The Jest Book Part 90

MDCXIX.--A POINT NEEDING TO BE SETTLED.

A SCOTTISH minister being one day engaged in visiting some members of his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little he opened the door and walked in, saying, with an authoritative voice, "I should like to know who is the head of this house?"--"Weel, sir,"

said the husband and father, "if ye sit doon a wee, we'll maybe be able to tell ye, for we're _just trying to settle that point_."

MDCXX.--A POOR LAUGH.

CURRAN was just rising to cross-examine a witness before a judge who was familiar with the dry-as-dust black-letter law books, but could never comprehend a jest, when the witness began to laugh before the learned counsel had asked him a question. "What are you laughing at, friend,"

said Curran, "what are you laughing at? Let me tell you that a laugh without a joke is like--is like--"--"Like what, Mr. Curran," asked the judge, imagining he was at fault. "Just exactly, my lord, like a _contingent remainder_ without any particular _estate_ to support it."

MDCXXI.--AN ANTIc.i.p.aTED CALAMITY.

ON the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese, New Zealand, Sydney Smith, when taking his leave of him, said: "Good by, my dear Selwyn; I hope you will not _disagree_ with the man who eats you!"

MDCXXII.--MATRIMONY.

"MY dear, what makes you always yawn?"

The wife exclaimed, her temper gone, "Is home so dull and dreary?"

"Not so, my love," he said, "Not so; But man and wife are _one_, you know; And when _alone_ I'm weary!"

MDCXXIII.--DRY, BUT NOT THIRSTY.

CURRAN, conversing with Sir Thomas Turton, happened to remark that he could never speak in public for a quarter of an hour without moistening his lips; to which Sir Thomas replied that, in that respect, he had the advantage of him: "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the House of Commons for five hours, on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the least thirsty."--"It _is_ very remarkable indeed" rejoined Curran, "for every one agrees that was the _driest_ speech of the session."

MDCXXIV.--SHAKESPEARIAN GROG.

AS for the brandy, "nothing extenuate,"--and the water, "put naught in, in malice."

MDCXXV.--A JURY CASE.

CURRAN, speaking of his loss of business in the Court of Chancery caused by Lord Clare's hostility to him, and of the consequent necessity of resuming _nisi prius_ business, said: "I had been under full sail to fortune; but the tempest came, and nearly wrecked me, and ever since I have been only bearing up under _jury_-masts."

MDCXXVI.--SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.

LORD ALVANLEY, after his duel with young O'Connell, gave a guinea to the hackney-coachman who had driven him to and from the scene of the encounter. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, "My Lord, I only took you to--" Alvanley interrupted him with, "My friend, the guinea is for _bringing me back_, not for taking me out."

MDCXXVII.--"THE RULING Pa.s.sION STRONG IN DEATH."

A DYING miser sent for his solicitor, and said, "Now begin, and I will dictate particulars."--"I give and I bequeath," commenced the man of law. "No, no," interrupted the testator; "I do nothing of the kind; I will never give or bequeath anything: I cannot do it."--"Well, then,"

suggested the attorney, after some consideration, "suppose you say, 'I _lend_, until the last day?'"--"Yes, yes, _that will do_," eagerly rejoined the miser.

MDCXXVIII.--AN ENDLESS TASK.

WHO seeks to please all men each way, And not himself offend, He may begin his work to-day, But who knows when he'll end?

MDCXXIX.--PROFESSIONAL RECOGNITION.

MISS KELLY standing one day in the street, enjoying the vagaries of punch with the rest of the crowd, the showman came up to her and solicited a contribution. She was not very ready in answering the demand, when the fellow, taking care to make her understand that he knew who she was, exclaimed, "Ah! it's all over with the _drama_, if we don't encourage one another."

MDCx.x.x.--A CELESTIAL VISION.

QUIN, being asked by a lady why there were more women in the world than men, replied, "It is in conformity with the other arrangements of Nature, madam; we always see more of _heaven than earth_."

MDCx.x.xI.--DESt.i.tUTION OF THE SMITH FAMILY.

ONE morning a pompous little man called upon Sydney Smith, saying that, being about to compile a history of distinguished families in Somersets.h.i.+re, he had called to obtain the Smith _arms_. "I regret, sir," said the reverend wit, "not to be able to contribute to so valuable a work; but _the Smiths_ never had any _arms_, and have invariably sealed their letters with their _thumbs_."

MDCx.x.xII.--UNCIVIL WARNING.

A CELEBRATED professor, dining in company with a gaudy, discordant, and silly chatterer, was asked to help her to the usual concomitant of boiled fowl. As he did so, he abstractedly murmured, "Parsley,--_fatal to parrots_."

MDCx.x.xIII.--AN INEVITABLE MISFORTUNE.

WHEN Boswell was first introduced to Dr. Johnson, he apologized to him for being a Scotchman. "I find," said he, "that I am come to London at a bad time, when great popular prejudice has gone forth against us North Britons; but when I am talking to you, I am talking to a large and liberal mind, and you know that I cannot _help coming from Scotland_."--"Sir," replied the doctor, archly, "_no more_ can the rest of your countrymen."

MDCx.x.xIV.--DONE FOR.

TWO gentlemen were lately examining the breast of a plough on a stall in a market-place. "I'll bet you a crown," said one, "you don't know what it's for."--"Done," said the other. "_It is for sale_." The bet was paid.

MDCx.x.xV.--A PROBLEM FOR TOTAL ABSTAINERS.

THOMAS HOOD says: "Puny draughts can hardly be called drinking. _Pints_ cannot be deemed _pot_ations."

MDCx.x.xVI.--THE DOG TAX.

BROWN drops in. Brown is said to be the toady of Jones. When Jones has the influenza, Brown dutifully catches cold in the head. Douglas Jerrold remarked to Brown, "Have you heard the rumor that's flying about town?"--"No."--"Well, they say that Jones _pays the dog-tax for you_."

MDCx.x.xVII.--A PUN WITH AN IRISH ACCENT.

HOOD described a good church minister as "Piety _parsonified_."