The Jest Book Part 93

MDCLXXVII.--MR. CHARLES YORKE.

WHEN Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial for having the largest and most hideous face that ever was seen. Mr.

Yorke, in thanking him, said, "Sir, I have great reason to be thankful to my friends in general, but confess myself under a particular obligation to _you_ for the _very remarkable countenance_ you have _shown_ me upon this occasion."

MDCLXXVIII.--THE SALIC LAW

IS a most sensible and valuable law, banis.h.i.+ng gallantry and chivalry from Cabinets, and preventing the amiable antics of grave statesmen.

MDCLXXIX.--CHARLES JAMES FOX.

AFTER Byron's engagement in the West Indies, there was a great clamor about the badness of the ammunition. Soon after this, Mr. Fox had a duel with Mr. Adam. On receiving that gentleman's ball, and finding that it had made but little impression, he exclaimed, "Egad, Adam, it had been all over with me, if you had not charged with _government powder_!"

MDCLx.x.x.--PREFERMENT.

AMONG the daly inquirers after the health of an aged Bishop of D----m, during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than the Bishop of E----r; and the invalid seemed to think that other motives than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One morning he ordered the messenger to be shown into his room, and thus addressed him: "Be so good as present my compliments to my Lord Bishop, and tell him that I am better, much better; but that the Bishop of W----r has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, _if that will do_."

MDCLx.x.xI.--COMPLIMENTARY.

A GENTLEMAN dining at an hotel, was annoyed by a stupid waiter continually coming hovering round the table, and desired him to retire.

"Excuse me, sir," said Napkin, drawing himself up, "but I'm _responsible_ for the silver."

MDCLx.x.xII.--DR. DONNE.

DR. DONNE, the Dean of St. Paul's, having married a lady of a rich and n.o.ble family without the consent of the parents, was treated with great asperity. Having been told by the father that he was to expect no money from him, the doctor went home and wrote the following note to him: "John Donne, Anne Donne, _undone_." This quibble had the desired effect, and the distressed couple were restored to favor.

MDCLx.x.xIII.--VULGARITY.

SIR WALTER SCOTT once happening to hear his daughter Anne say of something, that it was _vulgar_, gave the young lady the following temperate rebuke: "My love, you speak like a very young lady; do you know, after all, the meaning of this word _vulgar_? 'Tis only _common_; nothing that is common, except wickedness, can deserve to be spoken of in a tone of contempt; and when you have lived to my years, you will be disposed to agree with me in thanking G.o.d that nothing really worth having or caring about in this world is _uncommon_."

MDCLx.x.xIV.--AN EXPENSIVE JOB.

A GENTLEMAN pa.s.sing a country church while under repair, observed to one of the workmen, that he thought it would be an expensive job. "Why, yes," replied he; "but in my opinion we shall accomplish what our reverend divine has endeavored to do, for the last thirty years, in vain."--"What is that?" said the gentleman. "Why, bring all the parish _to repentance_."

MDCLx.x.xV.--PROSINESS.

A PROSY old gentleman meeting Jerrold, related a long, limp account of a stupid practical joke, concluding with the information that "he really thought he should have _died_ with laughter."--"I wish to heaven you had," was Jerrold's reply.

MDCLx.x.xVI.--A PLEASANT MESSAGE.

MR. BARTLEMAN, a celebrated ba.s.s-singer, was taken ill, just before the commencement of the musical festival at Gloucester: another ba.s.so was applied to, at a short notice, who attended, and acquitted himself to the satisfaction of everybody. When he called on the organist to be paid, the latter thanked him most cordially for the n.o.ble manner in which he had sung; and concluded with the following very complimentary and pleasant message: "When you see poor Bartleman, give my best regards _to him_; and tell him how much we _missed him_ during the festival!"

MDCLx.x.xVII.--EXISTENCE OF MATTER.

AS Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintance came up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on the shoulder with his cane. The dean starting, called out, "_What's the matter_?" His acquaintance, looking him steadily in the face, replied, "_No matter, Berkeley_."

MDCLx.x.xVIII.--A SAUCY ANSWER.

A BARRISTER attempting to browbeat a female witness, told her she had _bra.s.s_ enough to make a saucepan. The woman retorted, "and you have _sauce_ enough to fill it."

MDCLx.x.xIX.--QUAINT EPITAPH.

DR. FULLER having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for him, received the following:

"_Here lies Fuller's earth_!"

MDCXC.--AN INHOSPITABLE IRISHMAN.

SIR BOYLE ROACH, the droll of the Irish bar, sent an amusingly equivocal invitation to an Irish n.o.bleman of his acquaintance: "I hope, my Lord, if ever you come within a mile of my house, that you'll _stay there all night_." When he was suffering from an attack of gout, he thus rebuked his shoemaker: "O, you're a precious blockhead to do directly the reverse of what I desired you. I told you to make one of the shoes _larger_ than the other, and instead of that you have made one of them _smaller_ than the other!"

MDCXCI.--GOOD ENOUGH FOR A PIG.

AN IRISH peasant being asked why he permitted his pig to take up its quarters with his family, made an answer abounding with satirical _navete_: "Why not? Doesn't the place afford every convenience that _a pig can require_?"

MDCXCII.--FARCICAL.

IN Bannister's time, a farce was performed under the t.i.tle of "Fire and Water."--"I predict its fate," said he. "What fate?" whispered the anxious author at his side. "What fate!" said Bannister; "why, what can fire and water produce but a _hiss_?"

MDCXCIII.--TOO MUCH AT ONCE.

LORD CHESTERFIELD one day, at an inn where he dined, complained very much that the plates and dishes were very dirty. The waiter, with a degree of pertness, observed, "It is said every one must _eat a peck of dirt_ before he dies."--"That may be true," said Chesterfield, "but no one is obliged to eat it all _at one meal_, you dirty dog."

MDCXCIV.--EPIGRAM.

(On Bishop ----'s Religion.)

THOUGH not a Catholic, his lords.h.i.+p has, 'Tis plain, strong disposition to a-ma.s.s (a ma.s.s).

MDCXCV.--POSSIBLE CENSORS.