuff_, Find there is no respect for _(y) ears_.

CLXII.--THE PINK OF POLITENESS.

LORD BERKELEY was once dining with Lord Chesterfield (the pink of politeness) and a large party, when it was usual to drink wine until they were mellow. Berkeley had by accident shot one of his gamekeepers, and Chesterfield, under the warmth of wine, said, "Pray, my Lord Berkeley, how long is it since you shot a gamekeeper?"--"Not since you hanged _your tutor_, my lord!" was the reply. You know that Lord Chesterfield brought Dr. Dodd to trial, in consequence of which he was hanged.

CLXIII.--HIGH AND LOW.

"I EXPECT six clergymen to dine with me on such a day," said a gentleman to his butler. "Very good, sir," said the butler. "Are they High Church or Low Church, sir?"--"What on earth can that signify to you?" asked the astonished master. "Every thing, sir," was the reply. "If they are High Church, they'll drink; if they are Low Church, _they'll eat_!"

CLXIV.--CITY LOVE.

IN making love let poor men sigh, But love that's ready-made is better For men of business;--so I, If madam will be cruel, let her.

But should she wish that I should wait And miss the 'Change,--oh no, I thank her, I court by _deed_, or after _date_, Through my solicitor or banker.

CLXV.--INGENIOUS REPLY OF A SOLDIER.

A SOLDIER in the army of the Duke of Marlborough took the name of that general, who reprimanded him for it. "How am I to blame, general?" said the soldier. "I have the choice of names; if I had known one more ill.u.s.trious _than yours_, I should have taken it."

CLXVI.--LORD CHESTERFIELD.

WHEN Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to his late majesty as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council, however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous precedent, and it was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant of office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty by asking him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up.

"With the _devil's_!" replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. "And shall the instrument," said the Earl, coolly, "run as usual, _Our trusty and well-beloved cousin and counsellor_?"--a repartee at which the king laughed heartily, and with great good-humor signed the grant.

CLXVII.--SPECIAL PLEADING.

WHEN a very eminent special pleader was asked by a country gentleman if he considered that his son was likely to succeed as a special pleader, he replied, "Pray, sir, can your son _eat saw-dust without b.u.t.ter_?"

CLXVIII.--ON A NEW DUKE.

ASK you why gold and velvet bind The temples of that cringing thief?

Is it so strange a thing to find A toad beneath a strawberry leaf?

CLXIX.--THE ZODIAC CLUB.

ON the occasion of starting a convivial club, somebody proposed that it should consist of twelve members, and be called "The Zodiac," each member to be named after a sign.

"And what shall I be?" inquired a somewhat solemn man, who was afraid that his name would be forgotten.

_Jerrold._--"Oh, we'll bring you in as the _weight_ in Libra."

CLXX.--QUIN'S SOLILOQUY ON SEEING THE EMBALMED BODY OF DUKE HUMPHREY, AT ST. ALBAN'S.

"A PLAGUE on Egypt's arts, I say-- Embalm the dead--on senseless clay Rich wine and spices waste: Like sturgeon, or like brawn, shall I, Bound in a precious pickle lie, Which I can never taste!

Let me embalm this flesh of mine, With turtle fat, and Bourdeaux wine, And spoil the Egyptian trade, Than Glo'ster's Duke, more happy I, Embalm'd alive, old Quin shall lie A mummy ready made."

CLXXI.--STRIKING REPROOF.

IT being reported that Lady Caroline Lamb had, in a moment of pa.s.sion, knocked down one of her pages with a stool, the poet Moore, to whom this was told by Lord Strangford, observed: "Oh! nothing is more natural for a literary lady than to double down a page."--"I would rather," replied his lords.h.i.+p, "advise Caroline to _turn over a new leaf_."

CLXXII.--A PRETTY PICTURE.

E---- taking the portrait of a lady, perceived that when he was working at her mouth she was trying to render it smaller by contracting her lips. "Do not trouble yourself so much, madam," exclaimed the painter; "if you please, I will draw your face _without any mouth_ at all."

CLXXIII.--UNKNOWN TONGUE.

DURING the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer were going to the kirk, the one said to the other, "Was it no a wonderfu' thing that the Breetish were aye victorious ower the French in battle?"--"Not a bit," said the other old lady, "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say their prayers before ga'in into battle?" The other replied, "But canna the French say their prayers as weel?" The reply was most characteristic, "Hoot! jabbering bodies, wha could _understan'_ them?"

CLXXIV.--DUNNING AND LORD MANSFIELD.

WHILST the celebrated Mr. Dunning, afterwards Lord Ashburton, was at the bar, he by his conduct did much to support the character and dignity of a barrister, which was frequently disregarded by Lord Mansfield, at that time Chief Justice. The attempts of the Chief Justice to brow-beat the counsel were on many occasions kept in check by the manly and dignified conduct of Mr. Dunning. Lord Mansfield possessed great quickness in discovering the gist of a cause, and having done so, used to amuse himself by taking up a book or a newspaper, whilst counsel was addressing the court. Whenever Mr. Dunning was speaking, and his Lords.h.i.+p seemed thus to hold his argument as of no consequence, the advocate would stop suddenly in his address, and on his Lords.h.i.+p observing, "Pray go on, Mr. Dunning," he would reply, "I beg your pardon, my Lord, but I fear I shall interrupt your Lords.h.i.+p's _more important_ occupations. I will wait until your Lords.h.i.+p has leisure to attend to my client and his humble advocate."

CLXXV.--EPIGRAM.

(A good word for Ministers.)

THE Whigs 'tis said have often broke Their promises which end in smoke; Thus their defence I build; Granted in office they have slept, Yet sure those _promises_ are _kept_ Which never are fulfilled.

CLXXVI.--CHANGING HIS LINE.

A GENTLEMAN, inquiring of Jack Bannister respecting a man who had been hanged, was told that he was dead. "And did he continue in the _grocery line_?" said the former. "Oh no," replied Jack; "he was quite in a _different line_ when he died."

CLXXVII.--TALL AND SHORT.

AT an evening party, Jerrold was looking at the dancers. Seeing a very tall gentleman waltzing with a remarkably short lady, he said to a friend at hand, "Humph! there's the mile dancing with the mile-stone."